My Stay Over Plan was Suspiciously Successful
by weewah
Summary: [No OCs in this story.] After entering his 3rd year of high school, Hikigaya Hachiman loses a very important thing: alone time. In a desperate attempt to regain it, his only hope is to ask to stay over at the house of a girl whose name he does not even know.
1. Prologue: Paradox

Prologue: Paradox  


In this world, there are a surprising number of actions and plans that seem may paradoxical or contradictory, yet they actually make plenty of sense once the details are examined. And in practice, these plans usually turn out to be rather successful. For instance, a corporate slave that endlessly works away, all for the purpose of retiring earlier so he can stop working. Or a riajuu who acts all cold and aloof and uninterested in love, all for the purpose of pursuing love. **[1]**

In the first example, at first glance it looks completely insane to work for the sole purpose of not working. Yet it all becomes clear by examining the details. As long as one lives, the act of not working requires money to sustain. What is the most natural way to get money? Well, by working of course. Thus the corporate slave's plan actually makes sense. At least for the lucky few that don't die from overwork before they retire... okay maybe this was a bad example.

In the second example, once again it sounds totally ridiculous that acting uninterested in love actually allows one to pursue love more effectively. But this is a crafty riajuu trick: by acting uninterested, they give off the impression that they have higher standards. This implies that they have an excellent social status which matches those high standards, and in turn causes more attraction from the opposite gender. Seriously riajuus are such manipulative bastards, and should all go explode. Girls should hurry up and open their eyes already! They should be going after the unpopular guys who always honestly proclaim their pursuit of love at every opportunity.

Well, perhaps my examples were bad. But in any case, the plan I had in mind was definitely not wrong! Although it seems utterly contradictory, my best chance of regaining some alone time was to ask a certain girl if I could stay over at her house.

Currently, the two of us were alone on the roof of the school building. Getting to this stage in itself had taken a huge amount of planning and effort.

Although the target in question used to be a loner who regularly frequented this rooftop location, she had been forcefully recruited into a clique in her second year and thus had been forced to drop this routine. The only reason she was here now, was that the one person who dragged her into the clique was currently out of the picture.

Well... to be more accurate... I had personally removed her from the picture.

By sacrificing myself in various meanings, I had successfully cleared stage one: Ebina Hina was currently confined to the nurse's office because of the symptoms of severe anemia. Since my mind had already begun its automatic memory repression process for traumatic memories, I myself had also developed the symptoms of severe amnesia... I had absolutely no idea what I did for stage one.

...

That was probably for the best. I made a mental note to avoid recalling it at all costs. And another mental note to break my prior agreement with Zaimokuza to go to this year's Comiket with him. **[2]** It just wouldn't be safe this year. And if I didn't want another hole in my memory, I needed to stop this flashback and start asking the question right now.

Gathering my resolve, I looked straight in the eyes of the girl that was facing me. A second chance was pretty unlikely to come by, so I really needed to succeed on the first try. Otherwise I can kiss any chance of getting some time alone goodbye. When I thought of that, all of the resulting pressure caused me to tense up. I was starting to feel sick.

Out of instinct, I glanced about, trying to think of the exact words to say. What was the best way to broach the subject? Then I remembered that eye contact was an important part of the plan so I refocused on her eyes. Opposite from me, the girl's face appeared a little red, so perhaps she was also feeling a bit under the weather.

But now was definitely not the time for such concerns. If I failed here, I would most likely never regain my peace and quiet. I began my question.

"Hey. Er... erm..."

As soon as the first word left my mouth, I realized with horror that stage two of my plan had a a gigantic gaping flaw. This was not good. Not good at all. This flaw would definitely reduce the perceived sincerity of my request by a significant amount. Heck, considering what it was, this flaw would probably bring the sincerity levels straight down to zero.

...

What was this girl's name?!

...

What was it? What was it?!

I started fidgeting while trying to remember, but nothing that came to mind seemed right. Suzuki? Honda? **[3]** No... I get the feeling that those were names that I had rejected during one of the previous times I had tried to recall her name. _Guh!_ And had I told myself that I would properly remember it after that time too!

Meanwhile the girl that was facing me had begun to fidget as well. I guess she was getting impatient. Well, that much was understandable since I had pretty much just called out to her, started a sentence and then left it hanging midway. Feeling apologetic, I bowed my head a little and broke eye contact.

It was probably better to change strategies. The original plan A was to make a sincere request that appealed to our familiarity. We had helped each other out a few times in the past after all.

However, what familiarity was there if we couldn't even remember the other person's name? Now that this alleged familiarity was in serious doubt, it was time to switch to plan B.

In short, Plan B was to resort to shameless amounts of begging, appealing how desperate I was at the moment. While it probably wouldn't be as effective, that was a strategy that wouldn't require knowing her name. I just had to take a chance that somewhere beneath her cold delinquent exterior lay a small amount of sympathy that could grant my request.

So I cast aside my pride, gave her a full bow, and asked. "...Can I stay over at your place tonight?"

* * *

 **[1] A "riajuu" is basically someone who lives a very successful life, especially in the romance department. Think Hayama.**

 **[2] "Comiket" is a large convention in Japan where people buy and sell fan fictions, usually in manga form. In particular, many of these fan fictions may include large amounts of BL. And Ebina regularly attends such conventions...**

 **[3] "Honda" and "Suzuki" are motorcycle brands.**

* * *

 ** **Author's Note: I was asked to do a story about this particular character a long time ago, but I kept forgetting her every time I got in 8man's character to write from his point of view. In 8man's words: "Teehee *star*".****


	2. Explanations and Summaries

Explanations and Summaries  


In response to my earnest request, I received complete silence.

Could it be that she had run off, thinking I was some sort of creep?

Fearing such a possibility, I raised my head. There, I witnessed the sight of an extremely flustered girl who was struggling to make a coherent response. Wasn't her delinquent facade completely destroyed at this point?

Well I guess that's the normal reaction when someone you don't really know that well suddenly asks if they can stay over at your house for the night. If some strange girl I didn't know asked me that, I am sure I would be panicked and flustered too. I would probably be suspecting some kind of prank, expecting to be ambushed by a group of friends hiding behind the corner who would then laugh off the whole thing as a joke. _Wait, was that normal?_

While I was musing to myself, the girl pulled herself together and finally formed words with her mouth. "...Wh-wh-what did you just say?"

Hm? I guess she did think it was a joke after all? But it really wasn't. In all seriousness, I desperately wanted to stay over at her place tonight. No one was around the corner waiting to ambush her and announce the whole thing as a prank. In the first place, it would be problematic if anyone saw what we were doing here.

So I repeated my request, this time while looking at her straight in the eyes. "I'm serious! Please, can I stay over at your place tonight?"

I guess she still didn't believe I was serious, as her actions just became even more flustered. After some struggling to regain control, she voiced another word. "...Wh-wh-why?"

"Well... erm... well..."

I looked down at the ground and tried to reorganize my thoughts.

 _...Where do I even begin?_ Even though I had a few days to think about how to phrase the problem, nothing sounded like the right thing to say to her in response.

It all began when a certain underclassman of mine met a certain little sister of mine. Now if it was a certain overly polite pervert with lesbian tendencies and a certain colossal martial artist with violent tendencies, there wouldn't really be much of a problem. **[1]** No perhaps it would still count as a problem in a different meaning. But those were not the people I had in my life.

Instead, the people I had were Isshiki, a certain foxy troublemaker with a tendency to drag me around to solve her various problems, and Komachi, a certain scheming manipulator with a tendency to help others drag her elder brother around. A truly dreadful combination. When they first met and immediately hit it off, I had carelessly ignored a horrible foreboding feeling that I received from the looks in their eyes.

Looking back now, my peaceful loner lifestyle had been set on a course straight towards destruction ever since that happened. _Why did I ever allow these two to meet?_

At the start of the school year, my little sister had happily invited my underclassman to stay over at our house. Normally, I would be vehemently opposed to having anyone from school even step foot inside my house, but if she was here as my little sister's guest, then I had no right to complain. Well, not that I didn't try and get shut down immediately anyway.

Then, my underclassman came to realize the existence of an incredible advantage. Normally, since she didn't own a bicycle, she would have to experience a long and troublesome commute between her home and her school every school day, and such a commute would of course include long amounts of tiresome walking and standing activities.

However, if she stayed over at my place, she could get a free ride to school on the back of my bicycle. Normally that was a privilege that was reserved for Komachi, but my little sister seemed hell-bent on sticking Isshiki together with me, so she had happily relinquished that right without any second thoughts. And thus Isshiki accepted the offer to stay over. _Indefinitely._

Now she was practically living in our house. I had no idea what our parents were thinking, letting an unrelated teenage girl live over at the house of a teenage boy. Well no, I guess my own parents were overjoyed... they finally had two respectable children. And these two respectable children got along with each other so well I was starting to suspect that I didn't actually belong in this household. _A-re A-re? Could it be that Isshiki was my father's illegitimate child, while I was an adopted son?_ **[2]** _  
_

But those concerns weren't relevant. The main problem was that my alone time effectively came to an end that day. For 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I was subjected to an endless stream of " _Senpaiiii_! I'm in trouble!", " _Seeenpaii_! Come over here for a bit!", and " _Seeennpaaiii_! Please help me with this!"

To make matters worse, my underclassman had picked up certain very bad habits from my little sister. Such as using my old T-shirts as a dress, or walking around the house in her underwear. I didn't think much about those habits when Komachi did it, but when it came to Isshiki...

...Suffice to say it was pure undiluted poison for the mind. I could no longer relax at home. Heck, I could feel my face heating up and turning red just by remembering about those incidents.

But back to the situation at hand. The flustered, stuttering, ex-delinquent girl was still waiting for me to offer an explanation for my absurd request. A simple non-verbal reddened face was definitely not a sufficient summary for what took at least 8 paragraphs to describe in my mind.

Still, I had the feeling that letting others know that an unrelated teenage girl was currently living under the same roof as me would have many undesirable consequences in the long run. _Wasn't there some way in which I could keep this a secret?_

I looked back at the girl whose name I had yet to remember. "...Do I have to say it?"

I didn't think it was physically possible, but it seemed my response just caused her to become even more flustered than she already was. Her face had already turned completely red. I guess the stress was getting to her. I really shouldn't be putting so much pressure on someone who wasn't feeling well, but this was my only hope. If I didn't get some alone time soon, I would probably reach my limit and do something I couldn't take back.

Certain unhealthy images and the phrase "Take responsibility okay?" popped into my mind, causing the shade of my face to become closer to that of the girl who finally spoke.

"Well... no. B-But... why me? What about Yui and Yukinoshita?"

"No... those girls are..." I scratched my head while wondering how to explain it without exposing the fact that Isshiki was currently living in the Hikigaya household. I did consider staying over with either Yuigahama or Yukinoshita, but there was a fundamental problem with that idea.

"...Those girls are friends of-" ... _wait_. It would probably be a bad idea to mention Isshiki here. Yeah, the main problem was that Isshiki had become great friends with Yuigahama and Yukinoshita. At the very least, those three were far closer to each other than I was with any of them. Thus all Isshiki had to do was ask them to let her stay over as well, and my plan would instantly go up in flames.

Naturally, that meant I had to ask someone Isshiki wasn't close friends with.

The last time, I had tried to stay over at the Zaimokuza household. It didn't work out since Isshiki just brazenly barged in while silencing Zaimokuza with a death glare before dragging me out of the place. That was just as well, since the overwhelming amount of chuunibyou materials in the Zaimokuza household was causing memories of my own dark history to resurface... to the point where I was almost thankful when Isshiki appeared. **[3]**

I didn't want to impose on Totsuka either. That and staying over at Totsuka's would probably be far more dangerous than staying at home. I would probably become an adult immediately before being dragged off to a prison somewhere for sexual assault.

 _...Then again... wouldn't that be worth it? I could get some alone time in a prison cell after all. And if it was Totsuka, wasn't everything else irrelevant? Who cares about consequences at this point! Plus if it was Totsuka, he might not even resist..._

...

 _Hah! Not good, I almost lost to my delusions there._ My face had turned completely red thanks to those mental images, but it seems the girl I was talking to didn't notice.

In summary, I had simply used the process of elimination to remove the options from my very short list of acquaintances, and finally arrived at the last entry on the list. I.e. the girl I was facing right now.

While trying to hide the signs that I had been thinking of Totsuka, I finished my sentence. "I-In any case. It has to be you. No one else would work for me."

The girl stopped fidgeting. Her face was still red, but it seems that she had somehow accepted that all of this wasn't just some prank and thus calmed down somewhat. That said, she still looked somewhat hesitant, so I pressed further by repeating myself. "I am serious about this. In my eyes, you are the only one!"

It was sad, but being a loner meant I only had a few acquaintances, so I truly didn't have anyone else to rely on other than this girl whose name I couldn't even remember.

The girl opened her mouth. Finally, the moment of truth. Whether I ended up in a prison or remained myself rested upon the words that would come out of that mouth.

"U-Un. I understand. You can stay over."

Oh. That went surprisingly well.

* * *

 ** **[1] Nisemonogatari reference.****

 ** **[2] "A-re?" is one of several Japanese equivalents for "Eh?"****

 ** **[3] "Chuunibyou" is... well you should probably just watch Oregairu season 1 episode 2, 8man explains it there way better than I can. "Dark history" is just a common way of referring to the period of time when one was suffering from chuunibyou.****

* * *

 ** **Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews so far. While I write this story, I'm starting to find that most of my ideas seem constructed for the sole purpose of making the reader scream "Did he just-?!" or "Why the heck would you do this?!"****

 ** **So if any of you have a similar reaction, please share in a review to let me know that the ideas are working XD.****

 ** **(Also, I apologize for the short chapters in most of my stories. I usually come up with the main ideas for the plot in point form somewhat easily, but then have a lot of trouble trying to expand them into prose. I'm using these stories to try to work on that. Feel free to let me know how I'm doing, and where I can improve.)****

 ** **P.S. jminator: Wish granted. XD The next chapter will take a while though.  
****

* * *

 ** **Author's Note 2: Erm... I've been informed that some of my shipping bias might be showing through, so I'll make this clear:  
****

 ** **I swear that I will not turn this story into an Iroha x 8man pairing. The main heroine of this story will continue to be she who cannot be named.****


	3. Interlude: Classroom Necessities

****Author's Note: Sorry! There still isn't a lot of heroine screen time this chapter. I promise she'll get more in the next one.****

* * *

Interlude: Classroom Necessities  


Like most schools, Sobu High followed a policy of redistributing its students among the classes whenever they went up a year. Presumably, this was some educator's idealistic scheme to break up the members of the various friendship cliques, and thus force them to befriend those who were not in a clique.

In reality, that plan never actually worked. It wasn't like the isolated members of a clique automatically became open to interacting with loners. If you tried to approach them, they would still act as disgusted as normal. In fact, most of them would rather leave the classroom than continue to stay in your presence. Source: Me.

So the only thing that this policy really accomplished was to force members of a clique to exercise more: every time there was a break, these isolated members would simply get up from their seats and leave the classroom to go find the nucleus of their clique.

Thus for loners like myself, this annual reassignment of students to classes had absolutely no meaning. Or so I thought until the start of this year.

Then I discovered the horrible truth.

There was no Totsuka in my new class.

...

 _How could this be?! Weren't Totsukas a fundamental part of classrooms that were on the same level as tables and chairs? How could a class function without a Totsuka?!_

Think about it.

If a class had no tables, where would the students rest their books?

If a class had no chairs, where would the students rest their bodies?

And if a class had no Totsukas, where would the students rest their eyes?

Most importantly, why couldn't the school administration see that this lack of Totsukas was an extremely dangerous health safety hazard for loners? Without a Totsuka to rest their eyes on, the eyes of a loner would instead be forced to wander around. This would increase the odds of making accidental eye contact with a girl, which would then cause severe psychological damage to the loner when she immediately recoiled in disgust. It was almost on the same level of danger as having tables that contained asbestos! **[1]**

I slumped over on my table as usual, keeping my head close to my arms so that other people would have difficulty determining exactly where I was looking, and thus would be less likely to think that I was making eye contact with them. When I had first found out that Totsuka was not in the same class, I had tried tears of blood, but by now I was mostly over it. _These tears that were currently welling up in my eyes were definitely just because I was still feeling drowsy from lack of sleep okay?  
_

While waiting for the last class of the day to end, I channeled my frustrations and resentment caused by my Totsuka deficiency by sending a hostile glare to my left, towards the back of a certain pretty boy's head that was on the opposite side of the classroom.

That head of course, belonged to Hayama Hayato, who was surrounded by his entire group of friends as usual. Yes... I had been separated from the one person who thought of me as a friend, whereas Hayama's entire group of 8 people had remained in the same class. _What kind of unfairness was this?! Was there some corruption going on behind the scenes?_

On a closer look, that group of 8 was currently a group of 7. Right... I had sent one of its members to the infirmary earlier today. Thanks to that, another member of their group had also become isolated, the girl that I was with on the rooftop earlier. She alone was slumped over on her table, adopting the same loner pose as me, while the other 6 members of the Hayato clique were happily whispering to one another in the middle of class instead of paying attention.

Occasionally, Yuigahama and Miura tried to engage her in conversation, but she just brushed off their attempts. It seems that the only person who could break through this delinquent girl's walls was the hyper pushy Ebina who constantly bombarded her with very misleading statements that threw off her thought processes.

Then again, she wasn't giving off her normal delinquent aura either. Instead of radiating killing intent, she was currently radiating anxiety.

 _...Was she feeling worried that I might do something strange in her house? I really just wanted some peace and quiet. It was not as if I was secretly aiming to steal certain black treasures of hers... I really wasn't!_ **[2]**

Anyway, the girl in question seemed to be muttering something to herself under her breath. Every now and then, her head would suddenly shake left and right violently, causing her ponytail to sway seductively while her forehead audibly rubbed against her sleeves.

Suddenly, her head turned my way. _Oh crap... we made eye contact._

I immediately averted my eyes while keeping her in my peripheral vision. It seems she did the same. She wasn't going to take back her words from earlier was she? Admittedly, my request this time was a bit overboard, and I did feel bad about pressuring her into it even while knowing that she was weak against pressure, but she had already given her consent!

Furthermore, I had already made preparations for the stay over, so I would be very troubled if she changed her mind. _Granted, these preparations were made before getting her consent, but that didn't prevent them from counting right? ...Right?_

 _In any case, I declare no givesies backsies! Even if she was trying to send me some sort of non-verbal abort signal, I would feign complete ignorance of it!_

When I turned my head to the right to avoid any possible signals, I was greeted by another pair of eyes from the table next to mine.

I had forgotten... there was one other person who thought of me as a friend.

I immediately recoiled in disgust.

"Ei! What's with that reaction Hachiman? Even though I've been helping you out so much recently, why do you still act so cold?" came the whispers from the mass of delusions known as Zaimokuza that was seated to my right.

"Sorry, sorry. It's my body's natural reaction to your creepiness so it can't be helped. I am actually thankful for all your help so far," I whispered back, and then realized what I said. _Oops._ It seems I might have gotten infected from hanging around Yukinoshita too much, since a snide insult had somehow slipped into what was supposed to be an apology and words of gratitude.

However, Zaimokuza paid no mind. It seems that he was already so used to taking fatal damage, that insults of that level didn't even register in his mind. Instead, he focused only on the last sentence. "Bah! I don't want your empty words of thanks Hachiman. If you're truly grateful, then show it with your actions!"

 _Guh!_ Certainly, it felt like recently all I had been doing was taking advantage of him and doing nothing in return... "Fine. What do you want me to do?"

Zaimokuza broke into a grin. "Actually, I have been thinking. You have very good grades in the humanities, and in particular Japanese literature right?"

"Yes...?" I had a bad feeling about where this was going.

With the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face, Zaimokuza made his demand. "Let's write a light novel together! You will write the point of view of the heroine, and I will write the point of view of the hero!" **[3]**

Ugh! The mere thought of that was terrifying. But wait... when I consider the amount of work that I was already being forced to do for Isshiki, I guess this actually wasn't much. The only question was whether I could bear with the shame of having my name next to Zaimokuza's on any piece of work.

Hmm... I might already be in the terminal stages of corporate slavery if co-writing a light novel didn't seem like a lot of additional work. _Was I too late to be saved?_

...

After some deliberating, I finished weighing my options. "I got it, I will write that light novel with you. In exchange, let me avoid Comiket this year, and help me with one more thing. Hold on a second."

I took out my phone and began to type messages for Komachi and Yuigahama in order to let them know that I wouldn't be at the Service Club today. I would have included Yukinoshita on the list of recipients as well, but I still didn't have her contact information. As always, she was a firm supporter of the Act on the Protection of Personal Information. **[4]**

However, I saved the message as a draft instead of sending it, and then passed my phone over to Zaimokuza.

 _Hehehe..._

Unlike Yukinoshita, Komachi was a firm violator of the Act on the Protection of Personal Information, particularly when it came to my personal information. The last time I had tried to escape, she had happily given my phone's GPS information to my pursuer and I had been caught by surprise.

This time I had everything planned out in advance. My phone would be handed to a decoy right from the start. "Just hold on to that and send the message about 20 minutes after school ends. "

"Umu, this again?" Zaimokuza looked displeased. "Hachiman, need I remind you that the last time I agreed to this, you made me run around the whole city for the entire night before telling me that the mission was over?"

Right... I had also forgotten about him that time. "...Sorry about that. You don't have to worry about that this time. Just hang out at an arcade for a few hours, that should all I need for this case."

"Humu humu. Very well. I accept."

While exchanging shady smiles like some sort of small-time villains, I mentally checked off stage 2.5.

* * *

 ** **[1] A lot of furniture, including school tables and chairs, used to be made from raw materials called asbestos. Afterwards, it was discovered that asbestos is actually extremely dangerous to human health, particularly the lungs. So if you see anything that contains asbestos in real life, treat it like a Zaimokuza and avoid it like the plague. Only trained specialists should handle such creatures... I mean objects.****

 ** **[2] I have no idea what** ** _black_** **treasures Hachiman is talking about here. No clue at all. My mind hasn't been** ** _lace_ d** **with any impure thoughts whatsoever...****

 ** **[3] Subtle reference to the light novel Qualidea, co-written by Wataru Watari and Sagara Sou.****

 ** **[4] The Act on the P** **rotection of Personal Information is a law in Japan that involves... well... exactly what it states in the title: protecting personal information.****

* * *

 **Author's Note: This chapter was mostly to provide more back story, accompanied by more of 8man plotting and scheming. But it was needed to show how 8man managed to sneak into the heroine's house without being caught by his pursuers, rather than just having the characters magically teleport from the school to her house immediately.**

 **Once again, thanks for all the reviews and interest in this story. I must say I'm amazed by how much the readers on this site love this unnamed heroine. The visitor count for this story was way higher than anything else I've written. 16 reviews for one chapter is also a record for me :D. Which just makes it more ironic that the FanFiction site doesn't even recognize her as a character in Oregairu orz.**

* * *

Some responses to the reviews:

Loner-kun: Totsukas are a fundamental part of stories! They are on the same level as plot and setting! Erm... I might still be stuck in character...

Guest: That's a great response :D Also, the ending isn't fixed yet, but I have to confess that my main objective here is humor rather than shipping (that's why humor is the first genre). Well, we'll see how it goes :p.

Raj: There are two Oregairu characters that I have a lot of trouble writing without going very OOC, especially romantically... sadly they are the main heroines Yui and Yukino. X_X I might try one day when I understand them better.

calex: My theory is that 8man was just overdosing on festival and adrenaline rush at that time, because he was doing all kinds of out of character stuff like shouting "Love ya!" to people. In normal mode most of his memories are locked and he just can't remember them at all. Well I won't deny that this choice was made just because it was funnier though XD. A lot of the jokes I have planned just wouldn't work if 8man remembered much about the heroine.


	4. Rituals and Traffic

****Author's Note: Whoops. Apparently I made a huge mistake last chapter: Zaimokuza chose the sciences so he can't be in the same class as 8man. X_X. Well, I can't find a way to fix it without some drastic changes, so let's just pretend that some time in the second year, a guidance teacher showed Zaimokuza some previous science exams and he gave up immediately, changing back to the arts. He does that a lot in the LNs after all.  
****

* * *

Rituals and Traffic  


A common belief in society is that loners have terribly low self-esteem.

However, this is a merely misconception caused by the fact that riajuus have excessive, almost Gilgamesh levels of self-esteem. **[1]** It is analogous to how even the tallest skyscrapers look small when compared to the sun.

The best evidence of this can be observed from the incredibly lengthy parting rituals of the riajuus.

In the minds of riajuus, almost nothing in the world is more important than themselves. Got a game you want to play? A book you want to read? Or just want to rest a while? Not good enough.

If you ever have to part with a riajuu, even if it is just for a few minutes, you must have an extremely good reason, and you must explain that reason in detail and how much you hate the fact that the reason even exists. Furthermore, you must actively reassure the riajuu that as soon as you have disposed of that dreadful reason, you will make every effort to return to the riajuu's side as soon as possible.

Fail to do so, and the riajuu will take some serious offense, believing you to be utterly rude and imbecilic. After all, your actions would imply that you are under some misguided delusion that there exists something more important than the riajuu that you have to attend to. No doubt the riajuu would then feel very compelled to destroy those screwed up illusions of yours. **[2]  
**

Thus with every parting of riajuus, an incredible amount of time is wasted on explaining to one another exactly why they have absolutely no choice but to part, how much they regret the fact that they have absolutely no choice but to part, and how they will take steps to ensure that they will meet again soon and then never ever part again.

In contrast, loners possess a much healthier level of self-esteem, one that is actually in touch with reality. We properly understand that the world is a huge place with an infinite number of things more important than social interactions. Since there is no need to repeatedly explain this fact to one another, loners do not mind even if partings occur with no words whatsoever.

Then again, loners never have social interactions, and thus never have partings. Heh. Well... that just meant loners were able to save even more time. Truly, loners were so productive, one would suspect that they were raised for the sole purpose of becoming corporate slaves. _Wait... that wasn't the case was it?!_

...

Well... world-changing conspiracy aside, my point was that for a short window of time after the end of the last class, loners would have VIP access to the hallways. All other students would remain trapped in their classrooms for a while longer, having to once again repeat their daily rituals of explaining to one another why the end of school meant they needed to part ways.

Thus while Yuigahama Yui, service club attendance enforcer, was still stuck in her parting rituals with Miura, I entered Stealth Hikki mode and slipped out of the classroom. I had to be very careful to avoid the first year classrooms though, Stealth Hikki has never worked on Komachi... or anyone who was specifically looking for me. I had learned that the hard way during last year's sports festival. With that in mind, it would be best for me to avoid the second year classrooms too.

* * *

A few minutes later, I had retrieved my bicycle and was now hiding in the shadows near the school entrance. Just a little bit further... as long as I avoided getting caught for a little bit longer, the plan would succeed.

Soon, the girl of my dreams appeared. The word was written as "dreams", but it was pronounced as "schemes". **[3]**

She was looking around anxiously, presumably because this was where we had agreed to meet yet I was nowhere in sight. So I started to call out to her...

...and then realized that I still didn't remember her name.

Megumi Kato? Akaza Akari? Touyoko Momoko? **[4]**

Hmm... no matter how one looked at it, those were definitely wrong. That last one seemed like it was somehow related though...

Ah well. Meeting rituals are just as inane as parting rituals anyway. Only riajuus would be offended if they weren't called by name. For loners, we would be more than happy even if the only greeting was a slight nod or a split second of eye contact. Thus I decided to simply move in front of her and give her exactly that: eye contact.

When I got closer, I noticed that she was walking while pushing her bicycle. As expected of a loner. We had the consideration to procure our own means of transport, rather than hitching rides from others or insisting that everyone walk so that more conversation can be made.

Come to think of it, one of the best memories of my high school life involved her bicycle...

Approximately one year ago, in a horribly misguided attempt to fulfill a service club request, Yuigahama had outsourced our job to pretty boy Hayama Hayato. The professional gigolo had then proceeded to ambush this girl while she was unlocking her bicycle, and made a series of heart-throbbing passes at her that would make any girl swoon.

Clearly, I am not and have never been a girl, yet even I was half swooning just from witnessing it from far away. The other half of me wanted him to explode though, so I was still okay. _There was no need to call Ebina. Nothing to see here._

In any case, I could only imagine the amount of destructive power the Hayama Sparkle had if one was confronted with it up close.

Fortunately, this girl was not just any girl, she was a girl with a gigantic brother complex. Her brother occupied so much of her heart, that she just couldn't see anyone else in a romantic light, not even a dreamy Hayama-class bishonen who was suavely putting the moves on her like some sort of Casanova. **[5]** Thus Hayama Hayato was beautifully shot down.

Ah... just remembering that scene filled me with such bliss.

When I returned to reality, I suddenly realized that the girl in my memories had been staring at me since some time ago. _Oops._

"W-what is it?" I asked nervously. _Had I done something weird while I was spacing out?_

She immediately turned away and stuttered, "N-Nothing!"

Then she mumbled softly, "...it's just rare to see you smiling."

 _Oh shoot!_ I quickly wiped the smile off my face while turning the other way. "Sorry. Was that creepy?"

I have been doing a lot of smiling practice in front of the bathroom mirror, and Komachi said that my smiles have been getting better, but those were the words of a family member and thus they couldn't really be objectively trusted. It was still best to avoid smiling in front of other people.

"I was just thinking that meeting you has been the best thing that happened to me since entering Sobu High."

Yes... if not for her, I wouldn't have been able to witness the sight of pretty boy Hayama getting rejected after all. Truly, her existence was the first time I was ever happy to be in the service club.

No wait... if I thought about it a bit more carefully, it was actually the second best... meeting Totsuka had to be the first. Definitely. But I couldn't exactly tell people that. Still... those dates with Totsuka sure were fun... **[6]**

I was about to enter another delusion, but a loud shout snapped me out of it. The shout came from the girl who was still looking away from me. Right... I was still in the middle of talking to her.

"Wha-wha-what are you saying all of a sudden!? A-a-are you a moron?"

She then got on her bicycle and started pedaling. "...Come on, let's go."

I wanted to retort "what do you mean by a moron?", but then I realized that her face was still red. Was she still not feeling well? In that case it was best to let her return home and rest as soon as possible.

Actually, on further thought, getting away from the school as quickly as possible was in my best interests as well. In that sense, my current actions of wasting everyone's time with my delusions of Totsuka was truly moronic. Thus I had nothing to say, even if Totsuka was an angel who deserved every brain cell I could afford.

While mentally apologizing to Totsuka for my lack of religious devotion due to these pressing circumstances, I quietly got on my bicycle as well and followed.

* * *

And what followed was a long period of peaceful silence as the two of us pedaled our way towards the girl's household.

This was another advantage of loners. We did not mind silence. Thus we could properly devote ourselves to following traffic safety laws instead of thinking about conversational topics.

Countries all over the world have banned the use of cell phones while driving precisely because of how dangerous it is to be distracted by a phone. Now imagine that, if instead of the phone, you had the actual person right next to you, talking to you and getting in the way of your driving. Isn't that far more likely to cause accidents?

By that logic, clearly all of these riajuus who were permanently engaged in conversation should be kept under house arrest, since any of them in transportation is just an accident waiting to happen. The roads of every city should be reserved for loners and only loners, thus making the world a much safer place for everyone.

While my head filled with impractical ideas on how I could get this law passed, I noticed that the girl in front of me was frequently turning her head around to glance back at me.

...Was she checking to make sure that I was still following? There really wasn't any need to be that considerate. If there is one thing I'm confident in, it is my navigational skills, in particular my ability to follow people around. After all, every single school trip I had during middle school consisted of me simply being made to follow behind a group of classmates who simply did whatever they pleased while ignoring my existence, and yet I had never gotten lost even once.

...Or rather, the way her long, silver ponytail swayed about whenever she turned her head was starting to become very distracting...

As a loner, I did not often get a chance to look at people for long periods of time. After all, they would quickly start to feel self-conscious and scream about how I was apparently behaving like some sort of creepy pervert.

However, since I didn't know where this girl's home was, and she was leading the way, there was no choice but to look at her. For once, I had a legitimate excuse to stare at a girl. I could feel her giving off vibes like "Don't stare at me so much...", but I had no choice!

Yes... and there was also no choice but to examine her properly! I had to make sure I was following the right person after all. _Since I didn't even know her name, wouldn't it be terrible if I somehow got confused and ended up following a complete stranger instead? That would be so dangerous!_ Therefore I concluded that there was no other alternative: I had an obligation to properly examine every nook and cranny of her body.

There weren't any ulterior motives behind my actions, honest! At most, this was merely an artistic appreciation of the female anatomy.

Well, since I was behind her, I could only examine her back though. The important parts were also partially blocked by her bicycle. I could roughly tell that she had a figure that wouldn't lose to Yuigahama's, but that was all.

So instead, my attention had been drawn to the ponytail that was dangling in front of me.

...

For the longest time, I have always wondered why our cat Kamakura was so obsessed with chasing dangling objects.

I had read online that there was a scientific explanation: cats chased after dangling objects because these objects reminded them of the prey that their ancestors used to hunt in ancient times.

However, that explanation seemed pretty dubious to me. After all, our cat Kamakura was just as lazy as I was. Forget hunting his own food, he pretty much never exerted himself to do any activity whatsoever. Thus to claim that he had any hunting instincts left in him just seemed completely absurd.

Well, I think I found the answer today. _If you imagined that the dangling object was attached to the back of a girl's head, doesn't the will to chase automatically awaken?_

Indeed, I could feel that the charm of dangling objects has just increased by 36 percent! **[7]**

Suddenly, her ponytail stopped moving.

 _...What happened?_

Following suit, I came to a stop as well, while continuing to stare at the stationary ponytail and wondering what went wrong. _Why did this game of tag come to an abrupt end? And I was so close to screaming "Gonna be the Pony-Tail!" too..._ **[8]**

Then the ponytail spoke.

 _...Wait no. That wasn't right._ _The owner of the ponytail was the one that was speaking._

"We're here."

 _Oh._

* * *

 ** **[1] Reference to Type-Moon's Fate series. Gilgamesh is a character whose ego is so large he believes everything in the world belongs to him.****

 ** **[2] Kamijou Touma's catchphrase from To Aru Majutsu no Index. Often said when he punches people, which a riajuu might do to you if you don't say goodbye to him properly.****

 ** **[3] In Chuunibyou-style writing, a word is written, and then written above it in small print is an unusual way of pronouncing the word to make it sound cooler. Only for the author though. Everyone else is left wondering how in the world "Phantom Crimson Slash" could possibly be pronounced as "Bloody Nightmare Slasher"...****

 ** **[4] Three anime characters whose main defining trait is their lack of presence. (Just like Miss Unknown here in the anime ;_;) Megumi Kato is from Saekano, Akaza Akari is from Yuru Yuri, and Touyoko Momoko is from Saki.****

 ** **[5] "Bishonen" is Japanese for "Incredibly handsome young man".****

 ** **[6] Hachiman has been on multiple dates with Totsuka. So far only one of them has made it into the anime though :(. Need OVAs for the others so I can laugh myself silly.****

 ** **[7] This is a reference to a line from Kyon, protagonist of the Suzumiya Haruhi series, describing the wonders of a ponytail.****

 ** **[8] There's an anime called "Gonna be the Twin-Tail!" about a protagonist who obsesses over twin-tails.****

* * *

 ** **Author's Note: In appreciation for all the reviewers who have been following this story, here is a long (and perhaps long overdue?) chapter of appreciation for the unnamed heroine! Purely artistic of course... :P  
****

 ** **This is the longest chapter I've ever written, and yet it's still pretty short compared to the others on this site... *Wonders how the other authors do it...*****

 ** **Anyway, I've been trying to add humor here and there by having 8man behave somewhat hypocritically without him really thinking about it. Like in last chapter, he complained about girls recoiling in disgust from eye contact with loners, and then a little while later he recoiled in disgust from eye contact with Zaimokuza XD. Do people enjoy that? (Or are people just skipping the parts with Zaimokuza in them altogether :(?)****

 **Also, it's scaring me how 8man's twisted monologues are somehow starting to look strangely convincing to me... I know they are wrong... no, are they? :S Hmm...**

* * *

Some responses to the reviews:

Guest from before/testamentKaiser: This story is set in the same timeline as the Christmas Adventure, but both stories can be read independently. No need to read one to understand the other. Komachi is pretty much guaranteed to give away all of 8man's personal information to any girl that asks after all XD.

Guest from before: According to the LNs, she knows 8man saw her "treasure", but at that time, she just didn't care. Now is probably a different story :P

Also, Yui has probably gotten used to 8man staring at her clique by now. And even if she has any complaints, its too late. 8man has just used his VIP privileges to escape XD.

shademaster: I was actually getting worried that I might be focusing too little on the "hikiwaski antics", so I'm glad to see your comment. 8man's monologues fly all over the place after all, meaning its hard to keep him focused on one character. So you can rest assured that future chapters will still include plenty of other gags, in addition to the "hikiwaski antics".

testamentKaiser: *Wonders which Iroha fanfic...*


	5. Flags and Family

Flags and Family  


At last, I had reached Akasha. Apparently my delusions were the key to activating Time Alter: Infinite Accel, since the trip here seemed instantaneous. **[1]**

Jokes aside, the two of us were now in front of her house. I parked my bicycle next to hers and followed her while mentally rubbing my hands together gleefully like a stereotypical criminal mastermind. Everything was going exactly according to plan. Now that I had reached this stage, no one could get in my way anymore!

 _Wait, wasn't that a death flag?_

...

As if on cue, the girl in front of me suddenly stopped and turned around.

"Err... erm..."

 _What? What was happening? Why did she stop?_ The girl whose name still eluded me had not said anything concrete yet, but the apologetic expression on her face said it all.

"...I'm sorry but..."

 _Oh no. No no no. The stay over was going to be denied here. But that didn't make any sense... why would she wait until we had arrived before denying my request? What would be the point of that?_

"...Could you wait out here for a little while?"

 _Oh._

 _...That's it?_ There wasn't any problem with a little wait, so I grunted a nod.

"Thanks, I'll be quick."

The girl smiled and then entered the house alone.

...

 _...Whew._

I had gotten scared for no reason. _Seriously, this girl could be so misleading._

I guess she had a few things she didn't want outsiders to see, but she didn't have to make a big deal out of it. Everybody has secrets, so having stuff to hide is completely natural. Only someone as inconsiderate and pushy as Isshiki would deny the resident the right to secrecy. Thanks to that my notebook of people I would never forgive was almost discovered. Truly dangerous... I had to figure out how to make a drawer with a false bottom and an explosive trap soon. **[2]**

Incidentally, that notebook now featured multiple appearances of Isshiki because of her indecent antics. _Toying with my adolescent heart like that was just unforgivable!_

But I digress. The point was that with such experiences under my belt, there was no way that I would be so hypocritical as to deny others the chance to hide their secrets, whatever they may be.

After a few minutes of listening to the sounds of hurried footsteps passing through the walls, the front door opened again to reveal a panting girl with disheveled hair. _Was it really necessary to be so frantic? I wouldn't really mind if I was told to wait longer..._

"You... can... come in now..." she declared while catching her breath.

"O-Oh." I nodded and followed her in.

At last... the day had come when Hikigaya Hachiman would stay over at a girl's house.

The me of the past would be swooning in anticipation of all the romantic comedy developments that could occur. The me of today only had the shattered remnants of those delusions. Romantic comedy developments only happen in fiction. In reality, when a male and a female stay in close proximity, all that exists is one-sided lust, countered by a proportional amount of one-sided disgust.

Perhaps if it was a different girl I might still have some expectations, but the girl I was following was one who had survived the Hayama Sparkle. There was no way that her brain contained even a single cell that was receptive to thoughts of romance.

And then I saw it. Something that literally made me swoon.

* * *

...

Now, to be fair, the number of residences I have set foot in could be counted on one hand, so I can't really be sure what a normal household is supposed to look like.

But still... this house was definitely strange. It reminded me of how the rooms of stalkers are shown in manga and anime.

Specifically, there were photos. Lots of them. Photos everywhere. Photo frames on top of the counter. Photo frames on top of the table. Photo frames hanging from hooks on the walls. And apparently that wasn't enough, since there were also countless photos that were just taped directly onto the walls.

The one difference was that these photos were not of an individual. ...If they were I would have probably run away and pretended this entire incident never happened. Instead, they were all family photos, focusing on this girl and her siblings at various ages as they grew up over the years.

 _...Just how obsessed with family was this household?! Did they join hands and sing "Big Dango Family" every time they had a meal?_ **[3]** The sheer number of photos simply defied all logical explanation.

 _...No wait. If I put my mind to it, I'm sure I can unravel this mystery. There is always only one truth!_ **[4]**

Considering the overwhelming amount of photos, there was no way that this girl's parents were unaware of them. Thus her parents must be either culprits or accomplices... so why would they have created this monstrosity? If I recall correctly, both of this girl's parents were forced into corporate slavery...

Let's think about it from their point of view... as a corporate slave, during the once in a blue moon hour of freedom to return home, one of the things you would inevitably look forward to is being warmly welcomed by a loving family. However, as a corporate slave, you are not given breaks during regular hours. Instead, your breaks would probably occur around the wee hours of the morning.

Source was my own parents, who often returned home at those times.

...But the only reason I knew this was because I often used my excess energy gained from not interacting with anyone during the day by staying up and reading manga throughout the night. Most children would be sound asleep, so corporate slaves would normally return to a house of silence.

...And since they wouldn't want to disturb their sleeping children, they would naturally continue to spend time in silence... completely alone while waiting for their kids to wake up by themselves. But being a corporate slave meant their breaks were short. Ultimately, they would eventually be forced to go back to work without ever seeing any of their family members.

If that was the case, then I could understand. The only thing that was keeping the corporate slaves of this household going was this mass of photos... reminders of the family they never actually meet and the reason for why they still continue to work. It was so horribly sad, that I couldn't bring myself to rebuke them for it.

While holding back my tears, I strengthened my own resolve. I was definitely not going to become a corporate slave in the future! With that conclusion, I started to thoroughly examine each and every photo. _Etch this sight into your eyes and burn it into your memories Hachiman! This is the future that awaits you if you become a corporate slave! A home where your family exists only in photos!_

"...Um... please... d-don't stare that much..." A sudden voice interrupted my investigation.

Turning to the source, my eyes met the visage of a very embarrassed girl who was blushing from ear to ear and shyly avoiding eye contact. _Weird... this girl looks strangely similar to the girl in the photos I was looking at..._

... _Oh right._ Those were photos of her family, which naturally included her. So what I had been so absorbed in doing was brazenly staring at the childhood photos of a girl while standing right in front of her. _Gah! Wasn't that super embarrassing?!_ I could feel my face burning up as the realization continued to sink in.

As the awkward silence of mutual embarrassment continued to linger, I struggled to find an appropriate excuse for my shameful behavior, but there was none. _Come to think of it, when Yuigahama and Isshiki came over to my home and went around examining every item as if it was a rare artifact, wasn't I extremely annoyed by that? Yet here I was doing the exact same thing in this girl's home... natural curiosity sure is scary..._

I guess the best thing I could do now was admit my mistake and move on. "S-Sorry."

It seems that her stuttering was infectious, as I had started doing it too.

"...Ah. Well... um... it... it's not like you can't look... but just... just..." The flustered girl searched for the right words to say, but in this type of situation those words probably didn't exist.

Normally it would be okay to just say "Don't look!", but since the photos were everywhere, that wasn't really an option unless she wanted me to keep my eyes shut for my entire stay.

So she gave up. "...A-Anyway! Why don't you come in and have a seat?"

"O-Okay." I nodded and we relocated from standing near the front entrance to sitting down at a table in the living room.

* * *

A few minutes of silence passed as our minds tried to forcefully repress our memories so we could pretend the fiasco earlier never happened. _What never happened? Exactly._

Suddenly the girl stood up and spoke in a panic: "Ah! Where are my manners? I should be serving tea!"

At least, that was what I think she said, because she dashed towards the kitchen mid-sentence without waiting for me to respond.

She immediately ran back to the table with a teapot in her hands, and then realized that there were no cups. What followed was a series of back and forth sprints that would put professional athletes to shame as she proceeded to bring out various items from the kitchen.

 _Was there any need to be this hospitable?_ I certainly never did anything of the sort for my own guest... for all the complaining she did about it, at the end of the day she was an unwelcome guest, the same as I currently was in this situation. Considering that I was the one who pretty much forced his way in, there really shouldn't be any need for the resident to be so welcoming. In America, the proper way to treat such guests would be to call them trespassers and shoot them, so guests should really learn to be satisfied even if they are completely ignored. _Or rather, that would be the ideal for me..._

While I mused to myself, the list of items on the table in front of me continued to grow. _Did this girl not have a stamina bar?_ **[5]** _How many trips has she made already? Actually, how was there even that many items to bring out?_

I looked at the items she had been carrying around... cups, plates, snacks, pears... _wait was that a knife in her hand?!_

My loner senses tingled... **[6]** _Danger!_

My subconscious had apparently predicted the outcome before my mind did, because my body had started moving before I was aware of it. The situation was strangely reminiscent of the car accident I got in at the start of my high school life, but this time it was not a dog whose life was in danger, it was a human being.

In that case, perhaps communication could help to avert disaster.

"Watch out!"

But my shout backfired instead.

Rather than looking at the small soft toy that was sitting in her path, the girl carelessly turned her head around to face the source of the voice while continuing to run. She only let out a shout of realization when she stepped on the toy and started to slip backwards, knife still in hand.

* * *

 **[1] Another reference to Type-Moon's Fate series. Akasha is the root of all magic, and one of the ways to get there is to accelerate time until the end of the universe. Time Alter is the name of one of the spells that manipulates time.**

 **[2] How the Death Note was hidden.**

 **[3] "Big Dango Family" is the family theme song of Clannad, an anime with family themes. Very family-friendly.  
**

 **[4] Detective Conan's catchphrase.**

 **[5] In some games, characters cannot run around forever. Instead, they have a stamina bar, and once it is empty, the characters are forced to walk instead of run.**

 **[6] Spider-man.**

* * *

 **Spoiler warning for this note...**

 **Author's Note: Nothing much to say for this chapter. Only thing is I feel like I might have _butchered_ some of the characters in this chapter. Literally... especially Hi _knifed_ gaya-kun...**

 **...**

 **Just kidding. Sorry, some of my dark humor leaked out a bit, but don't worry, this story won't actually turn into gore.**

* * *

As always, thanks for the reviews. Some responses:

Guest: O_O, the worst part about that scenario is that 8man dates her but still doesn't know her name XD.

testamentKaiser: That's good to hear, because there's more saekano references coming...

calex: They're both loners, so it's difficult to make them talk :(. The next chapter will have more talking though :p.


	6. Life and Death

Life and Death  


 _Ow..._

My body screamed in pain.

Somehow, I had managed to reach the girl in time to catch her. Furthermore, I had even managed to grab the hand wielding the knife, thus ensuring that this dangerous object did not go flying.

What I had not managed to do was get in a proper receiving position. Thus the weight of her body had slammed my own body into the ground.

As I expected, the gods of romantic comedy were stupid. My first hug with a girl was a matter of life and death. _Well, it was still a situation that brought dolphins to mind though..._ **[1]**

No. This was no time for jokes. The cold steel blade in my right hand was evidence of that. And more importantly, even if I had cushioned her fall, the girl may still have been hurt.

"Are you alright?"

In response, the girl let out a shriek and attempted to scramble to her feet. _Perfectly fine then I see._ Thank goodness, I almost got involved in a homicide investigation.

...Then again, it was too early to make that conclusion. If I just let this knife wielding maniac go wild again, one of us could really end up dead, so I tightly held on to her and prevented her from getting up.

 _Stop struggling! It makes it harder to remove your underwear!_ **[2]**

No wait, what I was trying to remove here was the knife. _This was no time to be distracted!_

"Calm down! It's dangerous!" _...And certain parts are bumping into certain other parts!_ **[3]**

But I couldn't enjoy the sensation at all since the cold steel blade was still commandeering all of my attention. _You got me again, romantic comedy gods._

After a bit more struggling, the knife wielder eventually calmed down, so I continued speaking. "Look... you don't have to be so nervous. There's no need to force yourself to make everything perfect."

Only a riajuu would have an ego so excessive that they expected a perfect reception while boldly intruding on other people's property. Loners like us with normal levels of self-esteem have no such expectations... well then again loners don't really intrude on other people's houses in the first place.

This exceptional situation where one loner was intruding on another loner's house was probably what had thrown this girl off and caused her to attempt to imitate a riajuu's social customs. It was an act that was as pointless as it was dangerous, since I wasn't expecting any welcome to begin with.

 _Right... instead of copying a riajuu, for loners like us..._ "...we can just go at our own pace."

...Or rather, this whole plan was originally constructed based on this loner girl's usual behavior of not really interacting with anyone outside of her family. After all, she was an exemplary loner with the consideration to not bother others. Thus I figured that I could spend time in peace even while in her presence.

Nay, considering that all of my other options had been eliminated, it would be more accurate to say that I could spend time in peace _only_ while in her presence.

But that line of thinking only applied if she behaved normally. If she started acting like one of those bothersome riajuus who kept trying to engage their guests, my entire plan would fall apart. I had to put a stop to this at once. So I added another sentence.

"Actually, the way you are normally is already perfect, so there's no need to act any differently. Just be yourself."

That should do it. In the first place, the only reason she was acting like this was because she was trying to be considerate of her unusual guest. That meant that if her guest personally stated that he was already satisfied and didn't need anything else, those unnecessary welcome gestures should cease.

...

Hmm... I was expecting some sort of understanding nod in response, but I only received silence. In fact, the girl on top of me had turned completely stiff. I guess she had just realized how dangerous her actions were and was currently frozen in shock. She probably hadn't heard even a word of what I said. _Sigh..._

...Oh well, at least she had finally stopped moving, which meant that I now had an opportunity. To dispose of the knife that is.

Carefully, I pried open her hand and tossed the knife aside. _Whew..._

At last, I have successfully avoided the world line where the girl was stabbed and lay dying in a pool of blood. All of those time loops I have been simulating inside my head have finally paid off. **[4]**

Now that the dangerous item was safely out of the way, it was time to unfreeze this girl. Being pinned to the ground like this was very uncomfortable in various ways after all... I was simultaneously getting some very wrong ideas and some very real visions of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

I lightly nudged her, but no response came.

"Oi... are you really okay?"

...Still no response.

 _Damn..._ if only I could remember this girl's name. Ka... Kawa... Kawanawa? An unspeakable image of a hand-waving delinquent-businessman hybrid came to mind, proving that this latest guess was way off.

Suddenly, the girl let out a shriek and jumped to her feet. Since she was no longer equipped with a dangerous weapon, I didn't stop her this time. And at that moment, I experienced a sudden surge of memories...

...

I remember now! This girl's name is Kawasaki Saki!

Hmm hmm. It seems that staring death in the face had unsealed my latent mental powers. That was the only explanation for the instantaneous boost to my memory capabilities... it definitely didn't have anything to do with the glimpse of black I saw when she got up.

Still, that little shriek Kawasaki made when she got up was strangely cute. Furthermore, the way she was now blushing furiously and struggling to make a coherent sentence while repeatedly making various "Ah-Ah-" and "I-I-" sounds was making my heart pound just as furiously.

 _Eh? Eh?! Was Kawasaki always such a cute girl?_ All traces of her normal cold and aloof appearance were gone. It was the dawn of a Kawaii Kawasaki, or Kawaiisaki for short. **[5]**

 _Hmm? Could this be...? Could this possibly be a romantic comedy development? Has Hikigaya Hachiman finally raised a flag for the first time in his 18 years of life?_

Involuntarily, my face started heating up, and my mind began wandering towards various unhealthy places.

But then my life experiences kicked in. There was no way that a loner like Hikigaya Hachiman, or better known as the chew toy of the romance comedy gods, could possibly have such convenient developments occur in his life!

 _This is definitely that. That. That thing... Right! The suspension bridge effect! Since my life had been in serious danger, my heart was just throbbing from the extreme fear of death. Therefore, it had absolutely nothing to do with romance, and this adorable creature in front of me was definitely just a delusion!_

 _Guh_! This was all because being on the verge of death had triggered my human body's banal animal desires to leave behind offspring. That useless evolutionary baggage of the human species was now causing me to witness this optical illusion... a false image superimposed on top of the real person.

...

Well... even if the image was a fake, the various soft parts of her body that I had made contact with earlier were definitely real right? And those parts were now swaying to and fro enticingly while the lovably flustered girl wriggled shyly and attempted to-

 _Wait! Don't be deceived! All that awaits is a cruel reality once the suspension bridge effect wears off!_

Damn, I nearly fell for it there. _Calm down, my beating heart!_

 _Remember that this isn't the real thing! My delinquent classmate can't be this cute!_ **[6]**

The genuine version of her was probably staring at me in disgust and weighing her options... probably trying to determine if I had exploited the opportunity to intentionally grope her and wondering whether or not she should forgive those transgressions. And if I continue to drool and stare creepily at this surprisingly ample figment of my imagination, the real thing would most likely receive excessively ample motivation to press charges!

As such, I needed to get this imaginary creature out of my field of vision as soon as possible! But Kawaiisaki didn't look like she was going to move on her own any time soon, so I gave her a verbal nudge. "W-Well... why don't you have a sit over there for now?" I said while pointing to the table we were sitting at earlier.

In response, the fantasy being nodded meekly and moved over to the table. She then sat down with her shoulders tucked in and stared at the ground in embarrassment. Everything she did, from the little feminine gestures she made while walking, to the frequent shy glances at me to gauge my reaction, was strangely reminiscent of Totsuka.

Which was how I knew for sure that I was seeing things. _As if any real human being could be compared to Totsuka! The mere thought of that was heresy in itself!_

I averted my gaze. I needed something else to do. Something to distract me until the suspension bridge effect wears off. Luckily, the knife that was still lying on the ground gave me the perfect excuse. Quickly, I picked it up and moved to the kitchen to wash it in the sink.

...

 _...Could I just stay in the kitchen forever?_ No. That was stupid. Kawasaki would obviously come in and check on me if I took too long. In the worst case, I would end up trapped in this confined space in close proximity to the fake Kawaiisaki, and when I inevitably lost control of my desires and attempted some sort of sexual assault, the real Kawasaki would retaliate with an actual assault, effectively turning into Kowaisaki. **[7]**

...

 _...Should I just leave then?_ But that would mean abandoning the plan...

I ruled that out immediately. After all of the effort it took to get this far, how could I possibly give up here?

Now was time to think. Although I was currently afflicted with these horrible vision impediments because of the suspension bridge effect, didn't I also receive a mental buff? It was time to leverage that boost. _Plot, scheme, and devise countermeasures for every possibility!_

* * *

Another common misconception of society is that loners have no social skills. People think that loners become flustered and awkward whenever they encounter a social situation simply because they don't have any idea how to handle such situations.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Loners actually possess excellent social skills... these skills just happen to be highly specialized in one direction... namely getting out of these troublesome social situations or avoiding them entirely in the first place. After all, there is no need for dangerous confrontations when there is a peaceful option of avoiding, and loners specialize in looking for such options. Truly, world leaders wouldn't have such trouble with signing peace treaties if they had even an ounce of the expertise loners had.

Yes... even if the option of peacefully leaving the house had been ruled out, there must still exist other peaceful alternatives that would allow me to avoid these problems just as effectively, or at least until they somehow resolved themselves. All I needed to do was to search for these alternatives.

...

The first thing that came to mind was to just lock myself in the toilet.

But that was too hasty. And thanks to my improved memory abilities, I could perfectly remember the incident in elementary school when my classmates called me a toilet ghost because I had spent too much time loitering in the restrooms. I don't think Kawasaki would do something like that, but it was better to save such measures as a last resort.

Furthermore, simply hiding within the Kawasaki household wasn't entirely safe either...

According to my analysis, there were currently two issues that endangered my safety.

First, the apparition called Kawaiisaki needed to remain outside my field of vision, or at least do as little as possible while within it. It would be best if she just kept absolutely still and did absolutely nothing. If this delusion started serving me tea and snacks, I had a feeling that these mental problems I was currently experiencing would ascend one tier higher, and henceforth I would never be able to see Kawasaki in normal clothes, only Kawaiisaki in a maid outfit.

Second, the clumsy, accident-prone, former knife wielding maniac known as the real Kawasaki also needed to do as little as possible. Since she didn't seem to have heard anything I said earlier, there was a good chance that she would resume her dangerous imitation of the riajuu house guest welcoming ritual. And now that I couldn't actually see what she was doing because of the superimposed image, this was especially dangerous.

I could already envision a scenario where the real Kawasaki would accidentally set the house on fire, and I would end up burning to crisp because up until the last moment, I would only see the panicking Kawasaki as an adorably flustered Kawaiisaki, and even when I saw the flickering flames of our impending doom surrounding us, I would simply mistake them for bishie sparkles that were radiating from her overwhelming cuteness.

Imagining that terrifying scenario caused me to involuntarily shudder and reconsider leaving, but I continued thinking.

In addition to these primary issues, there were also two more secondary concerns. One was to find some activities to distract myself with, so I could resist the temptations of my optical hallucination. The other was to somehow pacify the real Kawasaki. If I thought about things from her point of view, there was a good chance that the real Kawasaki was currently enraged about our earlier bouts of inappropriate contact.

In fact, now that I think about it, all of those long pauses she had been making were probably due to inner mental struggles of a completely different nature...

 _Remember how she had survived the Hayama Sparkle? A Kawaiisaki whose head was filled with romance was nothing more than a delusion._

Instead, the real Kawasaki was probably desperately struggling to suppress her desires... and no, those desires were probably not desires of the lustful sort. Instead, they were probably desires to inflict violent punishments upon the sexual offender in front of her, motivated by various concepts of justice and vengeance. Thankfully, in this lawful society known as Japan, carrying out your own brand of vigilante justice wasn't something you could just do without suffering some sort of undesirable legal consequences. That was probably the sole reason that I still remained unscathed, but it wouldn't hold up for long if I continued to provoke her.

Hmm...

If I put these four issues together, then there was only one solution.

* * *

 **[1] [2] [3] References? What are you talking about? I don't know those NSFW scenes you're claiming are similar to these.**

 **[4] Reference to Stein's Gate.**

 **[5] "Kawaii" is Japanese for "Cute". Hence Totsukawaii and Shizukawaii.**

 **[6] Reference to Oreimo.**

 **[7] "Kowai" is Japanese for "Scary". Be careful not to confuse this with "Kawaii" when speaking Japanese!**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Writing this chapter was hard :(. Thanks to reading the other yandere story, my writing about the knife started giving off some very different impressions... x_x.**

 **And so, after a lot of rewriting, 8man has managed to avoid the world line where he married Kawasaki, only to wake up in a hospital a few months later, still in high school, and finding out that everything was a dream he had while comatose from the knife wounds inflicted.**

* * *

As always, thanks for the reviews. Some responses:

jminator: I can't tell you that directly without changing points of view, so here is 8man's best guess of what's going on in Kawasaki's head instead XD.

FanFictionLeon: The anime is also weird, it made Keika look the same age/size as Rumi. I was expecting her to be much smaller because according to the LN translations, Keika is actually still in nursery school (so around age 5?), whereas Rumi is in elementary school (so around age 10?). (Wait... nursery and elementary ARE different even in Japan's education system right?)

bosdicha: Because Keika is a little kid, she can't be left alone at home without anyone to look after her. She is still at the nursery for now, so she will only appear in the story later on.


	7. Imagination and Imitation

Imagination and Imitation  


When I returned to the living room, Kawaiisaki was still there, restlessly moving about in her seat.

 _Sigh... will I ever be able to meet the real Kawasaki again?_

Putting it that way made it sound like we were a pair of star-crossed lovers, kept apart by some cruel twist of fate, so it was strangely romantic. The fact that I was even thinking such ridiculous thoughts was proof that the suspension bridge effect was still going strong.

As I sat across from her, an awkward silence filled the room. Now that we were face to face, I couldn't help but get nervous.

Normally, the main reason why loners would become nervous wrecks when talking to a cute girl was that no matter how remote the probability, the loner could envision a future where he and the girl became happily married. After all, the only important thing about a low probability is... it's not zero! **[1]** That being said, the next word the loner uttered could utterly destroy that future forever, making the probability truly zero. Thus they always had to choose their next words with a level of extreme caution comparable to handling radioactive materials.

However, I was an experienced loner. I already knew that the probability of such a future was actually zero right from the start. A world where I married her and had two wonderful children named Hiki and Kosaki was something that could only exist in an alternate dimension. **[2]** _I mean, think about it... the Kawaiisaki I was talking to wasn't even real! How could there possibly be a future where I got married to an imaginary being?_

No wait... perhaps I was being too hasty in making that conclusion. Haven't there been news articles about people getting married to anime characters? If they could accomplish that, could I really say that the probability of marrying Kawaiisaki was zero?

No no... that probability had to be zero. I was already nervous enough as it is without considering such things!

While I did manage to come up with a temporary solution while in a kitchen, there were still plenty of loopholes in it so the odds of success weren't all that high.

 _...Should I perhaps give up and flee after all?_ _But then where would I go?_ All of my previous hiding locations had been unsuccessful, so one could logically conclude that running away from Kawaiisaki was equivalent to getting caught by Isshiki. That would literally be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Ultimately I reached the same conclusion as before. Despite all of the dangers Kawaiisaki posed, there was no safer place in the world than beside Kawasaki. So there was no choice but to stay and trust in my countermeasures.

* * *

Since I didn't have too much time to think, the plan this time was pretty simple. People only move because they have unfulfilled goals. Thus, if I wanted to prevent Kawasaki from moving, all I needed to do was to pre-emptively fulfill whatever goals she was attempting to reach whenever she tried to take any action.

To start off, I needed to serve the items that were already placed on the table, before she could resume the inane house guest welcoming ritual. Snacks could be eaten directly, but the tea wasn't going to pour itself.

Granted, that would mean that this time I would be the one performing this dangerous riajuu ritual, and obviously, no riajuu ritual was part of my 108 loner skills. Especially serving rituals. Since I wasn't willing to serve anyone other than Komachi, and Komachi usually preferred to do things herself, my experience points were pretty much zero.

That said, one of my 108 loner skills was the art of mirroring, and unlike Kawasaki, I possessed a unique advantage that most loners didn't have. Over the past year or so, a certain high-class ojou-sama in the service club has been unintentionally giving me daily demonstrations on the proper art of graceful tea serving. Since the exact same motions took place every time I entered the club room, each and every part of the ritual had been burned into my permanent memory. _It wasn't like I was particularly staring at her okay? It just happened so often that it couldn't be helped! My top-notch memorization abilities were just that good._

Silently, I reached for the teapot, guided by the faint glimmer of hope that I could serve everything before she even noticed.

Of course, those were false hopes. Kawaiisaki lurched forward towards the teapot in response, and since I was sitting across from her, that motion caused certain alluring parts to move closer to me as well, so I would really like her to stop. "Ah! I should do-"

"It's fine. It's fine." I quickly interrupted her. In this situation, I really couldn't afford to let her finish any sentence, since there was a good chance that I would agree with anything she said unconditionally. Even if she had asked me for a kidney, I would have probably ripped both of mine out immediately without bothering to waste time taking anesthetics.

Hmm... I may have accidentally stumbled upon the world's greatest marketing scheme here...

1\. Put the customer in a life and death situation to trigger the suspension bridge effect.

2\. Make a cute girl ask the customer to buy products.

3\. ?

4\. PROFIT! **[3]**

But Kawasaki wasn't deterred, instead beginning another sentence. "How could I make you do that, wouldn't that make me a failure as a-"

Hurriedly, I interrupted by repeating my previous line. "I said it's fine!"

Of course, that alone wouldn't be enough to stop her, so I quickly followed up by constructing as many excuses as I could on the fly.

"Look, didn't I say it earlier? There's no need to do all this for me." Loners had healthy levels of self-esteem and did not require servitude when intruding upon other people's residences.

"Even without that, there's no place I would rather be than by your side." After all, leaving her side meant returning to Isshiki's clutches.

"There's also no need to call yourself a failure over something like this." If she could be called a failure just because she didn't serve one intruder, what would that make me, the person who has never served any of his guests?

And then I played my trump card, the main excuse I had conjured up while in the kitchen. "Right! You know... it's that. Training for the future. Like, after graduating, becoming adults, and getting married... as a house-husband, this kind of thing will eventually be part of my duties!"

Defeated by my rapid flurry of statements, Kawaiisaki blushed and sat back down in her seat, mumbling something about "getting married... house-husband..." The real Kawasaki had probably just thrown me the usual look of disgust she gave me whenever I said the words "house-husband" and decided to cease interactions with the lost cause in front of her.

...

...Well, either way, the mission was accomplished. Kawasaki had stopped moving. _All it had cost was some damage to my mental state..._

Anyway, with that conclusion, I proceeded to grasp the handle of the teapot and attempted to replicate the tea serving ritual exactly as I remembered it. I needed to be extremely careful here, if I messed up, that might be used as a pretext for Kawasaki to take over, and then everything would be over in various meanings.

The pressure from those thoughts made me feel somewhat worried about whether I could actually pull it off, but I reassured myself. After all, a great con artist once said: _"Something fake, in its deliberate attempt to be real, is more real than the real thing."_ **[4]**

 _And so, carefully, gracefully, silently... I surpassed the original and became the embodiment of Yamato Nadeshiko._ **[5]**

Except I was a guy. A little too late, a thought appeared in my mind... _did the social conventions for tea serving perhaps differ based on gender?_

 _No, that couldn't be the case right? It's just pouring tea..._

Then again, the fact that I had faithfully replicated all of her motions, right down to brushing my hair backwards before pouring the tea, was completely ridiculous since there was no way that my hair was long enough to reach anything. _Not even the prided ahoge of the Hikigayas was that long._ **[6]**

Kawasaki remained strangely silent, presumably weirded out by that inexplicable action. _I was spectacularly failing in my secondary objective of getting in Kawasaki's good books wasn't I?_

 _Oh well._

 _Let's see... next was... oh right._ The pears on the table needed to be peeled.

...

 _Ugh..._ a humiliating memory came to mind.

Roughly one year ago...

* * *

 _Keep it classy! Keep it classy!_ I chanted silently in my head.

In my hands, a perfectly peeled pear was held in place, still at a cool temperature despite the sweltering summer heat, a testament to how quickly my feat of skill had been performed.

And to my side, a perfectly crafted angel was anchored to this realm, staring at me with sparkling eyes despite the looks of disgust given off by the other people around me. Then I received an oracle from the angel itself.

"Hachiman, you're amazing. You're really good at this." **[7]**

Those sacred words had been permanently recorded into every part of my brain and replayed at every opportunity.

And then... what could have become our Shangri-La of love, was utterly destroyed by a certain ice queen and her pear rabbit minions.

Without any regard for my possible heavenly ascension, the competition freak had upstaged me right in front of the angel by transforming an entire group of pears into rabbits, all done during the time it had taken for me to peel a single one.

At that time, I was enraged, but I had to let it go since we were still in the angel's presence. However, I did make sure to record that incident in my notebook of people I would never forgive.

 _Seriously... what if the probability of my future marriage with Totsuka became zero because of that?! Please take responsibility, okay?_

* * *

Since that day, I have been secretly rebuilding my threshold tower to get another chance at ascension. **[8]** By which I mean practicing the techniques needed to craft all kinds of cute critters out of pears. Never again would I be upstaged in front of Totsuka while doing my house-husband appeal!

...Or so I would like to say, but the truth is, since my free time disappeared, so did my secret practice time. I was no longer sure I could properly perform those techniques that had grown rusty from disuse.

 _But wait, if I changed my perspective, wasn't the whole point of this stay over plan to regain my free time? In that case, peeling these pears was precisely the practice that I had been longing to do!_

UUOOOHHHH! I got fired up. My dead fish eyes gleamed with life once more, as I stared at the pears in front of me, mere stepping stones on the path to Totsuka. Picking up the fruit knife, I...

* * *

 **Author's Note: Oregairu is not a cooking manga. [9]**

* * *

...It was completed.

Proudly, I presented my painstakingly crafted work of art like a master sculptor to his king, and then remembered with disappointment that King Totsuka wasn't here. Instead, the audience was just Kawasaki, staring at me and my masterpiece with a mixture of awe and disgust.

Oh, I could see the real one again. As expected of Totsuka's divinity, even just thinking about him bestowed sacred blessings that dispelled all my mental afflictions.

 _Wait, disgust? Why?!_

I relived the same shock I experienced a year ago. _Why does everyone other than Totsuka give me that look whenever I show off my house-husband skills?_

Before I could determine the answer, a cell phone rang.

Since I didn't have mine, it was obviously Kawasaki's. I gestured that I didn't mind, so she accepted the call while I focused my attention on the next pear.

 _Fufufu... I bear you no grudge, but still you shall become my next sacrificial offering for Totsuka! Let's see... what should I make you into, my pretty?_

Right then, the cacophonous sound of a cell phone hitting the ground disrupted my religious fervor. Raising my gaze, I saw Kawasaki staring blankly into space in shock.

"What? What happened?" I inquired, wondering what could possibly be so important as to disrupt this sacred ritual. _She better have a very good excuse for this heinous act of sacrilege..._

Kawasaki responded while still staring into space. "T-There was a sudden restructuring at work, s-so my parents won't be home tonight..."

 _Oh._

 _...Wait that's it?_ Corporate slaves not being able to return home was a common occurrence, why was she so surprised? _There had to be something more right?_

I continued to look at her intently while waiting patiently for a follow-up, but none came. Instead, she seemed to become increasingly stressed the longer I waited...

Suddenly, she grabbed her phone that had fallen to the ground, and then jumped out of her seat with such energy that her thighs slammed into the table. _DANGER!_

Luckily, the force of the impact wasn't strong enough to send anything flying. The now empty tea cups also contained nothing to spill and the fruit knife was still safely in my grasp. So the only thing that had received damage was my first artwork. My beautifully sculpted masterpiece was not constructed with structural integrity in mind, so it now lay in ruins, collapsed from the sudden earthquake. But since there was no way it could have survived long enough to be witnessed by Totsuka anyway, I didn't really care.

Still, hitting the table with such force must have hurt quite a bit, yet Kawasaki showed no signs of pain. _Just how high was her pain tolerance?_ Instead, she just ignored the situation and blurted out something completely unrelated. "I-I-I'm going to take a shower!"

...

Hmm... how was one supposed to interpret this message? _Was this a shared bathing flag? Was she inviting me?_

 _Well too bad._

Things might have gone differently if she had said those words earlier, but now that the suspension bridge effect had been dispelled, there was no way that I would fall for those unrealistic delusions.

The far more probable explanation was that those words were just meant as an implicit warning. The message underneath them was probably something along the lines of "If you peek, you will die." Telling me her plans up front was simply a method for sealing off the one and only escape route of pleading ignorance should that scenario unfold.

It was a good thing that I had plenty of experience in reading between the lines. Thus the message was received loud and clear without any room for misunderstandings. In short, that just meant that I should wait right here to avoid any lucky pervert situations. Which was just fine with me.

Thus I responded with a polite smile to indicate my complete understanding and compliance with the hidden message. "I'll be waiting."

* * *

 **[1] Quote from Tokuchi of One Outs. I felt the characters were somewhat similar superficially (bad eyes, loner, hated by everyone, reads between the lines _wayyy_ too much), so I got some cognitive dissonance when 8man was on the ads for the Mariners, who are the main antagonists for Tokuchi in One Outs.**

 **[2] And luckily for you readers, this alternate dimension exists on this very site!**

 **[3] Internet Meme.**

 **[4] Quote from Kaiki of Nisemonogatari. Random crossover idea: Kaiki feels like he could be one of Hachiman's bad end futures... rename Yukinoshita to Gaen and everything starts fitting strangely well... right down to Haruno being the older sister that always knows everything.**

 **[5] "Yamato Nadeshiko" is a Japanese term for "ideal woman". But it is still based on old traditional values like domestic abilities and subservience... so it might be easier to think of it as "perfect maid" instead.**

 **[6] "Ahoge" is that strand of hair that sticks out from the top of an anime character's head. Both 8man and Komachi have ahoges. And so does the 8 in my profile picture :). Having an ahoge is usually an indicator that the character is very important. Which I totally am XD.  
**

 **Incidentally, Kawaiisaki is the only potential love interest in Oregairu that also has a noticeable ahoge (excluding the incest route). Even Totsuka doesn't have an ahoge! What could that mean I wonder?! Kyaaa... Komachi is so excited to find out! Whoops... got in character a bit too early there.**

 **[7] These extremely misleading and potentially lewd statements were quoted exactly from Frog-kun's translation. I did not make this up!**

 **[8] Command and Conquer reference. Threshold towers are structures needed for ascension.**

 **[9] Reference to Shokugeki no Soma.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: This was supposed to be a Kawasaki chapter, but when I read what I wrote, it somehow looks more like a Totsukawaii chapter. Whoops...**

 **Anyway, if you have been reading the footnotes, you have probably guessed that the next few chapters of this story will be taking a short break from the HikiSaki antics, because even the heroine is overdosing from having too many flags raised on her head.**

 **Also, episode 12 of the anime got more Saki screen time! So more photos are being added to the walls of the Kawasaki household...**

* * *

As always, thanks for the reviews. Some responses:

bosdicha: All this time, poor Tamanawa has been so misunderstood. Turns out he was only being forced to incorporate every idea because the girl he liked kept supporting all of them with her "Preach it!"s. We should be nicer to him ;_;.

luckylucky: Good guess :p

Loner-kun: At this point we're all really just waiting for him to go "You don't have to pretend to be so tough", realize those are the exact words Hayama used, and then proceed to also realize with horror all of the other heart-throbbing lines he has been spouting.

...Except Kawasaki doesn't act tough in front of 8man anymore, so that won't happen. :(

FanFictionLeon: That would be great to see XD.

LightningDestroyer: If all that wasn't enough, 8man just used the Hachiman Sparkle at the end of this chapter without realizing it. If we could actually see it, we would all be in love right now :). Especially people who are weak to gap moe.


	8. Interlude: An Imouto's Worries

Interlude: An Imouto's Worries  


Hmm...

"...onii-chan is late." **[1]**

I pouted while slumped over on the table. It was nearly twenty minutes since the end of the last class, but onii-chan still wasn't here. _Really... how could onii-chan make two beauties like Yui-senpai and Yukino-senpai wait for him like this? What if this makes them start losing interest in him?_

 _Uuu... Komachi is so worried. What if he keeps doing this to every girl and so ends up never getting married?_

"So it would seem. Should I start serving the tea?"

"Ah yes!"

After struggling free from Yui-senpai's hug, Yukino-senpai brushed her beautiful long hair back and began to pour the tea while the rest of us waited eagerly.

"Here you go."

"Thanks!"

I happily took a sip from the tea cup handed to me, and my tiredness immediately disappeared. Yukino-senpai's domestic abilities were really high... I really wanted her as my onee-chan.

"...ahhhh. I feel alive again. This tea is the only thing that keeps me going after a long day of classes."

"Such an exaggeration..."

"No no, what Komachi-chan is saying is the truth. All I can think about in class is how I would soon get to drink Yukinon's tea!"

"Yuigahama-san. Pay attention in class." Yukino-senpai, who had returned to Yui-senpai's hug at some point, placed her hand on her forehead. "Or perhaps I should stop making this tea?"

"Nooooooooo! I will pay attention, I will pay attention! So don't stop!" Yui-senpai let out a cry and hugged Yukino-senpai tighter, and even started shaking her back and forth.

 _Uuu..._ Komachi didn't believe it at first when onii-chan told me it, but these two are really dangerously close. Yui-senpai really spent every single day hugging Yukino-senpai for the entire duration of club activities, and Yukino-senpai had given up on resisting. At this rate the two of them were going to go down a path that had no guys in it.

Even now, Yui-senpai was gently scratching the back of Yukino-senpai's head, while Yukino-senpai was making the same face that Kamakura made whenever I stroked it. **[2]**

 _Erm... there are other people still in this club room you know? Uuu... Komachi is so worried, so very worried... onii-chan has enough competition from the other guys as it is without having to also compete with Yuri-senpai!_ **[3]**

"Oh, a mail."

Yui-senpai let go of Yukino-senpai for a moment to open her cell phone. Then I felt my phone vibrate.

"Ah, I got one too."

Let's see...

"Oh! It's from onii-chan!"

* * *

[I have something to do, so I won't be at the service club today. Actually, I probably won't be back until tomorrow, so you will have to go home on your own.

Make sure to be very careful okay? I know that lately there haven't really been any incidents around this area, but you have become pretty beautiful after all, so onii-chan is worried that some poisonous insect might lose control and attack you. If possible, try to get one of the girls to walk you home.

I made sure that there was enough food in the fridge and that we weren't running out of anything, so you should be fine staying home by yourself. I also locked all the windows and doors before leaving the house today, so just make sure to lock the door behind you when you enter. ]

...

"Err... Komachi-chan?" "...Komachi-san?"

"...Ha! Onii-chan was being a hinedere again, so I just... uuu..." **[4]**

...I spaced out right in front of them just because of a mail from onii-chan. That was so embarrassing that I wanted to just hide under the table for the rest of the day. _And more like, worry about the girl walking me home too when she walks back alone! Why did onii-chan only show this much consideration for me?_

"Ahaha... well it seems that Hikki won't be coming today. I wonder what he's doing..."

Uuu... Yui-senpai kindly changed the topic for me. I could really feel her caring and considerate nature, so I really wanted her as my onee-chan.

"Hmm... well, he's probably helping Iroha-senpai again."

 _Actually wait... did he say he won't be back until tomorrow...?_

Aha! Could it be?

Kyaa! Iroha-senpai finally made her move! Komachi might really get an onee-chan today!

* * *

 _Ah, no good no good! I must not get ahead of myself._

It's that useless gomi-chan after all **[5]**. He has already passed up a number of events like this before, so I shouldn't count on it until I see a ring on his finger!

Until then, Komachi will keep trying her best to pair up more people with onii-chan! _Ah, that was definitely high in Komachi points!_

 _Hmm...?_ I suddenly noticed that the room was strangely silent.

Both Yui-senpai and Yukino-senpai were staring into space.

 _Oho! Could this reaction be...?_ I guess there is still hope for onii-chan with these two! I just need to raise a flag for him by making them conscious about it!

I smiled knowingly while staring at my two senpai. "Why is everyone so quiet?"

Yui-senpai started panicking. "Ah-ah! Err..."

"...ahem. It's nothing major. I was merely thinking that Isshiki-san should really learn to do things herself instead of depending on other people so much." Yukino-senpai calmly responded, but Komachi could tell that she was actually really bothered by it.

"Ah right right! I was thinking that too! Hikki has his own life as well, so Iroha-chan shouldn't bother him so much!"

 _Ehehe... they are thinking about it, they are thinking about it!_

Suddenly the door opened.

* * *

"Sennnnpaiii! I need-

... eh he's not here?"

 _Hmm...? Why was Iroha-senpai here?_

Yukino-senpai placed her hand on her forehead again. "Isshiki-san... knock before entering."

"Ah. Yukino-senpai, Yui-senpai, Komachi-chan, yahallo! So do any of you know where senpai is?"

"Eh? Wasn't onii-chan together with Iroha-senpai?"

Iroha-senpai pouted. "If he was together with me, why would I even bother to come here?"

Smiling slyly, she then continued. "Ah! I don't particularly mean anything by that okay?"

 _No no, your intentions are already obvious to everyone in this room Iroha-senpai. Only onii-chan was still dumb enough to fall for this pretense._

"Ahaha..." Yui-senpai made a wry smile in response.

"Well then, I'm going to go look for him. Bye!"

Saying that, Iroha-senpai left as suddenly as she arrived.

* * *

"Eh? Wait, if Hikki isn't together with Iroha-chan, then where did he go?"

 _Hmm... that's a good question..._

...

 _AHH! He ran away again didn't he?! That dummy, nincompoop, Hachiman! Why is he always running away from such beautiful girls? Komachi is never going to get an onee-chan at this rate!_

"Uuu... Komachi is so worried about onii-chan..."

Since they knew what onii-chan was like, my two senpai were silent and unable to comfort me. _Well, Iroha-senpai would probably catch him no matter where he ran, but still..._

My hand was then grabbed by someone sitting beside me.

"Don't worry Komachi-san. If it's onii-san, I'm sure he will be alright!"

 _Oh. Taishi-kun, you were here. You were so silent up until now that I had forgotten._

"Thank you." I smiled while taking my hand back. I know you wanted to comfort me, and at the same time appeal yourself. But you know Taishi-kun, I can't feel any sincerity behind that appeal when I keep catching you staring at Yui-senpai's chest whenever you think we aren't looking. _I know mine will never be that big okay?_ It's because you keep doing stuff like that, that's why you will always be just a friend.

If you really wanted to stare at people, at least learn to do it like onii-chan. He starts by making his already tiny eyes even smaller so it's harder to tell where he is looking. Then he puts in headphones so he looks like he is just staring into space while listening to music. Finally he slumps down on a table so his face is almost completely covered by his arms, and then uses only his peripheral vision to look at people.

Actually, that useless technique was so high-level that Komachi only knew about it because onii-chan asked me to let him practice it on me in exchange for ice cream. _Really, if he had time to practice something stupid like that he should be working on getting a girlfriend instead!_

So I sent Taishi-kun a glare that said "you are kinda in the way here, so just go back to being quiet okay?" Even if he was younger, I didn't need more guys hanging around the girls who could be onii-chan's future girlfriend. _If he messed things up here for onii-chan, I would never forgive him!_

Or rather, if he wanted to help me, he should continue trying to get his elder sister to go out with onii-chan! Those two haven't been talking at all lately, so Komachi is kinda starting to give up. Saki-senpai looks like she would be very compatible with onii-chan though, so I just wish something could happen to make them spend some time together...

My thoughts were interrupted by a shout from Yui-senpai. "Ah! Now that I think about it, Hikki was acting kinda strange earlier."

"Yuigahama-san, isn't Hikigaya-kun always acting strange?"

"Ahaha... that's true..." Yui-senpai nodded in response to Yukino-senpai's words, and then shook her head violently. "Wait no that's wrong! I mean, he was acting even weirder than normal!"

Yukino-senpai stared at her in disbelief. "Is... is that even possible?"

 _Uuu..._ onii-chan, Yukino-senpai's impression of you couldn't be any worse... and I can't find any words to refute her because she's right! Ahhh... Komachi feels so conflicted...

Yui-senpai continued without noticing my inner struggles. "Yeah! Before class this morning he suddenly started asking Hayato-kun for help while we were in the classroom."

"Hmm. That certainly does sound out of the ordinary for someone like Hikigaya-kun. So, what did he want from Hayama-kun?"

"That's the thing Yukinon, he didn't really say. He just started saying strange stuff like how he had awakened to his true nature, or how he was stuck between a rod and a hard place, or how-"

"Yuigahama-san. That is not correct. It should be 'between a rock and a hard place'. Please study more for the language classes."

 _Eh? Was it? I didn't know that..._

"Hmm...? I am quite sure I heard him say 'rod' though? ... well I guess I could have heard it wrong..."

"In any case, why didn't anyone ask him to clarify?"

"Right! That's the thing!" Yui-senpai jumped out of her chair and pointed. "Hina-chan suddenly started bleeding like crazy out of no where so we had to bring her to the infirmary. And then after that Hikki just said 'never mind' and stopped talking about it, even though he was still staring at Hayato-kun during the lessons...

I wanted to ask him afterwards, but he disappeared during the breaks, and he even ran out of the classroom the moment the last class ended. So I wanted to ask, do any of you know what that was about?"

Yukino-senpai shrugged. "This is the first I am hearing of this, and there is not enough information to make a reliable conclusion."

Hmm... I shrugged too. "Komachi doesn't know either! I haven't seen onii-chan at all today."

...

Huh? The conversation stopped. _Why were the two of them just staring at me?_

"Komachi-san... don't you ride to school on the back of Hikigaya-kun's bicycle every day?"

 _Eh? AHH! Oh shoot! I slipped up!_

Komachi has been going to school on her own lately because I was letting Iroha-senpai ride with onii-chan, but this was still a secret! I couldn't let these two know about that with this timing!

"Ah. Err... onii-chan overslept today so I went to school first on my own..."

"Hmm...? But Hikki was here early today though?"

 _Argh! Yui-senpai, why were you so unusually sharp only at times like this?_

Not good onii-chan, not good! Komachi might end up spilling the secret today...

* * *

 **[1] This footnote probably isn't needed, but "onii-chan" means elder brother, while "onee-chan" means elder sister (possibly sister-in-law).**

 **[2] Kamakura is the cat owned by the Hikigaya family.**

 **[3] "Yuri" is the female-only equivalent of BL.**

 **[4] "Hinedere" is the term coined by Komachi to describe 8man's strange way of displaying his affection. I would give examples, but 8man is really the only one... that was definitely high in Komachi points!**

 **[5] "Gomi" means trash, and is a pun on the "onii" in "onii-chan".**

* * *

 **Author's Note: A fun interlude chapter showing the antagonists? side of the story, because some parts may become relevant later. Don't worry, main heroine is still sakisaki.**

 **Anyway, I tried to change up my writing style a bit to reflect the different point of view, hope that went well. Thanks to that the references section is unusually small... in exchange, let's have another special section!**

* * *

Special section: The Grand Ahoge Theory!

Last chapter, I mentioned that the only love interest with an ahoge was Kawasaki. Some reviewers then informed me that Yukino has one too. However, her ahoge is weird, it randomly appears and disappears. And well, if we judge based on the end cards of S2, the only characters with ahoges are 8man, Saki, and Komachi. The closest other person is Hayama, whose hair actually looks like it's made entirely out of a huge bundle of ahoges... that damn riajuu...

...Anyway, that brings me to the Grand Ahoge Theory! The whole premise of Oregairu is that 8man, experienced loner, has his life thrown out of whack by Shizuka's whimsical decision to make him join the service club. Thanks to that, he starts meeting a whole bunch of people and stops being a true loner.

But what would life have been like if Shizuka didn't have that whim? Well...

-No interaction with Shizuka means 8man won't really get close to her.

-8man would never really have gotten involved with Yukino, since they live in different worlds.

-Since he isn't involved with Yukino, naturally Haruno doesn't meet him either.

-Yui would still be waiting to perfect her cookies before giving them to 8man, and since her anti-cooking skill is maxed, that would never happen.

-Totsuka might still hang out with 8man, but that's questionable, since without Yui introducing them, 8man would probably think Totsuka is just another girl and desperately avoid him.

-Rumi, Sagami, Meguri, and Iroha would be complete strangers since 8man only got to know them through the service club activities.

-Ebina and Miura, being part of Hayama's clique, wouldn't really interact with 8man at all.

-Orimoto might meet 8man once, causing him a traumatic memory (since Haruno wouldn't be there to "save" him), but then never again since 8man wouldn't be involved in any of the collaborations with Kaihin Sogo.

So pretty much all of the ships wouldn't exist... except ONE.

In the original world line, 8man would still end up meeting Saki, because her case was brought to him directly by Komachi and Taishi. I.e. In the original world line, 8man and Saki were probably fated to end up together! Kyaa!

Someone! Someone write that story now! Otherwise I will! (And I don't think I can write well enough to do it justice...)

* * *

As always, thanks for the reviews. Some responses:

The Chain Warden: The scary part is, dense 8man is actually canon. He has actually been saying some pretty heart-throbbing lines to her in the LNs without noticing it. I just took that up to eleven here XD.

That One Guest: Those 2 (+1) girls got the Hacchi Genuine~ instead. That move actually seems even more effective than Hayama Sparkle~, based on how it completely changed the 4 people (including 8man himself) who saw it first-hand.

BentShuriken, BigKokujin, jminator: Those actually sound like great endings. Bwahaha :D.

T.E. Bbz: Thanks, that tea pouring scene was one of my favorites. I got the idea for that from how much the anime was focusing on Yukino pouring tea in one of the early episodes. As for the Saki POV, I think it's more fun if we keep trying to guess her motives alongside 8man :p.

Lee Chua: That's how he remembers her in the LNs, so it couldn't be helped! The only other alternative was to wait until Taishi got home, so he could do his usual self-introduction: "It's Kawasaki Taishi!" Really, Taishi only exists to remind 8man what Saki's name is :(.


	9. Peace and Disquiet

Peace and Disquiet  


And thus Kawasaki left to take her bath, while I was left alone in the living room.

 _...alone in the living room._

 _...alone._

My lips curled into an evil smile as victory theme songs from various games began to play within my head. _At last, at the end of all the endless schemes and workarounds, alone time had been achieved!_

Ah... all those sacrifices I had made up until this point were finally justified! I attempted to reminisce about them, to honor the bravery and courage of my past self.

 _A-re? Why was there nothing? Eh? Eh? I couldn't remember anything at all... What the heck happened? Did... did something so traumatic occur that I couldn't remember a thing about it? Had my brain become permanently damaged at some point?  
_

...Oh well. If I included the elementary and middle school periods of my life, my memory already contained plenty of holes. It probably wasn't that important... _hopefully._

That said, one thing I could remember was that right now, the service club activities were underway, and I had failed to show up without giving any explanation beforehand. I felt a bit guilty about that, but it couldn't be helped since any advance notice could have led to my capture.

So there was no choice. It had to be done. _A man has needs after all!_

 _...That came out wrong. I meant the need for personal space and private time... not... those other needs. Not good, my thoughts were definitely being influenced by the faint sounds coming from the bathroom. This house desperately needs thicker walls with better soundproofing..._

In any case, there was no doubt that the service club would continue to operate smoothly even without my presence. It wasn't like I had much presence to begin with. If anything, I had so little presence that a more pressing concern was whether I would be completely forgotten instead, just like all those times in middle school...

No wait, Komachi was there to serve as a reminder, so that probably wouldn't happen. Not the mention the club president possessed memorization abilities that rivaled my own. So unless some unrealistic and statistically improbable development like an amnesia-causing car accident occurred, there was nothing to worry about... _probably._

Not good, if I kept thinking along those lines, I would end up wasting this precious alone time. Swiftly, I pushed those negative thoughts to the back of my mind and reached for my bag. In it was a light novel which I had been carrying around for months. Yet because my alone time had disappeared, my progress through the book had completely halted.

Nevertheless, memorization was my strong suit. Even though it has been such a long time since I last opened the book, I could still remember a good part of the story. _Yes... it was a sad story..._

* * *

Long, long ago, there was a high school boy who was forced to join a strange club with questionable club activities. In spite of this injustice, the boy was able to find a silver lining. In between the dubious jobs, the club often functioned as if it was an ordinary literature club. Thus the boy discovered that he could enjoy reading books within the tranquil atmosphere of the club room, and slowly grew accustomed to its less explicable activities.

Then, the boy made a horrible mistake, and his reading oasis disappeared.

It was a simple, honest mistake. The boy, who was tired of performing the club's shady activities, attempted to take a break. When the instigator for many of these shady tasks launched into another long, ridiculous proposal, the boy took out a book to read while hoping that the other club members would cover for him.

Then, while the boy was engrossed in the book, a sudden weight pressed down upon his shoulders. Turning his head around, he recognized the source of the weights. The person he had been ignoring was currently standing behind him, with her hands placed on his shoulders. She revealed a brilliant, yet demonic smile, while suppressing her anger and plotting a scheme to carry out her revenge.

"Seeeennnpaiiii. What are you reading?" said the little imp who was peering over his head to look at the book he was reading.

"N-No it's just a-" But before the boy could finish his sentence, the intensity of the smile upgraded from 1000-watts to 10000-watts, indicating that the little devil had completed her plans.

"Heehhhh... it looks very interesting... Ah! Let's all read this together!"

"Eh is it really that interesting? Let me see!" "Allow me to be the judge of that."

And thus the boy's nose was assaulted by various floral shampoos while he was encircled from the left, right, and back by three people with zero sense of personal space. The boy was utterly baffled. If these girls wanted to read so much, why couldn't they just bring one of their own books?

In fact, the boy remembered that the club president always brought her own books, yet even she was joining the allied forces in invading his territory. When he asked why she couldn't just read her own book, he received the following response: "As readers, we have a duty to occasionally read books outside of those we personally choose, even if they do not match our tastes. This helps to ensure that our worldviews do not become narrowed by our preferences."

Meanwhile, another club member had trouble reading some of the difficult words in the book, and thus asked the boy to start reading them out loud. Since the book was a generic harem story, reciting the lines of the protagonist in front of three girls caused the boy extreme amounts of embarrassment. Worst of all, it slowed down the reading speed of the group so much that the one person who remained standing became tired from all the waiting.

Now if this person had any sense of decency at all, she would have given up and sat down on her own seat. Unfortunately for the boy, she decided to take a different alternative. Without warning, she simply placed her head on top of his and proceeded to push her entire body weight onto his back, causing some strange glares to fly over his head while the boy involuntarily gained some extensive information about two moderately-sized objects that were pressing against the back of his head.

After that, the boy could no longer read anything in the club room. Even when there were no suspicious duties pending, the idea that the boy taking out a book equals group reading time had been firmly implanted in the heads of the other club members.

Seriously, the story was so scary, it should have been under the horror genre. Forget developing any subconscious infiltration devices and constructing a convoluted multi-layered dream, the demonic instigator could complete any inception mission with such ease that the whole story would be over in 5 minutes. **[1]**

Hoping to find out if the boy ever found salvation, I opened the light novel in my hand to the bookmarked page in order to continue reading.

...

 _Hmm...? That's weird..._

The story I was reading didn't match my memories. I couldn't recognize any of the characters in this chapter, and the setting seemed completely different. Even the atmosphere was completely lighthearted instead of dark. _What in the world was I remembering then?_

 _Ugh_ , the stress from recent events was definitely starting to have adverse effects on my mental health, my memories were getting all jumbled up. I could only hope that my stay over plan to gain some alone time and stress relief was not too late.

 _Sigh_. Guess there was no choice but to read the book from the start again.

* * *

A little while later, my reading was interrupted by the sounds of someone pacing around behind the living room door.

Since there were only two people in this house, the culprit was obvious. The question was the motive. _Why didn't she just come in?_

As the sounds of pacing continued to disrupt my reading, I started to get irritated. I closed the book and moved to open the door myself. From beyond the door, I could vaguely make out some of the words that the culprit was whispering.

"...what should I do, what should I do? Is this really okay? Isn't this too much? What if..."

 _What was this girl mumbling to herself about? Just open the door already..._

Ah! Was she perhaps still trying to be a gracious host and worried about the proper protocols to follow? _Mou... I already told her that she didn't need to, why was this girl so stubborn?_ **[2]**

I had a feeling that the next time I forgot her name, I would think it was Kawastubborn. But well, I suppose that in its own way, her determination was a pretty admirable trait. But in this case it was just getting in the way.

Absentmindedly, I reached for the door handle to let her in. But right as my fingers were about to touch the door handle, I received an inexplicable premonition of death and froze up. A single thought ran through my mind. _Was this really safe?!_ **[3]**

I didn't have a rational reason, but every cell in my body began screaming to get away from that door, promising terrible consequences if it was opened.

Zawa... zawa... za.. wa... **[4]**

While staring at the door as if it was Pandora's box, I struggled to find a logical explanation. Somehow, my subconscious had determined that a great danger lay beyond, and it was my turn to figure out why. **[5]**

Racking my brain for information, I soon recalled a text message that I received a long time ago from a certain poisonous insect.

[ ...Nee-chan usually leaves the bath without clothes, so it's a real pain. ]

At that time, Kawasaki herself had intercepted our text messages, but I later found out more. It turns out that this ex-delinquent girl who was so highly guarded at school, would completely let her guard down and become a scatterbrain whenever she returned to the safety of her own family.

In particular, when taking baths, she would regularly forget to check that the necessary items, such as soap, shampoo and clothes, were all in the bathroom. Thus she would often have to leave the bathroom without any clothes in order to go searching for those items.

 _...which meant that right now... behind this door was..._

 _AHHHH!_

I screamed silently inside my head while soundlessly scurrying away from the door and back to my seat. _Danger! That was so dangerous! I heard nothing and saw nothing! I see no evil and hear no evil!_

Somehow, I safely made it to my chair, but I continued to stare at the door in pure terror.

Perhaps, if I was a riajuu in some work of fiction, I would have opened that door, only to find a naked bishoujo who was desperately looking for some clothes or a bottle of shampoo. Then, after a cliche and comical bit of violence from a very embarrassed tsundere, the event would trigger a romance flag for the two of us to live happily ever after. **[6]**

But this was cruel, unforgiving reality. Rather than a romance flag, if I considered my current parameters, witnessing the naked body of this girl would be a death flag. Actually forget triggering any flags, the not-so-comical bit of violence itself would be the end. The chance of surviving it was zero.

And so I remained frozen in my seat, feigning ignorance while waiting for the danger to pass.

* * *

Eventually, the sound of pacing disappeared. I guess Kawasaki still retained enough wit to remember my existence, and thus did not attempt to search the living room for whatever she was looking for.

I heaved a sigh of relief. That was way too close. If not for that timely premonition, I would have died on the spot.

I had gotten too relaxed. I had forgotten, this wasn't the sanctuary of my bedroom from an age long past. This was a neutral territory... no, it was worse: no man's land. An area that my pursuers could not enter, yet was still fraught with danger. Staying here meant that I had to continue to keep my guard up, or face mortal peril.

A certain question I once asked came to mind.

"...Is Miura convenient for avoiding other girls or what?"

At that time, I had said those words half-jokingly in order to provoke a reaction from Hayama. But through some work of karma, I now found myself placed in a similar situation. After being painfully enlightened to the truth, I could no longer joke about it.

Isshiki-type attackers were just too aggressive. Even if you tried to avoid them or reject them, the onslaught never ended. The only way to achieve a temporary reprieve was to deploy a strong defender like Miura or Kawasaki to intercept them. However, keeping a defender around wasn't as easy as it looked. There was a high upkeep that had to be paid every turn. **[7]**

That said, there was one significant difference between our two situations. All of Hayama's issues were of the romantic nature, being chased by girls who were swooning over him and stringing Miura along in order to fend them off. In contrast, all of my issues were business-related, being chased by a customer with endless requests and calling in a favor from a previous client in order to avoid them.

 _Sigh. This world was so unfair._

Normally thinking about this injustice should have made my blood boil, but I was so exhausted that I only felt depression... and perhaps a hint of... _guilt?_

 _Hmm? Why was there guilt when thinking about this?_

That didn't make any sense. My subconscious must be working on overdrive today. Once more, I searched my memories for an explanation but found none. Maybe this was related to the recent hole in my memories? I might have unintentionally caused Miura to take some collateral damage from my stay over plan...

The pangs of guilt intensified as an image of a forlorn Miura left alone in the classroom without any of her girl friends flashed through my mind.

 _Uuu..._ I definitely did something bad.

But that was all the more reason why I needed to enjoy my alone time now, so that their sacrifices would not be in vain. And so I returned to reading my light novel.

* * *

After some more reading, the light novel finally turned dark... or at least, its pages did. Despite the darkness caused by the fading sunlight, the mood of the story was still overwhelmingly bright, with no sign in sight that it would ever match what I remembered earlier. _Weird._

I closed the light novel with a sense of satisfaction and nostalgia. For the first time in months, what ended my reading was a natural phenomenon. Then again, perhaps Hurricane Isshiki _should_ be considered a force of nature, considering how much chaos and destruction she left in her wake.

After a bit of yawning and stretching, I reached for my cell phone to check the time, but then remembered that I didn't have it. There was probably a clock in this house, but searching through the mass of photos didn't seem like a good idea. At any rate, the evening sunset outside the window suggested that at least a few hours had passed since Kawasaki left, but she had yet to return. As a result I managed to read in peace, but I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of unease.

Everything had been progressing far too smoothly. To put it plainly, the whole situation felt suspicious.

Normally, every plan I made, no matter how foolproof, always went wrong. It was almost as if the entire world was written by an amateur fan fiction author who enjoyed meta-humor too much and simply made improbable events happen in order to progress the plot in the direction he wanted, without bothering to consider anything about the laws of probability. _Well, thanks to that I did gain a lot of experience with improvisation and creating backup plans on the spot..._

But this time pretty much everything so far had gone well. Something had to be amiss. _Hmm... Kawasaki didn't drown in the bathroom did she?_

Worriedly, I opened the living room door to find the bathroom, but then I saw a note on the ground behind the door.

I bent down to read the note.

[ Gone to pick up Keika ]

Ah. That explains her long absence. Still, couldn't she have told me directly rather than leaving a note? No, I guess she realized that I didn't want to be disturbed, and thus quietly left this note. As expected of a fellow loner, our levels of consideration far surpassed the likes of all other sentient beings.

 _But wait, didn't that mean that currently, I was no longer by Kawasaki's side?_

My feelings of unease rapidly intensified by several orders of magnitude. _Not good not good not good!_

 _Without a defender I was wide open! Isshiki could come barging in at any moment and drag me off to the work camp!_

 _No wait, calm down me! Think!_ How would Isshiki even know that Kawasaki wasn't here? As long as Isshiki still thought that I was under Kawasaki's protection, this stay over plan would continue to work...

No actually... Kawasaki Keika's day care was at the community center that often worked with Sobu High's student council. Isshiki could easily get her hands on that information...

As if on cue, the auditory hallucinations started. The sounds of someone brazenly walking towards the Kawasaki household, rudely treating it as if it was their own home.

 _Ahhh... AHHH!_

I clutched my head and covered my ears with my hands to block out the sounds. But since they were auditory hallucinations, that obviously wouldn't... _work?_

Strangely, the sounds stopped as soon as my ears were covered.

Then I opened my ears and heard the sounds again.

...

 _The sounds were real!_

My feelings of panic rose to all new heights and I started hyperventilating.

Behind me, I heard the sound of the front door opening.

 _Please just be Kawasaki, please just be Kawasaki, please just be Kawasaki..._

"Oh Senpai! So this is where you were."

* * *

 **[1] Reference to Inception, a movie about a protagonist who has to plant an idea in someone's head without them realizing it. The mission is incredibly complicated, full of danger and spanning most of the movie, because it is supposedly ridiculously difficult to make someone believe that the planted idea is their own.**

 **[2] "Mou" is one of the Japanese equivalents for "Jeez", but with a more lighthearted connotation.**

 **[3] Not really an explicit reference, but this part was inspired by a certain scene in the Kaiji manga...**

 **[4] And here's the explicit reference, Zawa zawa is the sound effect from Kaiji.**

 **[5] In Greek mythology, Pandora's Box was the container for all the evils of the world.**

 **[6] "Bishoujo" means "beautiful girl", while "Tsundere" is a character trope for a person who acts very cold and mean to someone they actually like.**

 **[7] Reference to some old turn-based strategy/RPG games. I wonder if the new ones still have systems like these, I haven't played any in a while...  
**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Sorry for the long delay, in between work and post-anime depression :(, I didn't get a lot of time to think/write about this story.**

 **Although this is my longest chapter yet, not a lot actually happened huh? It was mainly just 8man trying to enjoy his alone time, showing that his plan was at least somewhat successful. I figured I should give him a small break and stop bullying him so much with my evil plot devices :(. A _small_ break. _Hehehe..._  
**

 **I have also come to realize that I've been missing out on the use of italics! I've tried to add them in (even in the previous chapters). Let me know if I'm using them wrongly, because I'm not entirely sure when they should be used.**

 **P.S. New story cover image! XD**

* * *

As usual, thanks for all the reviews. Some responses:

That particular Guest: Komachi would be so, so happy if that happened :p.

testamentKaiser: I'm going to hold off on responding to this for one more chapter, because I think it'll be more fitting with what I have planned XD.

FuurinjiSaiga: _I_ would be so, so happy if that happened XD.

bodischa/LightningDestroyer: Taishi is still an ordinary teenage boy who likes beautiful girls. In the words of 8man, he'll only awaken to the true path of Totsuka once he becomes a jaded high school student :P.

Judicar Deimos: I-I don't think I did anything that impressive-sounding though O_O? Also, thanks for sharing those observations about Kawasaki and 8man. Now that you mention it, Kawasaki is one of the few characters who's actually regularly surpassing 8man's expectations rather than failing to meet them. And although we don't get to see it, the reverse is probably also true: Kawasaki started off with a horrible impression of 8man, yet since then he just keeps looking better and better in her eyes, even in canon. It really shows how high their compatibility is.

* * *

 **Author's Note 2: Oh right, you can use the sun to tell time. *Smacks own forehead*. That's what I get for living in a basement. (Well no I don't really, but that just makes it sadder that I didn't remember the sun lol.) Thanks to Judicar Deimos for pointing that out.**


	10. Exterminators and Saints

**Warning: The following chapter may contain scenes of violence.  
**

Exterminators and Saints  


 _Noooooooooooooo! I am going to be worked!_ **[1]**

I could swear my heart stopped when I heard the word 'Senpai'. My brain was also on the verge of shutting down, but right before that, it managed to determine that the voice was male instead of female. Thank goodness my brain was so high-spec, otherwise I would have died from fear over nothing.

As the emergency signals to restart my heart flowed through the conduits of my nervous system, I turned around to identify the intruder. And rather than a certain flaxen devil, what I saw was a certain poisonous insect instead.

...

 _Was that on purpose? Was it? It was right? It definitely was._

All of my earlier panic rapidly transformed into pure fury while I stared at the lower lifeform who was foolishly sealing off his one and only escape route by locking the front door behind him.

"Senpai, why didn't you show up at the club? Everyone was so worried that they..."

The insect was still babbling on with meaningless drivel, but my brain had long ceased to listen his words.

* * *

Back in elementary school, I never understood why some of my classmates enjoyed burning ants with a magnifying glass. The whole idea just seemed so ridiculously cruel and pointless that I never attempted it. Well, not that any of them would have been willing to share the magnifying glass with me even if I had asked.

But now that I think about it, I may have been jumping to conclusions. After all, w _asn't it wrong to judge an activity before even trying it out personally?_

Certainly, the fact that I had never tried it yet still assumed it was a meaningless activity was nothing short of arrogance.

Pride was well known as one of the seven deadly sins for a reason. If I continued to let my arrogance run unchecked like that, there would definitely come a day that I would regret it.

As such, in order to avoid that disastrous future, my best course of action would be to correct that mistake as soon as possible. Heck, considering the opportunity presented here, I should really correct it immediately. _It was time to test whether torturing an insect was truly wrong..._

I slowly stomped my way towards the poisonous insect in the doorway while wishing that I had a stop sign in my hand to swing at him. " _Taaaaai-iiiiii-shiiiiiii_ - _kunn..._ " **[2]**

The poisonous insect, finally noticing the signs of its impending doom, backed up until he was pressed against the wall. "Eh? _Ehh_? What? What's going on? Did I do something?"

 _Yes! Yes you did! You have committed two heinous crimes against humani- ahem, I mean, my sanity!_

In ancient times, this would be the moment where I savagely clobbered the criminal to death with a club. Fortunately for him, this was the modern world, and I was a civilized man. I would at least give him a trial before execution.

In other words, now was the time to begin an inquisition appropriate for this heretic.

I started by filling in the clueless insect on the first charge. "Why are you brazenly walking around here like its your own home?"

 _Hurry up and plead guilty so I can burn you at stake already!_

But instead, the accused protested. "Ehh?! But this _is_ my home!"

Hmm? What nonsense was he spouting all of a sudden? Oh. Right. I guess this actually _was_ his home...

 _...Wait no! I couldn't just let him go like this. He had to pay for his sins!_

I shouted the first thing that popped into my head. "No it isn't! This house was bought by your parents, learn to respect it!"

"Huh? But I-... I wasn't..." The unfilial ingrate stared at me with a confused expression. "...I don't understand what you're asking me to do at all Senpai..."

Neither do I, but whatever! If I was being illogical, then that was also his fault! All of my current agitation was caused by the misleading actions of this unforgivable creature, so there was need for me to be reasonable!

"Walk. More. Quietly!"

And while I was at it, it was time to press charge number two. "Also, why are you calling me 'Senpai' all of a sudden?"

"Eh? That's because you told me that if you ever heard me say the words 'onii-san' again you would hit me..."

...

Hmm... now that he mentioned it, I do recall saying something like that...

 _..._

 _Huh... in the end, was he actually innocent?_

...

My anger dissipated somewhat.

Still, I couldn't allow him to continue calling me 'Senpai'. That word just wasn't good for my heart anymore.

"Well 'Senpai' is even worse, so don't say that word in front of me either."

"...But then what am I supposed to call you?"

I scratched my head apologetically and shrugged. "Can't you just call me 'Hikigaya-san' ?" **[3]**

Frankly, I was fine with anything as long as he didn't call me 'Senpai' or 'onii-san'. Pretty much everyone who talked to me got my name wrong and called me strange things like "Hikitani" or "Hikio" anyway, so by this point I really couldn't care less. Although, I really would rather not have to talk to him in the first place...

Then again, since I was the one staying over at his place, wasn't the fact that we were even having this conversation also my fault? _Hmm?_ That's w _eird... could it be that I was actually the one in the wrong here?_

Taishi tilted his head while he thought things through. "Huh? But isn't that also what I call... Ah wait no... I don't call her that anymore so..."

...

My ears twitched. All the surrounding words and sounds were filtered out. My brain simply honed in on the words 'don't call her that anymore' and swiftly processed the implications. As such, various onii-chan alarms immediately began to ring at full blast, drowning out any shred of guilt I might have felt over my earlier actions.

"H-Hohhh? I don't think I heard that correctly Taishi, care to tell me what you're calling Komachi now?"

All of my own problems were pushed to the back of my mind. Isshiki? Alone time? Who cares about something like that anymore? Komachi's safety was number one, and it seems that while I wasn't looking, this poisonous insect had somehow gotten dangerously close to Komachi.

It may be time to perform some pest control...

"Speak carefully Taishi, if you choose the wrong words, they could be your last."

 _Actually, I think I just heard him say 'onii-san' earlier, so it was okay to make good on my words and pummel him to death now right?_

I growled at him, daring him to speak. Ah, I should have brought my book with me, I am sure it would have made a lovely fixture for his backbone or maybe a nice accessory for his skull. Then if I found another copy of the book later, I could attach it to the other side of his skull, giving him a pair of strangely-shaped attennae fitting for an insect of his stature.

How regretful.

"C-Calm down. You're starting to have that murderous look in your eyes again, you know!?"

"Ha ha ha. What are you saying Taishi? It's not like I am really going to kill you, you know?" I mirrored his words with a friendly tone. Hearing that, the soon-to-be pile of ashes relaxed his guard while I nonchalantly wrapped one of my arms around his shoulders.

Now it was impossible for him to escape my wrath.

"Haven't you seen this situation in manga and anime before? In cases like this, no one actually gets beaten to death. **[4]** They just get punched so hard that the wound starts swelling in the past, or hurt so badly that even their ancestors can feel the damage-"

"That sounds even worse!"

"He he he. Let's see... in your case... If you give a bad answer, how about I hit you so hard that even the 'Kawasaki Taishi's in alternate universes start to disappear?" **[5]**

I could feel his shoulders flinch, indicating that it was a suitable punishment. "That's too scary even for a joke, onii-san!"

Hohh... this brat still thinks I'm joking... and he sure has some guts to continue calling me 'onii-san' even in this situation. I opened and clenched my fists a few times as I got ready to enforce capital punishment. Don't worry Komachi, onii-chan will protect you and get rid of this-

*Click*

My violent thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door being unlocked again.

Before I could react, Kawasaki Saki appeared from behind the opened door.

* * *

I had forgotten. This was the belly of the beast. The residence of an extremely scary former delinquent who loved her brother more than anything in the world.

And of course, the two of us unnaturally hanging around near the front door was enough to immediately trigger her various nee-chan alarms. **[6]**

"...what are you two doing?"

Danger! Danger! Danger!

No man's land was such a dreadful place to be in!

Under her suspicious glare, all of my anger instantly reverted back into terror, causing me to release Taishi and back off.

"N-Nothing! We're just having a man-to-man talk."

Yes... if one just looked at the facts, I had not actually performed any acts of violence yet. A lesser man than me would probably have beaten this insect half to death and gotten caught in the act. Fortunately, I had been raised in a civilized society by upstanding parents. Such murderous impulses had been delayed while I concocted a proper method of secretly disposing the bod- I mean, while I filled my heart with moral goodness to suppress them.

 _Scratch that, actually I was so intrinsically good, that I didn't have any violent thoughts at all! That's why, please stop staring at me like that, I'm about to wet myself in fear!_

"Yeah nee-chan, I was just talking with onii-san."

For some reason, Taishi collaborated my story, causing Kawasaki to relax her glare and saving me from soiled undies. No I guess he was also well aware that if Kawasaki went berserk here, the entire house would probably be razed to the ground.

"H-Hmm..."

Kawasaki alternated her gaze between me and Taishi. The world came to a standstill while the two of us smiled awkwardly, awaiting judgement.

 _Scary!_ Was she checking to see whether there were any signs of a fight? I could totally imagine her counting the number of hairs on Taishi's head, and if even a single one of them was missing, she would blow a fuse and feed me to the fishes. Judging from previous experience, Kawasaki's brother complex was probably strong enough to push her to murder me in the name of protecting Taishi. Such excessive love for her younger sibling was seriously creepy. Like seriously, I couldn't understand it at all.

...

I mean, it wasn't like I was even a real threat to Taishi, you know? After all, even though that cheeky brat just used the opportunity to call me 'onii-san' again, all while knowing that I couldn't hit him because Kawasaki was looking, my heart was so full of forgiveness that I just let it go. Sure I made a mental record of it, but the fact that I didn't immediately punch him was all the proof one needed to show my good-naturedness. Truly the level of my kindness was bordering on sainthood.

Yeah, as it turns out, I wasn't just some regular 'onii-san', I was 'saint onii-san'. **[7]**

Suddenly, I saw some movement on Kawasaki's back. My overactive imagination then predicted the future, filling my mind with images of Kowaisaki pulling out a claymore or a pair of nunchucks to beat me to death. Or maybe it would be both. Maybe she would grow 6 arms like Asura and simultaneously use multiple weapons to brutally destroy my body. **[8]**

 _Father, Mother, I am sorry but your son will be leaving this world before you. I hope that Komachi will learn from my mistakes and lead a happier life than I did. If possible, I would also have liked to have seen Totsuka smile one last time..._

Then I noticed that Kawasaki's two hands weren't anywhere near her back. So those movements couldn't have belonged to her.

Focusing my eyes, I quickly discovered the true owner. It was a strangely familiar-looking little girl, who up until now had somehow remained innocently asleep on the back of the death god, unaware of how close the situation had come to becoming a bloodbath.

No, actually, she was probably the sole reason the situation didn't end in a bloodbath. She was both physically and mentally holding Kawasaki back.

Rubbing her eyes sleepily as she woke up, Kawasaki Keika mumbled a single word that marked the end of the deadly standoff. "...Saa-chan?"

"Ah. Kei-chan, we are home!" Distracted by the cute little angel on her back, Kawasaki broke into a caring smile as she released Keika from her back and gently placed her on the ground. As a result, I too was also released from Kawasaki's mystic eyes of petrification, regaining my freedom of movement. **[9]**

Kawasaki Keika proceeded to look all over the place, confirming her surroundings while drawing the attention of the three teenagers with her various adorable movements. Then, when her gaze fell on me, she stopped and tilted her head.

Ah... I had been forgotten. She was probably wondering who the weird stranger in her home was. _*Sob*._

Well I guess it was obvious. Considering my low encounter rate with Kawasaki, the number of times I had even seen Keika could be counted on my fingers. One could objectively say that I was the strange one for remembering her. Ah, it wasn't like I was particularly memorizing her details okay? My memory just happened to be above average, that's all. Really!

"...Haa...chan?"

Ahhh it was no good... all the bad memories of being one-sidedly forgotten in elementary school were flooding back. All those disgusted stares from my classmates who thought I was a stranger they had never met before, all those t- EH?! S-She... she remembered me?

I was so flabbergasted at the fact that someone remembered me that I barely managed to stammer a response "O-Oh. Kei-chan, long time no see."

"Haa-chan!" Having confirmed my identity, the little girl turned into an energetic bundle of joy that rushed towards me and grabbed my sleeve. "You know, you know, Keika wants to show you something!"

* * *

 **[1] Normally, this line should be "I am going to be killed!" XD Luckily, this isn't a Yandere story.  
**

 **[2] Reference to "Durarara". Hachiman's line should be read in Heiwajima Shizuo's voice :p.**

 **[3] A short lesson on Japanese honorifics: "(Surname)-san" is the Japanese equivalent of "Mr (Surname)", but it is gender neutral and used a lot more often. Typically, "(Surname)-san" has to be used whenever you refer to a person who is either older than you, or the same age but female. Calling them by anything else is considered extremely rude, and is only allowed if you have a closer relationship. Hence Hachiman going ballistic when he hears that Taishi is no longer calling Komachi 'Hikigaya-san'.**

 **[4] Well, at least in those manga that aimed at younger audiences. Definitely not in One-Punch Man lol.**

 **[5] Taishi MIA in S2 Anime :(.**

 **[6] "nee-chan" is the female equivalent of "onii-chan". I.e. It means elder sister.**

 **[7] "Saint Onii-san" is a slice-of-life manga about Jesus and Buddha taking a vacation on Earth.**

 **[8] Asura is a supernatural being with multiple heads and arms. Appears in a lot of anime, most notably Zoro from One Piece. Something about having multiple arms to use multiple weapons at once appeals to Chuunis I guess XD.**

 **[9] Reference to Rider in Fate/Stay Night, which itself is a reference to the mythical creature Medusa, who has the supernatural ability to cause anyone who looks in her eyes to turn into stone.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: After the last chapter's cliffhanger, a few people guessed what I was going for, and some others got very excited to see Iroha... I did say she wasn't going to be the heroine. Your princess is in another story x_x. *Hides*  
**

 **Anyway, is the new story cover image working for anyone? It seems to randomly reset back to the author image (or not load at all), not sure how to fix that.  
**

 **Also, with slower updates and shorter chapters, you can tell I have run into a problem. The thing is, I have an ending that I really really _reaaaaally_ want to write (because I personally find it funny), but I have almost no events in between now and bedtime. And when I just write randomly, somehow 8man just keeps running into bad ends... the entire place is a minefield of bad ends x_X. (Mainly because of Taishi. He's totally getting in the way! Komachi will never forgive him!) So yeah, even this chapter had to be rewritten over and over. Here's part of an earlier draft for example.  
**

* * *

 **Deleted Scene**

...I opened and clenched my fists a few times as I got ready to enforce capital punishment. Don't worry Komachi, onii-chan will protect you and get rid of this-

"What are you doing to Taishi!?"

Turning to look behind me, I witnessed the terrifying delinquent riding her bicycle towards me at full speed. She was exuding an aura of wrath and glaring at me with extreme hostility. What had been Kawaiisaki earlier today had now returned to being Kowaisaki in all of her former delinquent glory. Her intensity was so strong that I could swear her hair was beginning to defy gravity.

This time I was really going to be killed! My life was going to come to an end all because this damn brocon had such unhealthy levels of affection for her brother that she was willing to commit murder to protect him. Ugh, seriously, people who were so overprotective of their younger siblings were just disgusting. I couldn't understand them at all.

Without bothering to properly park her bicycle, Kowaisaki threw it to the side when she got close and dashed towards us, looking ready to go Super-Saiyan at any moment.

Frankly, I should probably have resigned myself to my fate at that point, but a vision of Komachi crying over my coffin caused me to make a last ditch attempt at survival no matter how pointless it seemed. Hurriedly, I put some distance between myself and Taishi and stammered a random excuse.

"N-Nothing! We're just having a man-to-man talk."

"Yeah nee-chan, we are just talking."

For some reason, Taishi cooperated with me. I guess even he didn't want the surroundings to be completely obliterated by the vengeful god before us. As a result, Kawasaki came to a halt right before I entered her killing range.

Nevertheless, she continued to stare at us suspiciously. "Really?"

Both of us nodded frantically, causing Kawasaki to relax her glare. _Hmm... perhaps I would survive after all?_

But when we heaved a sigh of relief, Kawasaki suddenly pounced. While I was frozen in terror, she lifted up Taishi's shirt and began checking for signs of injury.

"Wha...? Nee-chan, what are you doing? N-Not in front of onii-san!"

 _Scary! Her thoroughness was terrifying!_

I was so thankful that I was a morally upright person. If I wasn't such a good person, I am sure I would have already attacked this poisonous insect, and the evidence from that act of violence would have sealed my fate. The fact that I still didn't move to strike him even though he continued to call me 'onii-san' could only be because my virtue was bordering on sainthood. Truly, I wasn't just some regular 'onii-san', I was 'saint onii-san'.

While thanking my parents for raising me to be such a model citizen, I suddenly noticed the presence of a fourth person. Amazingly, there was a little girl who was somehow remaining peacefully asleep throughout all of this chaos. And this was despite the fact that she was being carried on the back of the frenzied delinquent queen who currently tussling with her brother.

...

Just how were the children in the Kawasaki family raised!?

* * *

 **Author's Note 2: In this version, 8man confronted Taishi before he closed the front door, so Kawasaki managed to see a lot more of his threatening behavior. Some parts were funnier (I think?), but after that I couldn't see a way for 8man to reach a happy end (or even survive), so it was back to the drawing board x_x.  
**

* * *

As usual, thanks for all the reviews. Some responses:

bosdicha: I-It's not yandere! The worst thing that can happen is he gets caught and put to work, not death lol :p.

LightningDestroyer: Ahhh I wanna write the Hikki dream so badly, but that's only near the end :(.

Judicar Deimos: Parts of chapter 9 now have been rewritten. Admittedly the Jaws theme would have been awesome, but I couldn't see a good way to fit it in (having two different "auditory hallucinations" simultaneously would be pretty weird even for 8man).

GraveDigger123: O_O. No animals were or will be harmed in the making of this story x_x! Not even imaginary ones! The only thing getting tortured is Zaimokuza, who is probably being interrogated around this time for information on 8man's location, except Zaimokuza doesn't know it :(. Well, Chuuni claims he is human, but we aren't so sure...

BigKokujin: Your story suddenly became fluffy and intimate, so the non-conformist in me demanded I fill the void lol.

testamentKaiser: To be fair to the Yukinon of this fic, the timeline for this fic diverged from canon at the end of volume 9, so the whole dependence thing never happened. Hikki screwing up all over during Shizuka's Rampage and the aftermath probably would have broken all her illusions of him being someone she could depend on lol :(. Finally, it's not 'you', it's 'Kawasaki Taishi'! Wait no! That's not my name! ARGHH! *Disappears*


	11. Heroes and Plays

Heroes and Plays  


There are no heroes in reality.

A sentence that is a rather depressing fact to think about, yet I always get pumped up when I encounter it within a light novel. After all, such lines are almost always used as a buildup so the protagonist can proceed to make an awesome dramatic entrance and save the day. Many stories even extend the buildup by having the characters in despair go into long monologues, reminiscing about their childhoods and how their mothers used to be able to make everything better.

Of course, light novels can do this only because they are works of fiction. In reality, no plot-armored protagonist is going to jump in and punch out the bad guy responsible for all the problems plaguing the 20000 people that look like you **[1]**. Heck, even the part about mothers making everything better during childhood is a lie. Source: Me. To all mothers out there, even if you perceive your son's lack of friends as a problem, forcing the children of your own friends to hang out with him against their will tends to be very counter-productive.

So the sooner such delusions of heroism are discarded, the sooner one can become a jaded loner who can solve his own problems.

Granted, recent events involving the service club have opened my eyes to the practice of cooperation and mutualism as alternative methods for resolving problems, but so far my experiences with heroics were still confined to the fantasy realm.

Until today.

* * *

Perhaps in some other world, I would become the hero that saves Kawasaki Keika from a creepy lolicon **[2]**. But in this world, Kawasaki Keika was my hero.

Even though we had only seen each other a few times.

Even though she didn't owe me anything.

Even though I was up against a fearsome delinquent that could probably break every bone in my body in under five minutes.

Kawasaki Keika remembered me and with a heart that knew no fear, she had saved me from the jaws of death.

While Taishi intercepted Kawasaki and took her elsewhere, Keika led me away in a different direction. As her warm fingers entwined around my own, reassuring me that everything was going to be alright, my heart started to thump furiously. Her hands were neither strong nor rugged, but her sheer display of indifference to danger was so cool that I could feel my inner maiden awakening. I couldn't help but want to enshrine a pair of her used panties and worship it from today onwards **[3]**.

 _Wait... that wasn't very maiden-like was it?_

 _..._

Of course, my rational mind was well aware that Keika-sama **[4]** only knew no fear because the jaws of death belonged to her elder sister. Furthermore, rather than attempting a daring rescue operation, Keika-sama was simply trying to advance her own agenda, whatever it may be. Upon further logical analysis, it was also clear that this irregular heartbeat of mine was simply the fanfare for the triumphant return of the suspension bridge effect.

Thankfully, I wasn't a creepy lolicon. Otherwise I might be stuck seeing visions of a Kawaiisaki Mk. II superimposed on Keika-sama and wouldn't be able to appreciate her physical appearance in all of its actual glory.

* * *

Unfortunately, the world I lived in was not a light novel, so I was once again confronted with the cruel fact that light novel heroes did not exist in my life.

Hero Keika was certainly a hero. There was no question that in my darkest hour, she had swooped in and saved the day.

But she definitely wasn't a light novel hero. For one thing, even after rescuing the damsel in distress, she didn't spout any cool lines or catchphrases to capture my maiden heart. For another, although the two of us immediately became companions on her mysterious quest, she pretty much completely ignored me the entire way. Any concept of romance or love parameters were completely foreign to Hero Keika, and so my inner maiden ended up dying immediately after she was born.

Instead, Hero Keika was a traditional RPG hero **[5]**. Rescued companions would be forcibly recruited as tagalong party members that could not be interacted with, and these party members would be dragged along against their will to follow the hero on all her adventures. And much like an RPG hero, Hero Keika proceeded to ransack the houses of the villagers, searching every corner and opening every container in search of loot. Hero Keika even disposed of unwanted loot in the same manner as RPG heroes: by simply dropping them onto the ground.

Thus a long trail of random objects soon formed behind her as the search continued.

If this was actually an RPG world, those items would have been instantly and magically cleaned up by the same invisible janitors that prevented RPG dungeons from turning into landfills. However, this was a world where the laws of physics applied, and so before I noticed, the role of putting the dropped items back into their original containers had fallen onto me.

Among them, the multiple handmade soft toys confirmed a number of my suspicions at once.

1\. Kawasaki had extraordinary sewing skills.

2\. Kawasaki had an extreme sibling complex.

3\. The mastermind behind the narrowly averted fatal stabbing incident today was none other than the little creature in front of me.

I mused to myself about what laws could be used to convict a suspect this young, but such thoughts were immediately pushed out of my mind by the next item I picked up. It was an object that definitely did not exist in my own house.

The preliminary analysis of the object revealed that it had a black color.

My high-spec brain quickly formed a plausible conjecture about the true nature of the object, but being the methodical detective that I was, I had to conduct additional tests to confirm this hypothesis.

I rubbed my fingers over it slowly. It was comfortable and strangely exciting to the touch.

I moved the object closer to my nose to analyze the smell. It was giving off a pleasant and strangely familiar smell.

A part of me wanted to give it a taste test as well, but at that point my rational mind had decided that the evidence acquired so far was more than enough, so I stopped myself.

There was no need for further investigation. After all, this was actually an item I had seen before. In fact, I had even seen a copy of it just earlier today.

Hu. Hu. Hu... to think that my secret objective would have been accomplished this easily...

I spread open the black treasure in my hands and raised it over my head. _My... my precious..._ **[6]**

Relishing in its unrivaled glory, I slowly moved it downwards, towards my head, with motions that indicated every intent to wear it...

...

...and then threw it back into the open drawer from which it came.

 _THAT'S NOT IT!_

My mind snapped out of its daze in the nick of time.

 _Haa... haa... that was dangerous! What the heck was I about to do there!? I almost became an incurable pervert!_

It was all because of the forbidden object that had somehow made its way into my temporary possession. Said object was now sitting on top of its relatives, which thankfully had not been thrown out. If I had been subjected to a flock of flying panties I would definitely have heard my heart bell and lost it for real. **[7]**

 _Just what horrifying location have I been taken to!?_

Frantically, I tore my eyes away from the false hero and properly examined my surroundings.

A forbidden drawer full of wonderful forbidden fruits, positioned at the corner of the room.

A comfy-looking bed beside the drawer, positioned next to the wall.

A Sobu High School female uniform hanging from a hook on the same wall, above the bed.

Finally, the room was filled with a fragrant and familiar shampoo smell that I regularly encountered in class.

Humu. Putting together the evidence, there can only be one conclusion.

...

 _It's a trap!_ **[8]**

True to her role as the RPG Hero, Keika had dragged her unwilling party member, i.e. me, all the way to the lair of the demon king.

 _Was this her plan all along? Should I be calling her Keika the Schemer?_ **[9]** _Was her full name actually Kawasaki Keikaku Doori?!_ **[10]**

I turned my gaze back to Keika while filled with terror, only to discover that she was no longer there. I swiveled around and found her on the opposite side of the room. This side of the room had a somewhat symmetrical layout.

Another drawer positioned in the corner of the room, currently in the process of being ransacked.

Another smaller bed beside the drawer, positioned next to the wall.

But no high school uniform.

I heaved a sigh of relief. Since there were two beds, this must be a shared room for both Keika and Kawasaki. I was terrified of the consequences if Kawasaki found me trespassing in her room, but since I was invited in by the other resident of the room, there should be no problem. Hopefully.

There was still some sense of panic from being in an unrelated high school girl's room, but considering that there was also an unrelated high school girl living in my house, I had already grown accustomed to stimulation of that level. I would probably be fine as long as I didn't touch those forbidden treasures again...

"Found it!" Keika jumped up as she grabbed an item from the drawer, raised it into the air in a triumphant pose, and then shoved it into my hands.

I flinched for a moment, half expecting it to be another forbidden treasure, but of course it wasn't anything of the sort.

It was another handmade soft toy. Hmm... _was this doll supposed to be special in some way?_

Thinking that, I gave the soft toy a closer look. _Huh? Wasn't this a Pan-san doll?!_ **[11]**

No, that was wrong. The eyes of the soft toy certainly matched the eyes of a Pan-san doll, but the body was that of a human, not a panda. At least, it looked like a human. For some reason, the quality of this doll was a lot worse compared to the others I had seen along the way here, so I couldn't really be sure. In fact, something was probably wrong with the stuffing as well, since the doll was strangely hard and blocky instead of soft.

In any case, the main reason I figured that it was human was because the doll had black hair, and was wearing a black uniform. With that in mind, even if it wasn't human, it should at least be some kind of anthropomorphized character.

That said, there was something strangely familiar about the doll. In particular, the stray bit of thick black string sticking out from the top of the soft toy's head was bugging me. Yet I couldn't remember where I had seen it before, so after a while I gave up and sent Keika a look to ask her for the answer.

"That's Haa-chan!"

Oh. _Ohhh._

"Um, you see, Saa-chan has been teaching Keika how to sew," she said while looking at me with upturned eyes, nervously awaiting my judgment. So the one who made this doll was her huh?

To be honest, it was a little weird to learn that a doll had been made in my image without my knowledge. Even if it wasn't being used for commercial purposes, wasn't there some sort of intellectual property law being violated here? I would complain about privacy violations too, but my experiences have shown that no one has ever cared for or respected my privacy, so such complaints would be completely pointless.

Then again, I couldn't deny that I felt extremely flattered by the notion that anyone would want to do such a thing. Certainly no one before her had ever bothered. Even during the art classes of elementary school, when students were paired up to draw portraits of each other, whoever I paired up with always spent the whole class completely ignoring me. Then when it came to submission time they would simply hand in a messy dark blob and the teacher would accept it since he probably had no idea what I actually looked like in the first place.

But objectively speaking, the doll in my hands wasn't much better than the messy dark blobs.

Fortunately, I had learned something important about the grading systems of nursery schools: a large portion of the marks were actually based on an evaluation of the effort put into the assignment rather than the quality of the content itself. If I compared the doll with the messy blobs, the doll clearly had an A for effort, while the blobs had an F! In that sense, this doll made by Kawasaki Keika could be considered a masterpiece!

And so I delivered a summary of my _completely honest_ evaluation. "This is amazing. You did a very good job Kei-chan!"

"Ehehe..." Keika gave me a big smile that brightened up the entire room. Ah, that expression was so cute. It reminded me of Komachi when we were younger.

Back then, she was such a cute and innocent little toddler who wished for nothing more than her onii-chan's happiness.

Now she had grown to become a cute and manipulative high school student who wished for nothing more than her onii-chan's happiness.

 _Hmm...? Now that I think about it, I guess the important parts didn't really change huh?_ As expected, Komachi was the world's greatest little sister.

"You see, you see! Keika was worried that the eyes looked bad, but it actually looks correct!"

 _*Twitch*_

 _Why thank you, it's always nice to hear comments about my eyes..._

Unaware that my internal evaluation of her had just dropped a couple of notches, Keika gave another jump and ran off again. This time she was running back towards the first drawer she opened.

 _Wait! That was the forbidden drawer! ARGH!_

Rows of neatly arranged forbidden objects once again entered my vision, forcing me to shut my eyes and face the other direction. _What was she planning on doing?!_

Soon after, I heard the sound of the drawer being closed, and another object was shoved into my hand. Whereas the doll she had given me earlier was hard and rough to the touch, the new object was soft and smooth, so I didn't dare to open my eyes. _Just what had she given me?_

"Um, you see, Saa-chan made that, so Keika was trying to do it too."

 _Hmm...?_ Based on that explanation, the new object was probably a soft toy too. I opened my eyes and was relieved to see that it was indeed a soft toy. However, the difference in quality was tremendous. If Kawasaki Keika's work had ranked A for effort, then the ranking for Kawasaki Saki's work would need ranks in all aspects that were so high, even an SSS rating wouldn't suffice. If not for the difference in size, I would have suspected I was looking into a mirror.

I see... I did feel that Kawasaki had been staring at me suspiciously often recently... so all of that observation was for the purpose of constructing this replica huh?

... But was there a need to make it this realistic? I was also a little curious about why I was chosen as the model, but the continued tugs at my sleeve indicated that Keika had not received her fill of attention, so I had to push aside such thoughts for now.

It seems that while my eyes were closed, Keika had gathered up a number of other soft toys that were now sitting in her arms. A few of them I recognized as based on Keika, Taishi, and Kawasaki, but I didn't recognize any of the others. Seeing that she had gotten my attention, Keika proceeded to make her demand.

"Haa-chan, let's play House!"

* * *

 _Sigh..._ House. I remember this game.

Well, it was advertised as a game to children, but in reality this was a training exercise designed to make them willingly put on facades in the future.

While they were young they would act out the ideal high school students, the ideal working adults, and the ideal parents, all using the dolls as a substitute. Then when they grew older they would attempt to don the same facades and try to act out the same roles in person. If Youth was a fraud, then House was the bait used to recruit victims for the scam.

In hindsight, perhaps it was a good thing I had never been invited to play the game during my childhood. While my classmates pretended to be popular celebrities who would spend their days doing superficial popular activities, or rebellious teenagers who would spend their time doing reckless activities and overall being a menace to society, I alone stood by the side and pretended to be the air. The majestic, serene and graceful air that envelopes the entire world, and would remain forever pure and free, unaffected by the silly issues of humans and their social constraints. Then I learned about environmental destruction and air pollution and dropped that pretense as well.

As a result, I had grown up to become an upright and honest loner who didn't wear any of the facades of Youth.

Unfortunately, Keika looked like she would cry if I refused, and if she did, her elder sister would definitely make me cry as well. Thus I had no choice. I swallowed my pride and prepared myself to put on the facade of whatever character she wanted me to play.

Thus a doll was pushed into my hands, and the game began.

 _Focus. Focus._

 _I will now become the doll. Hikigaya Hachiman will now become the doll._

 _The doll was Hikigaya Hachiman, so Hikigaya Hachiman will now become Hikigaya Hachiman..._

 _I will become Hikigaya Hachiman..._

 _I am Hikigaya Hachiman... I am Hikigaya Hachiman..._

 _...waiiiiitt a minute. Wasn't something totally wrong here?!_

Belatedly, I came to the realization that the dolls me and Keika were holding were based on our very selves.

What was the meaning of this? Was there any point in pretending to be yourself?

Or was it that? Like when an actor becomes enough of a celebrity, he can be invited to play as himself in various movies? So in other words, we were now supposed to role play as ourselves like some kind of big shots?

Come to think of it, Taishi has always acted somewhat like a big shot... with his blatant disrespect for his upperclassmen like me and Zaimokuza... to think that this was the reason...

* * *

 **[1] Misaka wonders if anyone actually reads these footnotes as Misaka tells you that this is a reference to Toaru Kagaku no Railgun.**

 **[2] Once again an alternate world that exists on this very site!  
**

 **[3] Mushoku Tensei reference.**

 **[4] Another lesson in Japanese honorifics: "(name)-sama" is used whenever you refer to something you respect very highly.**

 **[5] RPG = Role-Playing Game. Those games like Zelda where you break into homes of villagers and loot them dry...**

 **[6] Reference to Lace of the Rings. No I mean Lord of the Lace. Wait that's wrong too. Damn it, you know what I mean!  
**

 **[7] Hmm...? How in _Heaven's_ name this a reference? I have no idea what you are talking about. This footnote must be the _lost property_ of some other paragraph...**

 **[8] Didn't really intend to make this Star Wars reference, but it was strangely fitting.  
**

 **[9] Reference to Katanagatari.**

 **[10] "Keikaku Doori" is a quote from the main character of Death Note. It's Japanese for "Just as planned".**

 **[11] Pan-san is that DestinyLand Panda character with the dead fish eyes that Yukino loves.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Not much to say for this chapter. Our heroine kinda disappeared from the story again :(, but she'll be back!  
**

 **On another note, that fic in footnote [2] has a plot that is pretty similar to this story... and since it was written first, I'm somewhat worried that this story is starting to look like a cheap knockoff childhood friend lol. Hau... *flings twintails about uselessly*.**

 **But that story is just a dinner, whereas mine is a complete stay over! Furthermore, there's an adult present in that story, while this one has no adult supervision. Guhehe...**

 **So to press my advantage, it's time to speed forward towards some special night time fun! Woohoo XD! Will still have to be safe for work though, so don't let your imaginations go too wild lol ;p.**

* * *

Once again, thanks for all the reviews. Some responses:

daytonanerd: Yes, there can only be one, and its Sakisaki! Hurr... Shipping Wars! Just kidding... Saki is more like a stealth submarine anyway considering how far under the radar she is for anime viewers ;p.

th3archivist: Well, if we go by the english fan translations of the LNs, 8man wasn't actually invited to that service club study group. He was there by complete coincidence, so it wouldn't really matter whether he was in the Service Club or not.

Many others: Not much of it appeared in this chapter, but I promise more story, more klutz kawaiisaki, and more misleading heart fluttering lines soon!


	12. Fate and Dreams

**Author's Note: I've kept you all waiting long enough. It's time for the return of the heroine!  
**

* * *

Fate and Dreams  


Finally, after what felt like an eternity of that incomprehensible game, we were interrupted by the sound of the bedroom door opening.

Turning my gaze towards the door, the first thing I saw was a plain beige apron. Perhaps because of how far outwards it was pushed by certain masses at the top, the bottom was left freely fluttering about as the wearer walked towards us.

My delusions took over for a moment, but after blinking, there were obviously clothes under the apron. But unlike the uniforms I was used to seeing under aprons during Home Economics classes, these were simple indoor clothes. Overall, the set of clothes gave off a warm and comfy atmosphere.

Yet despite the relaxing aura, I was anything but relaxed. My brain could not compute what I was seeing. For a brief moment, I considered the possibility that Kawasaki's mother had returned home. However, I had seen the photos of Kawasaki's mother and they didn't match the person before me. No, the person before me matched only one of the people in the Kawasaki household photos, and it was a person I had seen almost every day for the past year. But the difference between the image I had of her and what she currently looked like was so large that I was getting cognitive dissonance. I was sure that if Zaimokuza witnessed this sight, he would be wriggling about creepily while yelling something about "GAP MOE!" **[1]** , but for me the only thing I wanted to shout was "Who are you and what have you done with Kawasaki Saki?!"

Well, even if she was all warm and fluffy right now, the memories of her violent glares were still replaying in my mind, so I suppressed the urge to shout and redirected my mental energies towards answering the unasked question. Then again, the answer was simple when I thought about it. Kawasaki only put up her cold and aloof aura at school because she was a loner who didn't want to be bothered by the shenanigans of the masses. At home, there were no demented youths to avoid, and thus there was no need for such an aura. She had simply changed her equipment, replacing the cold aura with a warm one that was more suitable for dealing with her younger siblings.

In that regard, the way I behaved was pretty similar, with the main difference being that even while I was at school, my wonderful ideal of pacifism would continue to shine through my aloof aura. Thus my aura didn't scare everyone into submission like Kawasaki's, it simply disgusted them into avoidance.

As I reached my conclusion, Kawasaki announced the reason for her appearance.

"Sorry for the long wait, dinner is almost ready now, so you can-"

Letting out a little "yay!", Keika ran out of the room before Kawasaki could finish speaking, once again reminding me of how typical RPG Heroes would simply skip through all their dialogs with the villagers. In her haste, she had left without putting away the soft toys that were scattered all over the floor. But more importantly, she had also forgotten about her party member. I had been abandoned in the worst possible location.

I was now trapped in Kawasaki's bedroom, with Kawasaki blocking the entrance.

An awkward silence filled the room, as we both waited for the other to speak. In theory, the first person to speak would get the right to choose the topic of conversation, but that was only true if your conscience was clear. If you had any guilt, then talking about your crime may bring unnecessary focus to it if the other party was unaware. In contrast, choosing any other topic when the other party is aware simply makes you look unrepentant.

Thus starting the conversation was difficult. Luckily, there was a solution, one of our 108 loner skills:

Eye Conversation.

I started by sending her a variety of vague, apologetic but 'not-my-fault' glances, signalling something along the lines of: _I know I am in your bedroom, but I was dragged here by Keika, so I didn't have a choice! It wasn't on purpose!_

Meanwhile, Kawasaki responded with her own set of vague, embarrassed looks, presumably feeling apologetic about having me deal with Keika's inconsiderate behavior and about the earlier misunderstanding involving Taishi.

To which my response was a series of expressions to convey: _No no, you don't have to worry about that. I don't mind at all._

Especially since it wasn't actually a misunderstanding.

In turn, Kawasaki moved her gaze between me, the dolls, and the door, which was probably a suggestion that we should just head for dinner now and let her take care of this mess later.

Normally I would be honing in on the finer details of her expressions and the subtle nuances of her gestures, thus producing accurate subtitles in my mind for the sentences she really wanted to say. However, I did not have the luxury of doing so in the current situation. Not while I was desperately trying to avert my eyes from the forbidden drawer. Being in her bedroom was one thing, but touching her... _articles of clothing_ was another story. Under no circumstances must Kawasaki be allowed to detect any trace of certain events that had transpired earlier. That was information that she did not have a need to know!

Suddenly, Kawasaki let out a strange sound, ending our silent stalemate. _Not good! Had my sins been detected? Even after I opened a window and blew on my fingers to reduce the scent?_

I gazed at Kawasaki with fear, but to my relief, Kawasaki's gaze was focused elsewhere.

At the receiving end of her gaze was the Hachiman soft toy (Saa-chan version) that Keika had taken out earlier and left lying on the ground.

 _Oh right, I had been wondering about that._

Now that my brain had been freed from its babysitting duties, it cranked into overdrive to generate possible explanations.

Hypothesis One!

Don't girls in manga and anime often go to bed while hugging a plushy? That stereotype had to have some basis in reality. At the very least, I was fairly certain that Yukinoshita slept while surrounded by Pan-san dolls, while Komachi... well she had Kamakura to hug to sleep, so a plushy was unnecessary. **[2]** Then...

...Perhaps this Hachiman plushy was made in order for Kawasaki to hug it to sleep every night?

My face heated up a bit when I thought of that, but of course that was impossible.

Hypothesis Two!

A more likely theory.

...Perhaps this was actually a voodoo doll used to curse me every time I threatened Taishi?

 _*Gulp*_

No, no. The doll was in perfect condition. No holes that would suggest any nails had been hammered through it. So even if it was really a voodoo doll, it had not been used yet.

...

W-Well, if one viewed the situation objectively, these two possibilities were only products of my own delusions, with no real chance of occurring in reality. At least, I very much hoped the second one was. A far more likely explanation was that the doll was simply the result of a random whim.

* * *

One of the side effects of being a loner was the near complete avoidance of most of life's single-target events.

Recruiting club members?

Need volunteers for an event?

Choosing members for a team?

Looking for a boyfriend?

In most cases, the people doing the selection simply fail to notice the loner's existence. In fact, the same held true even for events that really should have selected everyone.

A teacher asking members of the class to read out sections of a book would skip over me.

A teacher sending an important notice to her class would forget to add my email to the list.

A teacher checking student attendance off her checklist would call out the names of students one by one to get them to announce their presence, yet she would never call out my name.

 _Actually how was that last one even possible? She was going through the list of students when calling out the names, and my name was definitely on that list!_

Regardless, the fact that loners avoid most of these single-target events meant that when they are finally subjected to one, they can't help but suspect some deeper reasoning behind it. A greater purpose at work. The optimist suspects the hand of fate or the call of destiny, whereas the realist suspects sinister ulterior motives. Yet most of the time, they would both be wrong.

No matter how low the probability of flipping 10 heads in a row, if enough people keep trying, it will eventually happen. Multiple times. Or so one of my math textbooks claimed. There was also a whole bunch of inexplicable formulas for determining how many people are needed and how often they need to try, but that didn't matter. The important thing was, in this world that was full of events, even loners would occasionally be selected by sheer random coincidence, without any real meaning behind it.

But even though the logical part of my mind understood that, I couldn't be satisfied by such an answer. My desire to ask for confirmation fought against my desire to avoid seeming petty, prolonging the silence. Plus, between the person who made a doll of the other, and the person who almost wore the other's... nevermind. There was no need to even ask the question, I was definitely far more guilty.

Fortunately, Kawasaki seemed to have deduced the question I wanted to ask, as she launched into explanation mode in a fluster.

"N-No! This-This is... I-It's not what it looks like! This is just- Umm...

Y-You know how I used to work at Angel Ladder right? Back then I couldn't be home as much... I didn't want Keika to be lonely so I made a doll of myself for her. Well thanks to you I don't work there anymore but...

Well... a while ago, Keika asked me to make some of my friends too, so I just... I mean..."

Her eyes were swimming around in panic and she wasn't making a lot of sense, but I got the rough idea.

"Ah it's fine. I don't mind. Actually, I understand completely."

"Is- Is that so..." Kawasaki said and then fell silent as we headed out towards the living room for dinner.

Yes... in fact I understood painfully well.

This was yet another side effect of being a loner: dealing with relatives who did not understand and would for some reason feel extreme sorrow whenever they heard about your lack of friends. Since normal people had difficulty believing in the concept of a happy loner, there was no choice but to give up and pick out random classmates in photos and pretend they are your friends.

However, there was a problem with this plan. Suspicious parents would then insist on inviting said classmates over to the house so that you can play together, at which point the lie would be exposed and their sorrow would just end up being multiplied tenfold.

Then again, I guess there wasn't anything to worry about in this case since the opponent was just an innocent child.

But wait, by that logic, wouldn't that mean we were actually friends? I was actually here in her house after all...

...

Somehow, that didn't feel right...

In the first place, how was friendship defined anyway? Could members of the opposite sex even be considered friends? Since I was a loner, I didn't have a lot of experiences I could use as a reference. The one time a girl had changed her relationship status with me to something she labeled as "friendship", all of our interactions completely stopped the next day.

Huh... if I used that as the basis, then surprisingly, I actually have billions of friends that I have never met before. _Man, I am so popular..._

* * *

While my head was still filled with such thoughts, I absentmindedly put a spoonful of the meal in front of me into my mouth.

Immediately, my tongue was greeted by an explosion of flavor. A jolt of electricity started from my mouth and flowed through my body, instantly driving out my bad memories and replacing them with a different set of memories.

A year ago, I had been forced to participate as a taste-tester in one of the Service Club's more inexplicable activities: a wife points showdown.

A plate of unidentified charcoal that had zero human points.

A restaurant-quality paella that was flawless, yet somewhat lacking.

A dish that could only be described as Yakiniku sauce. **[3]**

Compared to those dishes, what I was currently eating would have won the showdown by leaps and bounds. It wasn't that the taste was particularly great or anything. I certainly didn't feel like I was being tickled by angels or being courted by a suave macho man in a duck costume. **[4]**

No, if one evaluated the dishes objectively, then it was obvious that the dish made by the competition-obsessed Yukinoshita could never lose.

However, this dish had something special. It had an excessive level of sweetness no sane restaurant chef would ever serve. I guess Kawasaki must have heard from Yuigahama at some point about my extreme sweet tooth, because this dish was clearly catering to my tastes...

Looking more closely, I could see that the dishes each of us was eating actually had subtle differences. Each one was probably cooked in a slightly differently manner in order to cater to each individual's tastes.

Food that was made with the consumer in mind, wasn't that the most important thing?

So compared to Yukinoshita's and Hiratsuka-sensei's dishes which were cooked for the palates of the masses, and Yuigahama's dish that was concocted for the roots of plants, this dish that was prepared only for my tongue was overflowing with wife points. Well, in truth there had been one more dish made specifically for me during the wife points showdown, but it was automatically disqualified since Komachi wouldn't be getting married any time soon.

Plus, this dish actually had something that surpassed even what Komachi had cooked.

The saying about how the route to a man's heart was through his stomach could not be more correct.

My heart had been moved. At that point I decided.

No, everything had probably been decided since the moment I stepped foot in this household.

 _If this dish, overflowing with wife points, was not the call of destiny, then what was?!_

I wanted more. _Nay, I had to have more._

I had to do it.

I had to get in Kawasaki's good books.

I had to hang out with Kawasaki a lot more.

I had to eat much, much more of Kawasaki's cooking.

I needed to eat it every day.

 _Every day._

And in so doing, I would learn all her recipes and boost my own wife points!

In fact, what really clinched the deal for me was the ingredients. I didn't possess the God's Tongue so I couldn't be sure with just one bite, but every item on the table looked like an ingredient that regularly went on sale for dirt cheap prices. **[5]**

If I could figure out how to cook these dishes, then not only would my own wife points go up, my living expenses would also go down!

This was actually a problem that had been worrying me for a long time. If my cost of living was high, then my future wife might not be able to earn enough to support me. That would be bad news, because then I might have to work as well in order to support our family. At which point my fate as a corporate slave would be sealed. In contrast, if I could reduce our expenses, then a single income family was totally possible. Thus learning these low-cost recipes was absolutely vital for my house-husband goal. Meeting a master of frugality here had to be some sign from above!

Not wanting to miss the opportunity, I focused on my taste buds, trying my best to identify exactly how each dish was cooked. Unfortunately, due to all of the plant fertilizer I had been forced to swallow since last year, my sense of taste had been badly damaged, so the identification process was difficult to say the least.

To make matters worse, a certain poisonous insect was constantly making noises and distracting me.

"Hey onii-san."

 _Ignore... ignoree..._

"Onii-san!"

 _Shut it, I'm trying to focus here!_

I wanted to send him a hostile glare, but since Kawasaki was seated next to me, I restrained myself and closed my eyes instead. Even if I couldn't shut out the auditory distractions, I could still close off the visual ones. However, that response was apparently not enough for Kawasaki.

"Hey. Taishi is talking to you."

 _Oh. Was that so? He kept saying 'onii-san, onii-san', so I was sure he was talking to some ghost of an elder brother that he never had. Because I certainly was not and never will be his onii-san._

Still, after being prompted by Kawasaki, I couldn't continue to ignore him. In fact, it was best to pretend that I was not intentionally ignoring him in the first place.

"Ah. My bad, the food tasted so good that I wasn't listening. What did you say?"

Appeased by my response, Kawasaki turned her gaze away, while Taishi's gaze brightened considerably.

"Onii-san, have you decided on where you will be sleeping tonight?"

The cheeky brat was happily continuing to call me 'onii-san' as much as he wanted, since his scary nee-chan was seated beside me. Even if I tried to hit him, the distance between me and him was much larger than the distance between me and Kawasaki, so I would be obliterated by an attack from my flank while he got away completely unharmed _. But know this Taishi, just because I can't move now doesn't mean that I will simply forget this. You better watch your back later!_

"Ah, no. Not yet. I am okay with just sleeping on the couch though."

Actually that would be ideal. That way I could sneak into Taishi's room in the middle of the night and then teach him a painful lesson.

"In that case, onii-san, do you want to sleep in my room?"

Hmm... I probably can't deal any physical damage since that would leave traces for Kawasaki to find, but mental attacks should... _Eh? What did he just say?_

My confusion must have showed on my face, because Taishi continued.

"There is an empty bed in my room since my younger brother is on a school trip."

Ah. Now that he mentioned it, there had been another boy in those family photos plastered all over the walls of this household. But that was not what I was confused about. _Did he really not realize how much danger he was putting himself in by making this offer?_

"Ah, I will take you up on your offer then."

Ohhh tonight is going to be fun.

I couldn't actually kill him since the corpse would be clear evidence, but I could still harass him with mental attacks all night. Yes I... I will destroy his mind... and create it anew! **[6]** A new mind that will never get too close to Komachi!

"By the way, onii-san. Do you have any dreams for the future?"

 _Huh? Where did that come from all of a sudden?_

"O-Oi! Taishi!" Kawasaki must have felt it was a strange thing to ask as well because she interrupted for once. But I should probably answer anyway to be safe.

"Taishi. You're a high school student already yet you still have dreams?"

"Huh?"

Taishi stared at me as if I had said something strange, so I continued.

"Listen Taishi, a great teacher once said that high school students shouldn't have dreams, they should only have despairs..." **[7]**

Taishi gave me another puzzled look. "Eh? Did our school have a teacher like that?"

Ah, that was not good. He was probably going to end up thinking that Hiratsuka-sensei said that. It was really from a teacher in a manga though...

"Oi." This time Kawasaki interrupted me, while sending a meaningful glance at Keika. _R-Right... I guess I shouldn't be crushing dreams in front of little kids._

Now with his nee-chan's support, Taishi pressed onwards. "E-Even so onii-san! Surely you must have some right?"

Hmm... I scratched my head in thought. I don't think I possessed any ambitions grand enough to be called a dream for Taishi though?

Seeing that I was troubled, my little hero Keika once again offered her assistance. "You see, Keika's dream is to be a beautiful bride!"

Leading by example, Keika diverted the attention at the table and received grand praise for it. "That is a wonderful dream Kei-chan, I am sure you will become a very beautiful bride!"

 _Hohhh_. That was a surprisingly favorable response. I was half expecting the other members of the Kawasaki household to turn into bloodthirsty demons, ready to hunt down all of Keika's male friends.

But well, if the Kawasaki household is fine with that kind of dream, then I had one too. "In that case, my dream is to be a house-husband!"

Taishi let out a gasp of admiration. "Onii-san! As expected, onii-san is amazing! Hey nee-chan, you heard that right?"

Taishi sent Kawasaki a knowing look, but Kawasaki simply averted her gaze.

What was going on here?

Ah! Were they having some kind of inside joke? Like betting on what my response would be? In that case, Kawasaki had probably bet that a cynical guy like me had no dreams, so her reaction was understandable. There would probably be a penalty game for her later like buying ice cream for Taishi... at least that's what my penalty was whenever I played that game with Komachi using the few guests from our parents' social circles. Well, eventually our parents realized that I wasn't a son they could be proud enough to present to guests, so they stopped inviting people over.

Come to think of it, I hadn't played that game with Komachi in a long time...

A nostalgic feeling rose up in my chest, but it was completely trampled on by my hero's next words.

"Hmm? Then, does Haa-chan want to marry Keika?"

* * *

 **[1] "Gap Moe" is kinda hard to define. It basically means that there exists a large gap between two characteristics possessed by the same individual, and this gap makes the individual strangely cute.**

 **[2] Reminder that Pan-san is the Panda doll with the dead fish eyes, while Kamakura is the Hikigaya household cat.**

 **[3] Unfortunately I have never gotten a chance to actually taste this sauce, but I hear it's delicious. Sensei basically just made a plain dish and covered it with this sauce during the wife points showdown in Volume 7.5.  
**

 **[4] and [5] Shokugeki no Soma references. I originally wanted to write about beams shooting out of his mouth, but I couldn't remember what anime that was from, and I think the oregairu LNs might have actually used that reference already...**

 **[6] Code Geass reference, last? words of the 99th Emperor.**

 **[7] Reference to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Apologies for the long delay. The part about the dolls didn't quite pan out in the comedic way that I envisioned, but I hope that it at least got a few laughs. Another reason I wrapped it up quickly was because I was suffering from heroine withdrawal (bad pun here lol). Sakisaki has not gotten a proper appearance in months! The story isn't as fun without her, so I hereby declare that she shall appear in all non-interlude chapters from now on!  
**

 **P.S. This chapter was originally ridiculously long (by my standards anyway, sadly still shorter than what others are writing though). There was too much 'plot' crammed into it. Then while I was editing and correcting stuff, I came across the current last line and thought "Hey, doesn't this look like a fun place to stop? XD" Plus my story had kinda disappeared due to lack of updates, so it was probably about time for one... *whistles*.**

 **P.P.S. Just noticed: Even Orimoto has been added to the character choices on FFnet, yet Sakisaki still isn't there. D:**

 **Sore Naiwa! (Translation: Opposite of 'Preach it!')**

* * *

The usual thanks for all the reviews :). Some responses:

testamentKaiser: Strangely enough, I hadn't. Sheer random coincidence. I have now though :).

jminator: It will be okay, she has returned to us now. And she will never leave!

Writer-san: Glad you liked it. And yes, 8man really is dense in the LNs, mainly towards Saki, but even towards other characters like Shizuka and Iroha sometimes. It's not as bad as I'm making it here though :p.

Judicar Deimos: The mastermind issue wasn't anything that complicated. The knife incident was triggered by Saki slipping and falling because she stepped on a soft toy. 8man just realised who is the one responsible for all the soft toys thrown on the ground.

As for the logistical necessities, Komachi left the house first so she wasn't there to catch him. I figure that while Iroha is changing into her school uniform (even she wouldn't do it in front of him), 8man could use the chance to replace the contents of his schoolbag with whatever items he needs. Just needs to memorize the location of all the items in advance so he can grab them quickly. It would be discovered when Komachi and Iroha return home, but by then his plan is already underway :D.

BoredTodai: Wasn't there already a cuddle scene in chapter 6? lol XD. The seduction is going to be taken up a few more notches though...

* * *

Punitor567, BentShuriken, daytonanerd, Judicar Deimos, and many others who thought about the lack of voodoo dolls:

I actually had that in the story at one point, but then I thought to myself: Wait a minute, would most people actually know about voodoo? Or is it just something I know because of my own dark hi- I mean, because a friend of a friend described some of his internet forays into the occult? Apparently I was overthinking it lol.


	13. Chunnibyous and Choices

Chuunibyous and Choices  


If you have ever seen or read any works of fiction, a certain thought should have crossed your mind at least once.

 _Wouldn't it be nice to live in one of these fictional worlds?_

After all, living in those types of worlds means you will get to play with all kinds of amazing supernatural abilities and entities.

Which means you can skip out on all kinds of work.

Instantly clean the house with magic, move food from the kitchen to your mouth using telekinesis, travel to school via teleportation... the list of possibilities is endless. Not to mention, you will even get to hang out with aliens, time-travelers and ESPers! Just one would be enough, but you could get all three! **[1]**

And perhaps most importantly, many of these fictional worlds lack laws against polygamy, so you can even make your own harem!

With all of these benefits, only the biggest idiot in the world would think living in a fictional world wasn't fun. They would have to be thirty times more dense than a reality warper who never realized that the world was always bending to her will. **[2]**

But wait a minute. Let us think about this carefully for a moment. _Is that truly the case?_

Many of these fictional worlds may sound good on paper, but that might be because the authors writing them are simply glossing over or outright trying to avoid mentioning most of the nastier elements in the world. In truth, many of these worlds could actually be utterly terrifying. They could contain man-eating monsters that freely roam across the lands, powerful criminal organizations that commit terrorist acts with a frequency far surpassing that of reality, psychics with powers that place them above the law, and even cosmic entities with reality breaking powers but far too little love for humanity. The residents of such worlds would spend their entire lives being toyed around with by powers beyond their comprehension.

In other words, all of the fun and excitement from living in one of these worlds is really the same kind of excitement one would experience from crossing the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. Its true identity is the nonsensical sense of entertainment derived from performing suicidal actions yet surviving through them. Entertainment which has the obvious downside of putting your life at risk.

But perhaps worst of all, these fictional worlds often contain an enemy that outranks all others.

Harem protagonists.

For the unpopular boys who thought finding a girlfriend was hard enough in the real world, imagine having to compete with a guy who would automatically capture the heart of every girl who so much as gazes upon his figure. The lack of polygamy laws would actually be a bad thing for you, since the harem protagonist will end up getting together with every single girl. At best, you would become the unpopular friend of the protagonist, and spend the rest of your days alone, ending all of your sentences with "toliet seat cover". **[3]**

That said, there does exist one small consolation. Thanks to the laws of biology, any massive harem of this sort would be doomed to die out within a few generations, since the following inevitable inbreeding would result in severe genetic defects. Unless of course, this fantasy world has also mastered genetic engineering technologies, in which case you shall also be denied this small source of dark pleasure.

Thus, by process of elimination, the best world to live in is actually the real world. After all, it is the one world that we have spent our entire lives learning about, and is therefore far less likely to contain nasty surprises.

Indeed, the true wish of the reader is not to travel to a different world. It is something far simpler. Readers simply wish to become someone special like the main characters in those works of fiction. To develop supernatural powers that outshine everyone else, to gain plot armor that subverts every crisis, and to become the harem protagonist.

However, there exists an unfortunate group of people who have not understood this simple fact. Or perhaps in another sense, they have understood it better than anyone.

 _There is no need to travel to a different world, it is enough to become special in the world you are already in._

And so, rather than waiting for an otherworldly summons, these people have taken their fate into their own hands. Despite all the looks of scorn and disgust from their surroundings, they have continued to persevere, pouring their sweat and even more of their sweat into awakening their latent abilities and achieving their destiny. And finally, at the end of all their efforts, they would finally become special. An existence far removed from the normalcy of their peers.

They would become victims of chuunibyou. **[4]**

Admittedly, there was a point in my life when I was a part of this group. There was a time when I spent every day wearing strange costumes and drawing magic circles, trying out various methods of awakening my innate potential, and constructing countermeasures for other supernatural ability users when our inevitable battles of fate began.

But after years of devotion, the only abilities I developed were my 108 loner skills. That is not to say that these loner skills were meaningless. If anything, they have proven themselves to be extremely useful over the years. However, they possessed none of the flair and excitement my younger self desired. And so, I eventually decided to give up.

It is commonly said that winners never quit and quitters never win, but that is nothing more than a lie spread by winners to compliment themselves on a job well done while snubbing everyone else. No matter how I looked at it, it was better to quit than to become a Zaimokuza-like existence that never quits yet never wins.

* * *

But now, as a supernatural ability activated before my eyes, I began to regret that decision.

To make matters worse, the activated ability was an extremely high level one, an ability that guaranteed such curb stomping, no standard supernatural battle manga would ever pit the protagonist against it in the beginning.

It was the final boss class stand ability: Time Stop, Za Warudo! **[5]**

With Keika at the center, the sound waves radiating outward in a sphere from her throat caused the rest of us to freeze in place as soon as they reached our eardrums. Our hands which had been busy transporting pieces of food to our mouths stopped moving at once. It was as if the entire world had frozen except for Keika, who was now innocently looking at us with a puzzled expression on her face, wondering why we had all stopped moving.

Perhaps the me from that erased past would have developed a countermeasure for this ridiculous ability, but the current me possessed no such thing. And now it was too late for regrets. There was no choice but to come up with one on the spot!

Once again, my brain kicked into overdrive, analyzing the situation and devising escape routes.

Fortunately, no matter how terrifying the question "does Haa-chan want to marry Keika?" sounded, it was ultimately a simple yes or no question. Thus my brain only had to simulate two scenarios and pick the one where I survived.

* * *

I turned to my future wife and put on my biggest smile.

"Really? Thank you, I love ya Keika! I will definitely make you happy!"

In response, my adorable bride-to-be blushed and let out a cute "ehehe..." sound. Truthfully, she was still too young to be in my strike zone, but surely that would no longer matter in a few decades right? Besides, this could be the one and only proposal I would receive in my life, so wouldn't it be best to accept here?

"And so, please give us your blessings, Taishi-nii, Saki-nee!" **[6]**

With that line as the cue, Kawasaki and Taishi broke free from the time stop ability and started moving again. Truly an astounding success.

 _...Hm?_ But for some reason they were just shaking their shoulders instead of continuing to eat. _What's wrong my elder siblings-in-law? The food will get cold if you don't eat it fast you know?_

"...L-Like... like hell we will! Stay away from my Keika! Actually just die, you lolicon!" **[7]**

Before I could react, Kawasaki's strangely arousing yet deadly foot was already falling from the heavens, directly onto my head.

 _Gyaa!_

There was just enough time to scream that in my head, but not enough to actually scream it with my vocal cords before my connection to the world was terminated.

[ Bad End. ]

* * *

...

Well okay, the "yes" simulation didn't work.

But that much was obvious from the start. Why did I even waste my time simulating that?

That just left the "no" simulation...

* * *

I turned my head away from the fake hero who had put me in this terrible situation. _Marry you? Hah! As if that would ever happen!_

Raising my nose in the air, I refused to look at the little miscreant as I uttered my reply.

"Sorry, but you're not my type."

Keika let out a downhearted little "oh..." and returned to playing with her food.

It was a cruel rejection, but it couldn't be helped. It would be one thing if Keika was seriously confessing to me out of true love, but her current question was actually nothing more than a child suggesting a simple way to achieve our dreams without any understanding of the implications. She might be disappointed that her clever idea was rejected, but there wouldn't be any heartbreak, and she would probably forget about it as she grew older.

Thus this was the best way.

With the situation defused, I returned to enjoying the plate of food before me.

But then I noticed. The person sitting beside me had not resumed motion. I turned my head towards her, wondering what was wrong.

In response, Kawasaki let out a single word. "Just..."

I urged her to continue by repeating her word. "Just?"

"...Just what do you not like about my Keika!?"

Before I could react, Kawasaki's soft and warm hands had wrapped around a certain part of my body.

That body part being my neck.

Thus her hands formed a grip of death that lifted me off the ground.

 _Gyaa!  
_

Or so I wanted to scream, but my throat was being crushed so I couldn't. And thus the world faded to black without letting me utter a single word.

[ Bad End. ]

* * *

 _Oi! Isn't that weird? Why are both routes leading to my death?!_

 _What's with these unfair Absolute Choices?!_ **[8]** _Change the question! Change!_

Yet no matter how much I willed it in my head, the only thing that changed was a growing headache. The situation itself remained the same. And of course it did, this was reality after all, not some work of fiction where the author could just retcon previous unfavorable developments to fix plot holes and keep the protagonist alive. Ugh, now I truly wanted to go to another world.

Then again, if this situation continued, I would probably be sent to another world anyway. Via death that is, so it really wasn't the best time to be distracted.

 _Was there truly no way out?_

If answering the question led to my death, then perhaps I should just wait for someone else to interfere?

Grasping that slight hope, I focused on analyzing the actions of the other people in the room.

Sitting beside me, the temperature around Kawasaki was quickly dropping. Yet I could tell from the look in her eyes that her evaluation of me was dropping even faster, rapidly going from benefactor to poisonous insect.

Sitting across from me, Taishi was making an expression of despair, as if everything he knew about the world was falling apart. It was the same expression that I wanted to make, but I did not have the luxury to do so.

Clearly, waiting for either of them to save me was going to be a useless endeavor.

I needed a different solution...

...wait. If Keika was using her supernatural ability, then couldn't I counter with my own? The ultimate among my 108 loner skills, Stealth Hikki!

That's right... Stealth Hikki was the one power that I awakened through my years of chuunibyou. It was an ability that I had taken years to perfect, so it didn't have any silly defects like only being able to affect one target at a time! **[9]** Stealth Hikki just had the defect of not working on anyone who was looking for me...

...which meant it was useless! Since all eyes other than my own were focused on me, not a single person would be affected! So there was no way to use Stealth Hikki and escape.

In desperation, the creative side of my brain continued to spew out more nonsensical suggestions, but every last one was shot down by the logical side of my brain. Each and every one of them was useless!

Useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless! **[10]**

Before I knew it, a bunch of daggers were already flying my way. **[11]** By which I mean Kawasaki was totally glaring daggers at me.

As the number of daggers in suspended animation continued to rise, I was hit by a sudden feeling of deja vu.

This situation... _didn't something similar happen before?_

 _Yes... I believe it was..._

Hurriedly, I dug through my memories. Far far down, much further below my dark history. It was one of my earliest childhood traumas.

Back then, during one of our rare family dinners, Komachi brazenly professed her dreams of marrying her onii-chan. At that time, I had foolishly agreed with her, causing my parents, especially my father, to glare daggers at me in the same manner. Afterwards, I was given a series of stern lectures on the social taboos of incest over the next few months... lectures that for some reason, Komachi did not have to attend despite being the source of the incident.

But the important thing was... within those lectures, my father had taught me the countermeasures.

* * *

Granted, the situation this time wasn't exactly the same, especially since I wasn't a member of the Kawasaki household. But this was the best plan I had, and time was running out. If I wanted to live to see tomorrow, it was time to act.

"Thank you Keika, but Haa-chan prefers someone a little older, okay?"

While making sure to reject Keika as gently as possible, I sent Kawasaki a look full of meaning. It was the continuation of our eye conversation, and the message this time was something along the lines of: _See? I am not a poisonous insect lolicon trying to sink my fangs into Keika! And the reason for rejecting her is the perfectly healthy and safe reason of age, there isn't anything I dislike about her! That's why, you don't have to kill me, so please stop stabbing me with your eyes!_

Kawasaki began a short yell of "Wha-", and then stopped herself as she quickly realized my actions were within the acceptable range. She was probably already ready to kill me, and in fact her face was starting to turn red, presumably from all of her pent-up rage. Thus she instantly averted her gaze, safely discharging all of the accumulated daggers at the wall.

Meanwhile, Keika let out an obedient "okaayy" and returned to her meal. As expected, she wasn't particularly serious about her marriage proposal, it was just an innocent suggestion without any particular intent behind it.

Seeing that the main players had been successfully appeased, I internally heaved a sigh of relief and glanced at the one remaining person.

Once again, Taishi was making the expression that I wanted to make. Relief was written all over his face, as if everything in the world was back the way it should be. And mixed in with that relief was an increasing amount of admiration for the one that resolved the situation.

I wanted to express my relief and admire myself too, but I couldn't. Not everything was alright just yet. There was still one remaining... one poisonous insect trying to sink his fangs into someone's little sister...

But that too will soon be resolved. _I will be seeing you tonight, Taishi!_

* * *

 **[1] and [2] References to the anime movie "The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya". Both of these are quotes from Kyon's inner monologues, as he justifies to himself why he wants to live in a world full of such fantasy elements.**

 **[3] Reference to the anime and visual novel "Clannad". At one point, the harem protagonist Tomoya's friend Sunohara starts ending all of his sentences with "Toliet Seat Cover", under on Tomoya's instruction.**

 **[4] Once again, Chuunibyou is the painful syndrome that paints a dark history over your childhood. It triggers my traumas when explaining it, so just google it x_X!**

 **[5] Reference to the "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure" series. In one of the story arcs, the final boss Dio has the ability to stop time, which is activated by shouting "Za Warudo!" (which is the Japanese pronounciation of "The World").  
**

 **[6] Since Hachiman is marrying Keika, that would make Taishi his elder brother-in-law and Saki his elder sister-in-law. The pseudo-honorific "nii" means elder brother, while "nee" means elder sister, hence "Taishi-nii" and "Saki-nee".**

 **[7] "Lolicon" is somewhat close to but not exactly the same as "pedophile". Nevertheless, there's still enough overlap that you can usually use the two interchangably, and hence it has similar negative connotations for normal people. For many otakus on the other hand...**

 **[8] Reference to the "Noucome" anime. In that story, the protagonist is often forced to choose between a set of choices that all lead to bad things happening to him. Refusing to choose just leads to experiencing a terrible headache.**

 **[9] The supernatural ability of Tomori Nao from the anime "Charlotte", where every ability user has defective powers.**

 **[10] and [11] More references to** **"Jojo's Bizarre Adventure". "Useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless!" is Dio's battle cry. He also likes to throw daggers at people while time is stopped. The daggers stay in suspended animation until his ability ends, at which point all of them fly towards the person at once, making it pretty much impossible to block or dodge them all.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: So... so much Chuunibyou in this chapter. Where are my fingerless gloves?  
**

 **I had some fun doing a rebuttal to Kyon's monologue about wanting to live in a fantasy world, in a style I believe 8man would use. I am really basing this around his canon argument that between the Past, Present and Future, the Present is the best via process of elimination, since the past is full of regret while the future is full of anxiety. By the same logic, any world other than your own is likely to contain more unknowns, which causes anxiety. Thus the world you live in is the best XD.**

* * *

 _Thank you reviewers, I love ya! I will definitely make you happy!_

Or so I would like to promise, but my inner simulation is telling me that would lead to a bad end... weird.

Anyway, the usual responses:

Writer-san: It almost became insect vs insect! I wanted to throw a Terra Formars reference in, but sadly nothing really fits.

Someone Else Took My Name: O_O. Guess I better start updating more frequently then :P. The good news is, I have almost all of the plot planned out now. Just need to add in the fluff, twist the viewpoints, and raise the density :D.

BentShuriken: There is already a fanfic on this site with a lolicon 8man. So far he has manipulated Keika into agreeing to become his "special friend", and has even made her promise to keep it a secret from everyone else! (No updates in a while though, but then again I'm not one to talk I guess? XD)

daytonanerd: Fictional characters are like reverse of Schrodinger's cat. They start out in one state, either dead or alive, whichever the author chooses. But as the fandom seeks confirmation, AUs are born, and so the characters become both dead and alive XD.

I consume this story in every form I can get my hands on. LN. Manga. Anime. Forums. 4Komas. Doujins. Fanfics. Fanarts. Reddit. I can't get enough! Also, the LN is probably much better than anything I can write, so you should really read that if you get a chance lol. There's a lot of material in it that just isn't covered in the anime, especially sakisaki stuff.

illusion2438: Not as evil as what I have planned. *Does evil laugh with little finger on mouth*. And now that you mention it, my fics are seriously lacking in rumirumi. I don't think she has appeared even once O_O. Her circumstances are so far removed from 8man's that I can't see an easy way of bringing her in. Hm...

Judicar Deimos: Someone would stay up all night, while the other would enter a deep deep slumber XD.


	14. Interlude: Tricks and Treasures

**Warning: This chapter contains a dose of fan DISSERVICE at the end. If you have a good imagination, you may want to stop reading at the point when 8man is slamming his head on the wall, otherwise you may want to join him. These interlude chapters aren't essential to the overall plot, so you wouldn't be missing much.**

 **P.S. Apologies to Gossu, whose noble sacrifice led to the creation of this warning message.**

* * *

Interlude: Tricks and Treasures  


After the free food, Kawasaki offered me a free bath as well.

Alone of course.

Even though Yuigahama seemed to trigger them all the time with Yukinoshita, shared bathing flags were normally one of the rarest flags. Thus I held no delusions about one day entering a bath with Kawasaki.

That said, the situation was progressing in such a stereotypical pattern that I started to wonder...

If things continued in this manner, perhaps Kawasaki would later come by Taishi's room in the middle of the night. Then she would wake me up and announce "You have received your food and your bath, so now it is time to receive me!" **[1]**

These kinds of thoughts would have been fatal if not for my wealth of experience. I would have been kept awake all night, wondering whether and when the very welcome night attack would happen. Then, as natural as the sunrise, nothing would happen other than the sun rising. The only reward for my expectations would be utter disappointment and sleep deprivation. Which would in turn increase the likelihood that I would say something careless to Kawasaki and promptly get beaten to a pulp.

Fortunately, I already knew that Kawasaki was a hopeless brocon. Even if she came by Taishi's room in the middle of the night, the only person she would attack was Taishi.

Unfortunately, Kawasaki's attack on Taishi would also be a problem for me, since I too had plans to attack Taishi in the middle of the night.

Ideally, since we were both on the attacking side, we could form an allied coalition against Taishi to increase our odds of success. However, that was probably going to be impossible since our attacks had fundamentally different natures. Ultimately, the two predators would end up fighting each other while the prey got away.

Hmm...

...I should think of a countermeasure for that later.

For now, there was a more immediate problem to tackle.

Namely, the fact that I had no sleepwear.

* * *

Currently, I was squatting on the floor, conducting yet another search through my bag. And for the umpteenth time, my hands rummaged through the insides in vain, unable to detect any trace of the pajamas I had picked out last night. Apparently, I had forgotten to pack them.

In my defense, all of the necessary items for this escape plan had to be packed without alerting either Komachi or Isshiki. That meant that I had to quickly pack everything within the narrow window of time in the morning, after Komachi had left for school on her own and while Isshiki was changing into her school uniform. There really had not been enough time for me to properly check whether I had gotten everything.

But regardless of how airtight my defense was, an immaterial defensive barrier like that would not stop particles of light from reaching my naked body and bouncing off into the eyes of others. Thus I really needed to find something of a more physical nature.

Well, there was always the option of just continuing to wear my school uniform, but I was saving that as a last resort. After all, thanks to the trials of today, the uniform that was uncomfortable enough under normal conditions had been thoroughly soaked in both the hot sweat of biking and the cold sweat of fear.

The most obvious alternative would be the borrow clothes from the one other male in this house, Taishi. However, since he was still in the middle of puberty, his clothes were still a bit too small for me to fit into them.

Perhaps I should ask Kawasaki to lend me her parent's clothes? But considering how I had never even met her parents before, a request like this seemed a tad inappropriate...

For completeness, I guess there was also the option of wearing Kawasaki's clothes. Obviously, we had some differences in physique since we belonged to opposite genders, but our heights were roughly the same. Furthermore, while Kawasaki was reasonably slim and did not have shoulders as broad as mine, she did have a fairly large bust. Thus if she happened to possess any unisex sleepwear, they should be fairly loose. Perhaps just loose enough to fit my size.

However, since my life had considerably more value than comfortable sleepwear, that option was automatically out.

I was about to resign myself to wearing my school uniform when my hands stumbled upon a different alternative.

I pulled out a set of clothes from my bag.

It was my disguise outfit.

The backup among my backup plans.

In the unfortunate event that the stay over plan was terminated, I had no confidence that I would be able to escape from Isshiki's ever expanding information network. With that in mind, rather than focusing my efforts on finding a perfect hideout, it seemed more effective to construct a perfect disguise instead.

And what better disguise than these clothes that belonged to my father? Every inch of his wardrobe reeked of corporate slavery, so anyone who knew me would never ever expect me to willingly wear such a thing. I mean, even if it was for the sake of a disguise, there was no way the work-hating me had the necessary sense of aesthetics to even understand the rationale behind choosing each part of the outfit, much less come up with it myself.

Indeed, since I was a loner, it was only natural to assume that any clothes I wore had to be chosen by myself. Thus Isshiki would expect the designer behind whatever disguise I wore to be me, but in this case it would actually be my sister, Komachi! **[2]**

Furthermore, since Komachi was actually on Isshiki's side on this matter, she was the last person Isshiki would suspect. No matter how one looked at it, if I were to ask Komachi to come up with disguise for me in this situation, she would definitely just refuse. Such a request would only backfire and alert everyone to the fact that I was planning an escape. Thus, even though I clearly had plenty of motive, I appeared to have neither the means nor the opportunity! It was a scheme so elegant, I wanted to go around yelling "Where's the proof? Show me the proof I say!" **[3]**

Well, the truth was actually fairly straightforward.

It was but a simple time delay trick.

Last year, one of the service club's many inexplicable activities was to infiltrate a high-class bar, a place that was clearly off-limits for minors. Being required to break the law as part of club activities was ridiculous, but I had the feeling that any energy I put into complaining would only be absorbed and converted into more Alter power for Hiratsuka-sensei's fists. **[4]**

In any case, that meant that in order to gain entry, we needed disguises that made us look like adults. In particular, my disguise was one that had been carefully selected by Komachi.

Currently, my hands were holding the very same disguise from that time.

For better or worse, my body had not grown much since then, so the clothes still fit. Furthermore, since the clothes belonged to my father, a being who had mastered the art of Stealth Hikki to the point where he was never ever seen, their disappearance from his wardrobe was quite likely to remain completely unnoticed. Finally, while the older members of the service club like Yukinoshita and Yuigahama might remember this outfit, a newcomer like Isshiki had never seen it before, so there was a chance that I would escape recognition.

All I needed to do was to hide my distinguishing dead-fish eyes with a pair of sunglasses while I was awake, and with a sleeping eye mask while I slept.

Or so I tried to convince myself. If I thought about it realistically though, I had to admit that it was a flimsy plan at best. While having a disguise was certainly better than nothing, there was no guarantee that it would actually work. It wasn't like I could change the size of my body or the shape of my face, and hiding my eyes would also attract suspicion in itself. And although my trick would probably be difficult to unravel, Isshiki wasn't a mystery manga detective. She didn't need to go through the trouble of finding evidence or tranquilizing incompetent detectives. **[5]** She simply needed to suspect that it was me, and that would be the end.

Thus I was truly thankful that the stay over plan was continuing smoothly... with no sign that I would need this disguise outfit.

But now that I was thinking about it, there was no reason why the only people performing night attacks would be me and Kawasaki. It was entirely possible that while we slept, Isshiki would use the chance to sneak in and drag my unconscious body off to some work camp.

A scenario like that might have sounded like pure paranoia to a third party, but Isshiki performing night attacks was actually nothing new. As a matter of fact, I had already woken up in the middle of the night a few times, only to find Isshiki in my room with a sly surprised expression on her face. At which point she would somehow interpret my conscious state as having spare energy for work, and I would end up being forced to work on some inane task like filling up paperwork for some random student council event or other that she _apparently_ just remembered was due the next morning.

If that was the outcome when I woke up in time, I couldn't help but tremble in fear when thinking about what would have happened if I didn't. Thanks to that and my recurring nightmares of being put to more work by Isshiki, it had been a long time since I last slept soundly.

But I digress.

Now that I had become aware of a possible night attack from Isshiki, I began to wonder whether this disguise outfit should be used after all. If I wore it to sleep, then perhaps there was an infinitesimally small chance that I would be mistaken for one of Taishi's friends. That might buy me a few seconds to escape if the night attack really occurred.

Briefly, I worried about whether wearing this might give the Kawasaki family some strange ideas about me, but then I remembered that Kawasaki had actually seen me in this outfit before. As for Keika, she would probably just think that the weirdness of the outfit matched the weirdness of my name, so there were no problems there either.

Well... there was another member of the Kawasaki family present, but I didn't really care what Taishi thought.

If there was any downside, it was that the disguise was actually pretty uncomfortable to wear. However, since I wasn't entering a high-class bar this time, I figured I could just deal with it by leaving the top few buttons unbuttoned.

With that settled, I got up and began to walk.

Not towards the bath, but towards a basket of what I presumed was unwashed laundry.

* * *

Of course, I wasn't a member of the Kawasaki family, nor did I think I ever would be. Thus I was not brazen enough to get the Kawasakis to do my laundry. As such, the reason I approached the laundry basket was completely unrelated to my school uniform.

No, the reason I approached was because of something that was already in the basket. An item near the top that caught my interest while I was constructing my night attack plans.

Well to be perfectly honest, my eyes had been drawn to it since a while ago. That was because the item exhibited a certain... very familiar black and lacy texture.

Since there was no one else in the room, a novice might have immediately gone crazy over the unexpected treasure chest. However, I wasn't an incurable pervert who would lose all control just because of a pair of unwashed underwear. Admittedly, I did have a _perfectly healthy_ sense of adventure that was excited by such treasures, but I had already seen plenty of treasure in Kawasaki's room earlier. Thus my sense of adventure had already grown accustomed to this level of stimulation, and my sense of reason remained in control.

As much fun as it might have been to dive straight for the treasures and rub my hands all over them, my reason maintained that such actions would trigger a death flag. These treasures were all cursed. Any interaction with them could only spell trouble. Thus I had initially decided to repress my sense of adventure and ignore the basket.

Instead, I had redirected my attention inwards, focusing on organizing my thoughts.

After all, my school uniform wasn't the only thing that had suffered from the trials of today. Thanks to all of the unforeseen problems, my thoughts had been left in a jumbled-up mess. Leaving my thoughts in such a disorganized state would have posed a deadly risk to myself and everyone around me, so there had been an urgent need to get them in order.

And what better timing to do so than while I had the freedom and privacy offered by this room?

Although that had the side effect of allowing the black fabrics to linger within my field of vision, it was purely coincidental.

Yet while I was in the midst of my lengthy inner reflection, the part of my brain in charge of my sense of sight began to realize that something was odd. Simply put, the item I was gazing at was far too large. In terms of surface area, it had to be at least five times larger than any treasure I had seen before.

In other words, the item I had looking at all this time could not be one of the forbidden treasures. Consequently, my reason for ignoring it disappeared along with my sense of reason. Before I realized, my body had already made a beeline for the basket and picked up the item.

* * *

Thus I stumbled upon the One Piece. The item I had picked up was a treasure among treasures, a one-piece nightwear that truly deserved to be called the One Piece. **[6]** As I had previously observed from afar, it was black and lacy. Now that I was closer, I could also see that it was partially see-through, and had ridiculously high amounts of exposure. It was a type of clothing that was deceptively called a babydoll, despite the fact that it emitted endless amounts of adult charm. **[7]**

The fact that this item was near the top of the laundry basket meant that it had been worn very recently... Since Kawasaki's mother wasn't home, that could only mean this belonged to Kawasaki!

As my imagination began to automatically generate images of Kawasaki in this babydoll, I realized with horror that much like every other treasure in this household, this one-piece was cursed as well. Simply by picking it up, I had become afflicted by the charm status. It was a good thing I was a loner with no allies, otherwise I would have started attacking them. **[8]**

That said, the charm status was still effective in stopping me from moving. At this rate, I would be stuck here, staring at the one-piece for all eternity.

 _Come on Hachiman, snap out of it! This isn't anything special. You see Isshiki in lingerie all the time, so you should already be used to this!_

In my mind, the number of women in one-piece outfits making advances on me increased by one.

 _I... I..._

 _I'm going to become the harem king!_ **[9]**

 _Wait, no! Get ahold of yourself Hachiman, there is no way either of them have any interest in you!_

And before that, just because it was worn recently, doesn't mean that it has to belong to Kawasaki right? Aren't there other members of the Kawasaki household that are at home right now?

Like for example.

Keika!

 **THUD!**

Something criminal almost entered my mind, but I managed to push it out by slamming my head against the wall.

 _Am I an idiot? Do I want to go to prison that much?!_

I immediately heard a worried shout.

"Did something happen?!"

Kawasaki sounded like she was already on the way here, ready to burst into the room at any moment, so I quickly shouted back.

"N-No! Don't worry, nothing happened!"

 _Oh my gosh, I had forgotten how thin the walls of this house are!  
_

It was a good thing I hadn't leaked any word of my delusions into reality, but that might not hold true for long. I had to let go of this one-piece right now!

Wait! Come to think of it, wasn't there another member of the Kawasaki household here?

 _Yeah! This one-piece definitely belongs to Taishi!_

Ah.

 _..._

My delusions shorted out, and the one-piece fell back into the basket without any resistance.

* * *

 **[1] A common pattern in anime: whenever a husband comes home from work, the wife would ask "Do you want food? A bath? Or perhaps me?" Incidentally, the husband should respond with "I'll have you for dinner in the bath!" Source: Monster Musume.**

 **[2] Getting the last of the Jojo references out of my system. There's a whole meme out there involving "You expected X, but it was me, Dio!"**

 **[3] In mystery mangas, this is an extremely cliche line spouted by a criminal whenever he or she is extremely confident that the detective will never unravel the trick. If anyone says this, you can be 100% certain he or she is the criminal. Yukino-certified.**

 **[4] Scryed anime reference, which is fitting because Hiratsuka likes naming her punches after the attack moves of the Scryed characters. One of the main character's abilities is that his fists can absorb power to become even stronger.  
**

 **[5] Reference to the Detective Conan anime/manga. In this story, Conan has the body of a child, so no one believes him whenever he explains how the crimes were performed. Instead, he almost always has to find and tranquilize some other detective on the scene, and then impersonate the detective's voice to deliver the deduction.**

 **[6] Reference to the One Piece anime/manga. In this story, there is a legendary treasure called the "One Piece", that all pirates are aiming to find. Sadly, it probably isn't a one-piece outfit, since it's not that kind of story. (Then again, the fanservice has been increasing lately...)  
**

 **[7] If you're wondering what this outfit is supposed to look like, search for the character Lieselotte Sherlock from the Trinity Seven anime. She's usually wearing one of these.**

 **[8] More RPG references. Charm status afflictions usually cause characters to attack their own party members. If there are no party members, then the character usually just stops moving.**

 **[9] More One Piece references. The catchphrase of the main character Luffy is "I'm going to become the pirate king!" Some reviewers have also reminded me that becoming a Harem King is the goal of a certain ecchi anime protagonist. I wouldn't know. Everything is _totally_ safe for work here. _Totally. XD_  
**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Since my delusions were running wild, I added a chapter about 8man's delusions running wild. It was supposed to be a short and quick breather chapter before I get into the obligatory drama chapter, yet I ended up getting stuck a few times while writing this. And yes, the obligatory drama chapter is coming up either next chapter or the following one, since it seems like no Oregairu fanfic is complete without one these days. I mean, I suppose I could skip it but...**

 ***Insert long unsaid monologue about the cost-benefit analysis***

 ** _...I need it._  
**

 **I apologize in advance if the drama turns out to feel OOC or cringeworthy, but it'll be limited to one chapter. After that the story will go back to comedy, so bear with me. *Claps hands together and starts winking annoyingly like Tobe.***

 **P.S. The last time I published a chapter, the fanfiction traffic stats stopped working. This time, the fanfiction 503 errors started. Perhaps my chapters are cursed items as well? *Not so subtly implies that they are treasures XD*  
**

* * *

My thanks to people who took the time to read/review this story, especially now that there's so many active oregairu fanfics to choose from. (I'm actually falling behind on reading a lot of them!) Here's some responses:

FoxboroSalts: A large number of Kawasaki scenes were skipped over by the anime, so that's probably why she's being treated as a minor character :(. I mean S2 even deleted her brother Taishi altogether. I don't think he even has a character design. She appears a lot in the LNs though, and even has her own route in the game, (which I sadly have not found an english translation for...)

Judicar Deimos: I think rather than objecting, 8man would be too busy asking Totsuka and Komachi to let him join in lol XD. It might develop into one of the most confusing love triangles ever...

I want more Kawasaki lines too, but I'm finding it hard to add them without bursting the bubble of misunderstanding between 8man and sakisaki. I still have quite a number of comedy bits revolving around that mechanic, so I can't let it break yet. I'll keep thinking of more ways to add these sakisaki moments though.

Someone Else Took My Name: I tried to update faster, yet my speed ended up the same :(. And with the end of summer it's probably going to get slower, sorry! So as some consolation, this chapter was made full of delusions about Saki AND Iroha XD ... and Keika =X... and Taishi x_X. Brb getting soap for my brain.

BentShuriken: Hahaha I totally am. And it's about to get much worse lol.


	15. Advantages of Terrain

**Author's Note: Drama postponed to next chapter.  
**

* * *

Advantages of Terrain  


Conflict.

The inevitable result of all human interaction.

Being born and raised on the peaceful island nation of Japan, I had the virtues of pacifism hammered into my brain from an early age. So perhaps it was only natural that by the time I was old enough to gain self-awareness, I was already an excellent member of society, one who did his part in reducing conflicts by avoiding social interactions whenever possible.

Of course, as I grew older, I began to question what I was told and doubt what I was taught. No matter how I looked at it, the notion that all conflict could be resolved through non-violent methods seemed hopelessly naive and foolishly optimistic. And as my cynicism grew, it started to sound more and more like an unrealistic ideal, perpetuated as a means of self-protection only by those wishing to avoid having violence thrust upon them.

Nevertheless, there was a good reason why I had remained a pacifist to this day. It was because I held the wiser, more realistic belief that violence was rarely an effective solution. Unlike the questionable ideal I was taught, this belief was one which had been thoroughly grounded in reality, alongside my own body, courtesy of Hiratsuka-sensei's fists. Throughout all of that, not once had I been motivated to correct my behavior.

Thus, despite the various fantasies I had today about becoming a pest control worker, I had not really intended to do anything to Taishi during this stay over. After all, I was against the very concept of work, and if I actually tried to do anything, I would then have to worry about Kawasaki, and Kawasaki, and Kawasaki.

But now that Taishi had so kindly served himself up on a platter for me, wouldn't it be far too rude of me if I did not do anything?

 _It would be right?_

* * *

"Puhaaa!"

I splashed about whimsically in the bath.

Naturally, I was still alone. The younger me would have been unsatisfied, continuing to delude himself with dreams of shared bathing.

To some extent, I could still understand his feelings. After all, having a girl wash your back meant you didn't need to wash it yourself. It saved energy at no cost, truly economical. And it was doubly impressive if the girl accomplished it without using her hands.

However, that would defeat the whole purpose of a bath. The bathroom was the one place in the world where you were truly alone. It was a sanctuary, a fortress of solitude **[1]** , the only place where you could relax in peace and not have to worry about other people. Thanks to the miraculous concept called privacy, no one else could enter while you were using it. Thus the very idea of social interactions in a bathroom was heresy... or so I kept trying to convince the freeloading menace who regularly pounded on the Hikigaya household's bathroom door, threatening to barge in with the paperwork if I continued to slack off in there.

But this was the Kawasaki household. There was no threat of Isshiki here, so I could bath as long as I wanted. Just realizing this fact filled me with such vigor, that if the bathtub had been just a little bit larger, I would have started swimming around in it like a child. Since I couldn't, I settled for splashing about instead.

It would be embarrassing if I was seen behaving so childishly, but once again, I was completely alone. Truly, being isolated from the world was such bliss.

If I had any complaints, it would be that this bath didn't have the scent of Komachi that I was so used to bathing in. Then again, that was a good thing. If there was anything like that that might suggest Komachi had experienced a shared bathing event with Taishi, I would have to replace the bathroom's scent with the scent of Taishi's innards.

Of course, I couldn't just relax in here forever. The Kawasakis would start wondering why I was taking so long, and more importantly, there were still some things I needed to do before I could do battle with Taishi. Although sleeping in the same room as Taishi looked like a golden opportunity at first, I couldn't forget that the battlefield was still located within the Kawasaki household.

If we were anywhere else, I would have been confident in my victory. After all, Taishi was a mere insect with no redeeming traits whatsoever. There was no reason to suspect he even had any chance of escape.

But within the walls of this house, Taishi had come to possess something of great value through no merit of his own. That was the years of experience in living here, achieved only because the Kawasakis were too poor to afford insecticide. By now, Taishi probably knew the layout of the house like the back of his feelers.

While it might seem like a silly thing to worry about, underestimating the advantage of terrain was what led to the downfall of countless armies throughout history. Especially for plans meant to be carried out in complete darkness, which was exactly the case here since turning on the lights would risk alerting the residents of the Kawasaki household to my scheme.

Under such conditions, I who lacked a thorough knowledge of the area would not be able to move freely. In contrast, there was a good chance that Taishi could still find his way around and escape to Kawasaki's room the moment he sensed any danger.

Thus, it was imperative that I find something... an extra something that would pave the way to victory.

...

Well, I could think about that later.

Thanks to a heinous psychological trap that was placed near the bathroom entrance, I really didn't want to think about Taishi at the moment. A certain image was still floating about in my mind, threatening to transform the contents of my bathwater into something that more closely resembled the contents of my stomach if I continued to think about him. Thus I pushed those thoughts aside and focused on enjoying my bath instead.

* * *

For better or worse, I ended up losing track of time in the bath. By the time I finished and returned to the living room, Taishi and Keika were no longer around. The only one remaining was Kawasaki, who was currently sitting at the table with her schoolbag open in front of her.

 _Was she doing her homework? But I don't recall there being anything though?_

I started to get very worried.

 _Had I perhaps forgotten about some assignment?_

If it was something like math or science I would still be okay. Those subjects weren't necessary for my future, and had teachers who consistently forgot my very existence. But if what I had forgotten to do was a modern japanese assignment, there was a good chance I would receive another unnecessary reminder about the virtues of pacifism. With various painful scars still filling my memories and covering my stomach, I moved forward to take a closer look at what Kawasaki was engrossed in reading.

Much to my relief, rather than an assignment or a textbook, Kawasaki turned out to be holding a fashion magazine instead.

[What does it mean when your-] [-the night?]

Some parts of the title were blocked by Kawasaki's body, so I couldn't really make out what the article was about.

Well, it really didn't matter. As long as it wasn't related to a modern japanese assignment, I could rest easy.

Although... I was somewhat surprised that Kawasaki was reading something as silly as a fashion magazine... I didn't think she was the type who would-

No wait... This was probably because of the existence known as Ebina Hina.

When I thought about it, hanging out together with Ebina within the popular girl clique probably wasn't as easy as it looked. Even if Kawasaki herself had no interest in those superficial things, the latest fashion trends would always be a hot topic of discussion between the other members of the top caste. So unless she herself read fashion magazines regularly, there was no way she could understand what they were talking about, much less communicate with them.

Just imagining the amount of effort she had to put in in order to maintain those relationships was enough to make me feel tired. And glad that I wasn't part of any popular clique. But I guess putting in that effort showed how much Kawasaki treasured her current friendship with Ebina...

...

Wanting to make my presence known, I let out a small cough and called out to Kawasaki.

"Hey, I am done with my bath."

Hearing a sudden voice from right behind her, Kawasaki let out a small shriek and jumped out of her seat. It seemed that the situation would become a repeat of what happened earlier in the day, but apparently Kawasaki had learned from her mistake. By skillfully restraining and redirecting her kinetic energy, she narrowly avoided hitting the table with her thighs, and sent the magazine flying into the depths of her schoolbag rather than into open space.

 _My bad, I guess I kinda snuck up on you there huh?_

While I reflected on my actions, Kawasaki attempted to calm herself down by pressing her palm against her rapidly heaving chest. It was a magnificent medical technique that would put even Black Jack to shame. **[2]** For despite the fact that only one chest was being touched, the technique had somehow managed to modify the heart rates of two people at once. After just a few seconds, all her symptoms of arrhythmia had been successfully transferred over to me.

Now calm, Kawasaki kindly pretended that nothing happened. Instead, she attempted to give me a normal response as she turned around. _Attempted_ that is.

"Oh. That took a pretty long time, did you have any problems in the ba-THFFT?! Wha... wha...?"

Returning to a state of shock, Kawasaki's lips opened and shut uselessly as her gaze scanned my body.

 _...Oh come on, was there really a need to be this surprised?_

Granted, seeing your classmates wearing something other than their school uniforms could give off a very different, possibly very shocking impression. I mean, that was more or less the same reaction that I had to her indoor clothes earlier, so I could understand her feelings very well. But even so, wasn't it basic courtesy to suppress such feelings of surprise? Acting this blatant about it seemed somewhat rude...

It was a reaction that made me want to give her some kind of reprimand, but I stopped myself.

Just a few moments ago, had I not borne witness to the size of Kawasaki's heart? Was it not so wonderfully full of magnanimity?

Even with her hand strongly pressed against it in order to stabilize it, it had remained large enough to forgive me for my own act of rudeness. That supreme grandeur... that endless bountifulness... In spite of all her attempts to suppress it, that majestic size was still overwhelming enough to continue swaying... swaying me to return the favor in kind.

Thus, I too pretended that nothing happened. Instead, I answered her initial question and kindly changed the topic.

"No, there weren't any problems. Kawasaki, can you show me to my bed?"

"B-bed...?"

Still in a state of shock, Kawasaki mindlessly repeated my words.

Then her mind rebooted. Her face immediately started to flush with embarrassment, turning redder and redder as she realized how offensive and inappropriate her reaction was.

Without looking at me, Kawasaki quickly lowered her gaze to the ground while letting out a small, trembling "o-o-ok". Silently leading the way, Kawasaki somehow found her way to Taishi's bedroom even though she never raised her head to look where she was going.

...In the face of that feat of memory, I was once again reminded about the overwhelming terrain advantage held by the Kawasakis within the Kawasaki household.

* * *

"Here it is..."

Much like the room shared by Kawasaki and Keika, the room shared by Taishi and his brother was divided into two halves. Each side of the room contained a set of drawers in the corner and a bed placed alongside the wall. Kawasaki was currently pointing to one of those beds, presumably the one belonging to the brother that wasn't around. Yet for some reason, the other brother was absent as well.

 _Was Taishi currently putting Keika to bed or something?_

That hypothesis seemed a tad strange though... wouldn't it be more natural for Kawasaki, the one who shared a room with Keika, to be putting Keika to bed instead?

While thinking that, Kawasaki continued speaking.

"...B-But... no matter how you look at it, isn't this too early?"

 _Hmm?_

"...Is it?"

 _I had a feeling that the sun set a long time ago though...?_

From what I could see through the window, it was already quite dark outside.

Well, none of the members of the Hikigaya household had regular sleeping patterns, so if you asked me what time was normal for going to bed, I could only honestly answer that I had no idea.

"...U-Un. I mean, I heard Yui and Yumiko say before that this is normal... something about girl power or something..."

 _Girl power? Ah, come to think of it, having lots of sleep was supposedly good for maintaining healthy skin wasn't it?_

So Yuigahama normally slept around this time huh? Komachi certainly didn't... Well, my little sister was a natural beauty who never had to worry about anything like makeup or skincare, so it was unfair to compare her to other girls. Then again, my father always flew into a rage whenever Komachi bought any kind of beauty products, throwing them out and demanding to know what boy she was prettying herself up for.

Silly dad, and you wonder why Komachi hates you. You should just be throwing them out secretly like me. Not that I would tell him though, otherwise I wouldn't be able to continue framing him for my actions.

Oops, I forgot I was still having a conversation with Kawasaki. That must have been a pretty awkward pause for her since I had just stopped for no apparent reason. It would be bad if that caused her to wonder whether she had said something insensitive.

"Well, it's fine isn't it?" I said with a small smile to show Kawasaki that nothing was wrong.

However, it seemed the message didn't get across, because Kawasaki's face started to warp dramatically and display a strange range of expressions while she attempted to sort the situation out.

In that case, it was better for me to continue so we didn't create another strange pause. As such, I decided to share the piece of trivia I had remembered earlier.

"Getting more sleep is good for your health after all."

"N-No, but- Huh? Sleep?"

"...Yes?"

...

 _Strange... our conversation didn't seem to be matching up._

After staring at each other in confusion for a few seconds, Kawasaki suddenly made a look of realization. Upon which she immediately shouted "P-Please excuse me!" and ran out of the room.

... _would it kill her to give me an explanation before leaving?_

Hmm...

 _There was definitely something weird going on here..._

 _..._

Replaying the recent events in my head, a realization soon dawned upon me as well.

My jaw dropped.

It was a realization that made my heart race.

I had not noticed it at the time, but there was actually a very important meaning behind Kawasaki's latest actions.

It was a possibility that I had not considered... Nay, it was a possibility that I had considered but rejected as completely improbable.

For after that short inexplicable conversation, Kawasaki had run off by herself in panic.

That last action of hers. The meaning behind it.

Just thinking about it filled me with excitement and nervousness.

And disbelief that something this good could ever happen to me. After all, the gods were usually never this kind to me.

As my heart continued to beat furiously, threatening to burst out of my chest, I struggled to come to terms with the events that had just transpired.

For those events meant that currently...

...I was all alone in Taishi's bedroom.

All other thoughts were immediately suspended.

* * *

If the advantage of numbers was the specialty of the riajuu, then the advantage of terrain was the specialty of the loner.

That was because unlike riajuus, who regularly fell prey to optimistic delusions that caused their heads to rise up and become embedded within the clouds, loners were far more in touch with reality. Rather than being forced into the clouds, the harshness of reality would instead cause our heads to lower, pushing our gazes towards the ground. And so, even without any conscious effort on our part, information about the terrain would constantly enter our minds. In other words, while riajuus filled their minds with useless dreams, loners properly followed the teachings of Sun Tzu **[3]** , filling our minds with geographical information that had actual, practical value. Vital information such as secure routes for avoiding crowds, or fortified locations for spending time in peaceful solitude.

Thus, my years of experience as a loner had honed my mind into one that instinctively understood how to use terrain in combat. Those instincts were currently screaming at me, yelling that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. The best chance I had to eliminate Taishi before he could sink his fangs into Komachi.

I still had not figured out the reason behind Kawasaki's strange behavior, but I could think about that later. I had finally found the something I was missing for my night attack plans, and there was not a moment to lose.

If this was a hostile environment in which only cockroaches could survive, then I simply needed to terraform it into one suitable for human life!

However, changing the terrain was much easier said than done. I did not possess any terraforming equipment, and I certainly did not have 500 years of time. **[4]** In other words, I would need to find all of the necessary tools on site, without anyone noticing that something was up. That was a tall order which I had not seen any way of accomplishing. A possibility that I had considered but ultimately deemed infeasible.

Yet here I was at the moment, right in the middle of the battle grounds, and the room was completely unguarded.

But since I didn't know when Taishi would arrive, I couldn't tell how long this situation would last. There literally was not a moment to spare.

I got to work immediately, scurrying around the room, searching for items by opening up containers and rummaging through their contents.

It should be obvious, I wasn't looking for any more treasure. I had seen more than enough for today, and there shouldn't be any treasures in Taishi's bedroom in the first place... the occupants of the room were two boys, and to my knowledge, Kawasaki's brother complex was not reciprocated. It was unfortunate, but Taishi was a regular boy who possessed lustful feelings for every girl other than his own sister. Otherwise, I would not have been so worried about him attacking Komachi. Then again, even if Taishi did possess lustful feelings for Kawasaki, that in itself would be another reason for me to separate that deviant from Komachi.

So either way, eliminating Taishi was something that was set in stone.

On a related note, if I did come across any familiar, clearly stolen treasures (Komachi's), Taishi would instantly die where he stands.

It was one thing to lust after someone's sister. As I stated earlier, most teenage boys were simply masses of lust given human form, so I could somewhat understand that those banal urges could not be helped. But going so far as to take her treasures into your own hands? That was a whole other thing. That sin would not be forgiven!

As luck would have it, my excavation revealed no treasures of any sort. Nevertheless, I had found plenty of what I was looking for.

Clothes.

Ideally, I would have preferred to have found ropes. But unlike the bedrooms of adults, the bedrooms of teenagers were unlikely to contain such items. Thus I had to settle for makeshift ropes made out of tied up clothes. On the plus side, ropes made out of clothes wouldn't dig into skin as much as regular ropes, so they were actually better since there would be less physical evidence.

Just to be clear, I wasn't planning to do anything outrageous such as tying Taishi to a chair and pushing him off a steep hill. **[5]** While that would certainly be a way of using the advantage of terrain, it clearly went against all my ideals of pacifism. And more importantly, there was no way I could do something like that without being seen.

No, my plan was far more peaceful.

I was simply going to tie Taishi to his bed while he slept, so he couldn't escape the subsequent interrogation. If I found enough rope, I would also build a web throughout the room beforehand in order to hinder his movement should he somehow get free from the bed. Inhumane maybe, but even most animal rights groups would close an eye when it came to violence against insects within residential areas, so I was safe. Probably.

Besides, this was a plan that was full of nobility and honor, inspired by very people who unified Japan, Oda Nobunaga and Toyotomi Hideyoshi **[6]**. According to legend, these great figures had managed to overcome a terrain disadvantage in enemy territory by building an entire castle in one night. **[7]** Thus one could say that my plan for a one-night prison was perfectly justified. I was merely following in the footsteps of my honorable ancestors. Who would dare to question them?

Hmm... I started to get worried. Making plans based on the historical figures of Japan... _was I becoming infected by Zaimokuza?_

I shuddered and shook off those thoughts. Now was not the time.

For now, I put the clothes back where I found them. Since I did not want to raise suspicion, I could not set up the trap before the prey arrived. The current search was simply to memorize the locations of the necessary clothes, thus allowing me to construct the one-night prison in the dark.

* * *

Next, I began a search for a different type of object. This wasn't really necessary, but I figured I might as well since Taishi had still not arrived.

As with the rest of the Kawasaki household, Taishi's room was covered with photos. And considering the occupants of the room, the photos were biased towards a certain direction, focusing far more on the lives of the Kawasaki sons. Indeed, I could see various photos depicting Taishi's age progression as he grew from being a helpless larvae who couldn't do anything, to being an ugly cocoon who I didn't want anything to do with, before finally transforming into the poisonous insect form I had reluctantly grown familiar with.

But those weren't the photos I was interested in. Since I was aiming for the liberal arts, the biology of a poisonous insect wasn't something that I needed to know.

On the contrary, what interested me was a creature whose genetic makeup was much, much closer to my own. So close that there were only three other creatures on the planet that could be closer, and that was only if I included myself.

And I found photos of her immediately.

While she wasn't wearing a red-and-white bobble hat **[8]** , she was a possessor of the Hikigaya ahoge, a majestic lock of hair that proudly stood out from the crowd and made her easy to identify.

As expected, Komachi wasn't careless enough to let Taishi take pictures of her easily, so there weren't any incriminating two-shot photos that would have inspired me to immediately bike to the nearest gas station, get containers of gasoline, and then burn down the entire Kawasaki residence.

Nevertheless, there were still some photos of her that she couldn't prevent others from taking. For instance, the school yearbook photos were more or less mandatory for every student, and even though it was a clear violation of their privacy, such photos were often freely given out to the rest of their classmates.

Therefore it was inevitable that Taishi, a student in the same year as Komachi, had managed to lay his flithy hands on quite a number of them.

Too bad for him though, because I happened to own duplicates of these exact photos in my own Komachi album!

That made it very easy to find them even within the mass of photos decorating these walls. If the situation progressed as planned, all of these Komachi photos would be confiscated before I left tomorrow morning. After removing any traces of the insect from them, they would then serve as backup copies for my collection, just in case anything should happen to my Komachi album.

* * *

After some time, I heard the sound of the bedroom door opening and closing behind me. It was the signal for the start of battle.

Adrenaline flowed through my veins, but I suppressed my excitement. I couldn't afford to spook Taishi out yet. I needed to lull him to sleep first so I could tie him up.

Thus I turned around with an feigned expression of complete innocence... which then turned into a real expression of pure bafflement.

For instead of being presented with an insect as my opponent, I had been presented a human instead. Wasn't it normally the other way around in battle manga? The protagonist would suddenly find himself fighting against some gigantic bear in an underground arena... **[9]** Then again, the human I was facing was probably just as deadly as those mutant bears. _*Gulp*_

The two of us continued to stare at each other in puzzlement. After all, neither of us were supposed to be here.

Considering how long ago I had been brought to this bedroom, I should have already been deep within dreamland instead of here.

And considering how Kawasaki had her own bed, a bed that was not in Taishi's room, she should have been warm and snug within it instead of here.

That said, there was a limit to how much we could communicate with our eyes. Furthermore, while my presence could be arbitrarily explained away as a passing bout of insomnia, Kawasaki's certainly could not. So my curiosity won out and I broke the silence.

"Why are you here?"

" 'Why?' ?" Kawasaki became more puzzled when I probed. "Weren't you the one who arranged this with Taishi?"

 _Hmm? I don't recall arranging anything with Taishi... and wait, by 'this', did she perhaps mean...?_

Seeing my look of confusion, Kawasaki continued her explanation. "Taishi said that since you are my guest, I should be the one looking after you. So I should swap beds with him..."

 _..._

 _Haaahhh?! Just what kind of sophistry is that?! I wasn't invited here, nor did I need anyone to look after me!_

Various complaints immediately filled my mind, demanding to be given voice so they could destroy that ridiculous argument.

But voicing them wasn't guaranteed to solve the problem, so let's organize the situation first.

Kawasaki just announced that she and Taishi had agreed to swap beds.

In other words, Taishi was currently sleeping in Kawasaki's bedroom...

...Meaning Taishi no longer had any reason to come to this bedroom...

...

My various schemes... the schemes that I had painstakingly constructed within my mind... fizzled out of existence. Every last one of them had been rendered completely irrelevant.

I had been tricked!

How? How was this possible?

Wasn't Taishi just your run-of-the-mill insignificant insect that possessed no capability whatsoever?

No, it was because I held such thoughts, such preconceptions, that I underestimated him. I thought he would continue to remain an insignificant existence and never evolve into a real threat. Thus I had been caught completely off guard.

Looking back, Taishi had always been there... hanging around the Service Club as we went around handling requests. I thought he was simply trying to stay near Komachi so he could continue with his useless appeals to her, but he had actually been watching properly. He had always been there watching us... observing us... learning our underhanded techniques and stealing them... making them into his own. And now, he was using the stolen technology against me. **[10]**

 _Gah!_ I grit my teeth in frustration.

Thinking about it further, even his invitation had been carefully calculated. Rather than "do you want to sleep in the same room as me?", Taishi had cleverly worded his question into "do you want to sleep in my room?" Thus, he had not lied! It was a genuine invitation to Taishi's bedroom, just not the room Taishi was going to be sleeping in!

Now that I had been pushed into a corner like this, was there nothing else I could do?

...

I could still sneak out while Kawasaki was asleep I guess...?

...

 _Hmm?_

Thinking about it, the bed swap didn't just move Taishi into Kawasaki's bed, it also moved Kawasaki into Taishi's bed. In other words, this giant brocon was going to spend the night sleeping in her younger sibling's bed.

 _How... how envious!_ No I mean, _how incestuous!_

There was no way this brocon could sleep like that!

I mean, even I, with my _perfectly_ healthy level of affection for Komachi, could not imagine sleeping in Komachi's bed. Just thinking about it made me so hot and bothered that it blew away all my sleepiness! So there was no way someone like Kawasaki, whose brother complex was deep enough to brush off Hayama's advances, could pull off sleeping in her brother's bed. She was going to end up spending the entire night awake, too excited to sleep...

...

 _AHHHH!_

No way... No... no way... A terrifying thought passed through my mind.

 _Taishi, was this part of your plan as well!?_

* * *

 **[1] "Superman" reference. The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman goes to be... well... alone. (Well, okay not quite, Superman mainly uses it to do top secrety stuff.)**

 **[2] "Black Jack" is a manga/anime whose titular character is a doctor with genius-level skills in seemingly every medical field. It's pretty old, but it was so popular that it is still being talked about today. Heck, because I delayed this chapter so long, there is even a prequel called "Young Black Jack" that's currently airing! _Yes, my delay was totally intentional so this could happen... totally..._  
**

 **[3] Sun Tzu is the author of "The Art of War", a book about combat tactics that dedicates an entire chapter to talking about the advantage of terrain.**

 **[4] "Terra Formars" reference. Actually this whole chapter is one long extended reference to the "Terra Formars" manga/anime. Taishi's bedroom is Mars, a location inhabited only by insects (Taishi). In order to colonize Mars, humanity launched a terraforming project that took 500 years before the environment became suitable for human life. Unfortunately, the insects in the terraforming process evolved during that time, leading to all the crazy human vs insect fighting that goes on in the story.**

 **[5] I so so want to parody a parody and make parody-ception.**

 **[6] Erm... Japanese history stuff. If you don't like boring history lessons but want to know who these guys are anyway, consider watching the "Oda Nobuna no Yabo" anime for a lighter, far less historically accurate version of it, with most of the people getting serious plot additions. _Plot._ _Additions_. _*Whistles innocently*_**

 **[7] This is the "Sunomata Castle". Please look it up yourself if you're interested, because writing more info about Japanese history legends is seriously making me feel like a Zaimokuza X_X.**

 **[8] There's a popular series of books known as "Where's Waldo?" or "Where's Wally?", where the goal is to look through the pictures, searching for a man called Waldo/Wally. The man usually wears a red-and-white bobble hat, making it somewhat easier to find him. Too bad the creators weren't related to the anime industry, or there would be ahoges instead!**

 **[9] More "Terra Formars" references. Then again, a lot of battle stories do follow this route. Gladiators vs Dangerous Beasts is a concept so old even ancient Romans had it.**

 **[10] So... so many "Terra Formars" references. The cockroaches like to steal mankind's technology and use it against them.**

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 **Author's Note: After a month long hiatus, Stay Over Plan is back! With a chapter much longer than usual as some consolation. That said, it was a very depressing chapter, a story where a bug triumphs over 8mankind. *Sobs* So much sorrow watching 8man get utterly defeated by the bug.  
**

 **Anyway, the reason for the delays is a bit of a plothole I had in the drama chapter that I couldn't really work around. This past month has just been me doing lots of rewriting. Restructuring. Reorganizing. [Insert more terms that would traumatize corporate slaves here.] I have somewhat fixed it now, but some parts may seem a little awkward (more than usual?) as a result, hopefully its not too noticable. So yeah, drama next chapter.**

* * *

This is where the responses to reviews section usually goes, but the last chapter was so long ago I'm wondering if anyone still remembers what they wrote in their review... x_X. Well, here goes.

illusion2438: 8man needs every escape from reality he can get. Too overworked :(

Someone Else Took My Name: Dark and bloody oregairu? If you do give writing that a shot, can I nominate Taishi for the side character that gets disboweled?

Toshiro Ricky: Spoiler spoiler spoiler. Dang, can't say anything without spoiling. :( Well, minor spoiler: the chapter after the drama will contain(?) lots and lots of Isshiki(?), but it may(?) not be what you're looking for. As much as I like to put Iroha everywhere, I already have a fic where Iroha is the main heroine. This time it's Saki's turn.

Loner-kun: Good to hear, since a lot of this material was chosen precisely because imagining them put ridiculous grins on my face. I have been creepily giggling to myself while walking around during the past few months... so it's nice to get confirmation that I'm not crazy lol XD.

BentShuriken: ARGH! My brain! Well-played Shuriken, well-played. You know what the scariest thing is? After that review, I started finding terrifying 8man images of that sort uploaded on certain image boards... x_X

Guest: Well yea the characters are normally a bit OOC (mainly so I can make 8man super dense), but this upcoming chapter will be going off the rails a lot more, so I figured a bit of a warning was in order.

ArmantusCumPinnae: Yes this is a Kawasaki fic. I would have put her in the character tags, but the fanfiction website doesn't have her. Even though it even has Orimoto... D: At this rate, even Tobe is going to be added first ;_;.

Cloud9: All this time, that "Reeeee" really stood for "Reeeeeeetired" lol. Spyro taking a well deserved rest after those 6+ volumes he translated. There are still LN volumes being translated though! Just not on Kyakka. They are mostly just floating around on the internet as pastebins.

DGKSilver: That depends. Will you bring in enough money for me to live as a house-husband, even after the divorce? XD

HeroBladeRiyet: I may update slowly, but I have every intention of finishing this story properly :).


	16. Misconceptions and Misunderstandings

**Warning: This chapter contains drama. And crazy. Lots of crazy. Like seriously, the fanfic author went off the rails here and started doing weird things. Like, I'm the fanfic author and I approve of this message. It's radically different from any other chapter in this story, and isn't completely necessary to understand the plot. So if you're reading this for fluffy humor, maybe skip this chapter and wait for the next one. Same if you're reading this for Saki shipping. Actually really everyone should just skip this chapter, so I'm not sure why I'm even posting this.**

 **Well, 8man needed a bit of a wake-up slap to stop ignoring Saki-Saki so much, so that's probably why.  
**

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 **By reading beyond this point, you agree to use a thesaurus to replace any negative words in your inevitably angry review with euphemisms.**

 **P.S. Yes this bold text at the top of the page is the funniest part of the entire chapter.**

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Misconceptions and Misunderstandings  


 _Impossible... it's not possible... this must be a dream..._

My body swayed about listlessly as if its strings had been cut.

 _Ha. Haha... hahaha..._

Kawasaki was still carrying on the conversation, but I was no longer listening. My body continued on autopilot, participating in the conversation but only giving vague, noncommittal responses. Because the only thing I could hear now was my own nihilistic laughter, echoing silently deep within the depths of my brain.

Of course, I had any number of excuses at my disposal to explain my loss:

 _The battlefield was in Taishi's house so he had a massive terrain advantage._

 _My preparations for today had only included anti-Isshiki measures, not anti-Taishi ones._

 _The black treasures were too distracting._

But no matter how many times I assessed and reassessed the situation, it was my complete and utter defeat. Taishi's plan had been so thorough that conversely, I couldn't help but feel impressed by how there was not a single opening I could use to turn things around.

For the longest time, I had never understood why Komachi would bother to hang around with that brat. He had not a shred of talent or personality to speak of, and appeared to be nothing more than a regular run-of-the-mill boy you could find anywhere. No, even saying that was an insult to regular boys. Although some might have judged him to be a plain boy at first glance, the Taishi I knew wasn't plain at all. Nay, he was far worse: his entire character was dead! His character didn't hold up at all, it was as though it was half-baked or unfinished! **[1]** At least Tobe could claim he had the redeeming quality of being friends with Hayama. Taishi had nothing at all. Nothing!

Or so it had seemed before today. I guess Komachi must have sensed the potential laying dormant within him... As expected, my little sister's discerning eye was great. Somehow, it felt like the two of them were going somewhere far, far away... far beyond my reach...

 _Heh. hehe... Hehehe..._

The spiritless laughter continued to fill my mind as I replayed the events leading up to my defeat. But some of my negative feelings must have leaked out through my behavior, because I was suddenly brought back to the present by a unusually solemn "Hey."

Looking for the source of the voice, I found that Kawasaki had at some point moved. She was now sitting on Taishi's bed with her head down. Since I was standing up next to the other bed, I could not see her expression.

"Could it be... the reason you chose to stay over at my place... was Taishi?"

 _!_

I was caught off guard by the unexpected question and the sudden change in the atmosphere.

"H-Haha... What are you saying? Have you been hanging out with Ebina too mu-"

When I tried to crack a joke to lighten the mood, Kawasaki raised her face to shoot me a serious glare. And that single glare was all it took to convey her message that jokes would not be tolerated. So I answered her properly.

"No. It was you."

Although I had been sidetracked by Taishi later in the day, the original request to stay over at the Kawasaki household had nothing to do with him. The primary goal of this stay over was simply to get some alone time. It was a goal that was best achieved by staying near the Isshiki-repelling Kawasaki, and had no relevance to Taishi whatsoever.

"...Is that really so?"

Kawasaki looked back down at the ground, hiding her expression from view once more.

Yet the shaking of her shoulders gave away the intensity of the emotions she was experiencing, and suggested that she did not believe my words.

Something was strange.

Why was she reacting this way?

It didn't add up. What was she feeling? What was she thinking?

All too late, I realised that my actions up until now had been far too careless. Too insensitive. Too negligent.

Kawasaki was not some random two-bit character in a light novel. She was not some minor character whose role was so insignificant that it could be completely axed from an anime adaptation **[2]**. And she definitely did not exist purely for my own convenience, appearing only to provide support and comic relief.

No, Kawasaki was a sentient being with her own life, her own goals, and her own thought processes. Even though she didn't speak much, that was merely a result of her poor communication ability, and was not a sign that she didn't think much. If anything, it was a self-evident truth that silent loner types like Kawasaki usually thought about things far more deeply than noisy social types like Tobe.

In that case, what was Kawasaki thinking about the current situation? What were the thought processes that had led up to this moment?

I rebuilt my analysis from the ground up, this time looking at the situation from Kawasaki's point of view.

* * *

A classmate she didn't know very well suddenly asked to stay over at her place. When she asked for a reason, the boy refused to answer, and simply tried to force his way through. Since she felt indebted to him, she allowed it and agreed not to ask.

However, even though she had agreed not to question the boy, that did not mean she had stopped thinking about it. Rather, it would be stranger if she did stop. In hindsight, it was obvious that Kawasaki must have continued to wonder about it. She must have been pondering the reason this entire time.

The first and most straightforward answer she might have guessed would be that the boy was having some troubles at home, and thus needed a place to stay at for a night.

But that reason would not explain why she was chosen. Although the two of them couldn't exactly be called complete strangers, they were not all that close either, bound mainly by a series of back and forth business-like favors (mostly forth). Plus, while it was not at the level that could be called plenty, the boy did seem to have better options available. She had even asked about those options, specifically mentioning Yuigahama and Yukinoshita as possible alternatives. In that manner, she had already ascertained that the boy had considered and rejected those options.

In that case, it was only natural to believe that the reason for the stay over was because the boy wanted something from her.

Obviously, any romantic developments would be out of the question. No matter how much debt she had accrued, love could not be bought that way. Thus she was probably on guard to kick him out immediately should he try anything funny. But romance wasn't the only possible reason. Maybe the boy simply wanted her advice on a private issue that couldn't be discussed in a public place like the school. Maybe he wanted some tutoring in the subjects he was weak in. She did have grades high enough to get an academic scholarship, and the boy knew that.

Or perhaps there weren't any deep reasons at all. As unlikely as it sounded, it could be that the boy simply wanted to hang out and enjoy her company. If that was the case, then she did not have any particular reason to refuse. Putting aside whether she would enjoy his company, she could still play the gracious host and put up with him for one night.

Yet the moment her classmate entered her household, he started to ignore her. Rather than having any conversations, or even any interactions with her, the boy straight out told her that she did not need to do anything. She was even told _not_ to play the gracious host, and the boy had gone so far as to serve the tea and snacks by himself, just to prevent her from doing so.

If it was just that, then Kawasaki could still hazard a guess as to what the boy's intentions were. Rather than her company, perhaps the boy simply wanted something that was in her house. It was an unlikely explanation, whose sole merit lay in the fact that it remained after the process of elimination. But even that guess fell apart quickly, because for the rest of the day, the boy simply sat by himself in a corner of the house, reading a light novel that he had brought along with him. In other words, the classmate that had so desperately pleaded to stay over at her place, was now enjoying his time alone, and without making use of a single item that belonged to the Kawasaki household.

While I had my reasons for doing so, Kawasaki had no way of knowing them since I never explained any of them to her. The correct answer for my stay over was in fact to enjoy her company. But what I wanted to enjoy was the feeling of peace and security that came from being near Kawasaki. It was an intangible benefit, a goal that was achieved simply by hanging around her, without having any need to actually interact with her. And while I was not particularly averse to interacting with Kawasaki, the accident earlier today had left me seeing a superimposed delusion that was bad for my heart, so at some level I had in fact been trying to avoid getting too close to her.

Without knowing these reasons, my various actions must seemed utterly incomprehensible to Kawasaki. After all, nothing her classmate had done so far seemed even remotely related to the Kawasaki household. As a result, Kawasaki's mind must have been driven to explore more esoteric reasons for my stay over, with none of them making even a morsel of sense.

And then, her beloved brother Taishi returned home. At which point her classmate's behavior changed completely. Rather than continuing to seclude himself, lazing around while doing his own thing, her classmate was now energetically moving about. But rather than interacting with her, his main focus seemed to be on Taishi instead.

Seeing that, a certain hypothesis had to have crossed Kawasaki's mind.

 _Is this guy not just here to harass Taishi?_

I mean, Kawasaki wasn't blind. She had to have noticed my odd behaviors whenever it came to dealing with Taishi. She knew that Taishi and Komachi were somewhat close, and she knew how much I loved Komachi, so I obviously had plenty of motive to do something against Taishi. Yet because she felt indebted to me, and because no real damage had been done to Taishi, she had closed one eye and given me the benefit of the doubt. Even if I had a motive, that was nothing more than speculation.

Yet after today's events, after seeing the listlessness in my movements once I found out that Taishi wasn't sleeping in this room tonight, that speculation turned into conviction.

But in that case, why was Kawasaki not currently beating me to a pulp? Why was she holding back, restraining her intense emotions to the point that her shoulders were shaking like this?

 _Unless..._

In that instant, a stereotypical story sequence crossed my mind. It was that of a bankrupt corporate slave, stricken with debts that she couldn't pay back, being forced to bite her lips and endure as she watched the loan sharks have their way with her family in their quest to extract compensation.

 _Was... was this what Kawasaki was feeling at the moment?! Enduring the pain of watching her brother get harassed because of her debts?_

 _Who!? Who was the evil loan shark that was making her feel this way?!_ I tried asking myself to explore the alternatives, but obviously the only answer was me.

I was immediately flooded with guilt.

I wanted to confess everything immediately.

I wanted to explain to Kawasaki my true reason for coming here, and how it had nothing to do with Taishi.

I wanted her to realize it was just a misunderstanding.

Even if a part of me wanted to harass Taishi, that was nothing more than a secondary objective. It was not something I had to do, and after seeing her reaction, it wasn't even something I wanted to do anymore, not if it would cause her this much pain.

However, thinking that every problem could be magically solved by honestly confessing everything was nothing but a delusion.

It was a misconception perpetuated by the 'winners' in life, the ikemen **[3]** whose good looks alone were enough to convince others to take every word they said as truth, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. For everyone else, your 'truths' would only be believed if the other party already possessed matching 'truths' in their mind. Nay, in some cases, the other party might even abandon their own 'truths' after hearing them from your mouth.

With my dead fish eyes bringing my innate charisma down to zero, those kinds of methods weren't something I could pull off even in normal situations. And the truth I needed to convey in this situation was anything but normal.

Just think about it.

Just try saying:

"I am here because our student council president has been freeloading at my place. Since she is giving me so much work to do, I am trying to avoid her by staying near you, one of the few people she is afraid of."

Regardless of its truth value, that explanation was downright absurd. It was a setting so unbelievable, that even fan fiction reviewers who were accustomed to strange stories would end up going "Wait, wait, wait. What the hell?!" Then they would promptly drop the series and never give it a second look.

At the very least, I could find no way of phrasing that in a believable manner. So even if I revealed the truth, the outcome was obvious: Kawasaki would only conclude that I was telling a blatant lie and become more aggravated. It was a course of action would accomplish nothing.

Even worse, it would give me an excuse to put the blame on Kawasaki. It would be nothing other than a transference of guilt, allowing me to think pompous, self-righteous, and ultimately unrepentant thoughts like: _Hey, I told her the truth, ya know? It's her fault for not believing in it!_

That was nothing but self-satisfaction, a cruel performance masquerading as a proper solution while actually being designed to turn Kawasaki into a scapegoat for all the problems at hand. Far from solving anything that actually mattered, it would only increase the damage from the fallout.

Even if society approved of such methods, I would never agree.

There had to be a better option. No actually, any option at all, including silence, would be a better option than that.

In the first place, my circumstances weren't important. Confessing the matter about Isshiki would certainly make my motivations easier to explain, but it wasn't something Kawasaki needed to know, and it was ultimately pointless if it just convinced Kawasaki that I was lying.

The only important truth I needed to convey was that my reasons for coming here were based on Kawasaki, with no relevance to Taishi whatsoever.

As I continued to rack my brains, Kawasaki lifted up her head and looked me in the eyes. Meeting her gaze straight on, I became lost in her expression. The contorted look of pain on her face... the tears that were pooling in her eyes... with that one look, she had sent me all of the evidence I needed to confirm that my latest analysis of the situation was, most unfortunately, spot-on. And whatever expression I had on my face was apparently enough confirmation for Kawasaki's suspicions as well, as she soon averted her gaze.

"I thought it was weird from the start," Kawasaki continued with a choking voice. "Why... Why would you choose me? You have both Yui and Yukinoshita, two beautiful girls at your side... yet you came to me instead..."

Although Kawasaki was still talking, I couldn't afford to continue listening silently.

I had to stop her.

With each word she spoke, each argument she presented, Kawasaki reinforced her own suspicions and deepened the misunderstanding.

At this rate, all that awaited us was a world where everyone was hurt.

 _But how?_

What could I do to prevent the worst development?

Even if my excellent grades in Japanese literature gave me a particularly high level of communication ability for a loner, there wasn't a lot I could do.

Even among my 108 loner skills, most of them were more suited for avoiding this sort of situation in the first place, they couldn't prevent it once it began.

Ignorant of my inner turmoil, the flow of time continued on, and so did Kawasaki.

"It was strange..."

 _There was no time left..._

"...it's not like we know each other particularly well..."

 _...In that case, there was no choice..._

"...and it's not like I'm particularly popular..."

 _...Despicably, maliciously, and underhandedly..._

"...not like Yui or Yumiko..."

"Stop it."

My voice swelled and came out gruffly. The sudden, forceful interjection caused Kawasaki to freeze up mid-sentence.

I had seen a chance and taken it.

But the solution I had stumbled upon was downright low.

Despicable.

Detestable.

Foul.

I couldn't help but feel disgusted that even after a year of 'rehabilitation' in the service club, such underhanded methods were still the main things that came to mind. Apparently human natures weren't things that were so easily changed.

And to make matters worse, much like many of my underhanded schemes, there was even a chance that it would catastrophically backfire and bring everything to ruin. Yet among the methods I could think of, this was the only one that had any chance of success.

And this time was different from the others.

 _No, I would make it different from the others._

So I continued while giving her an angry stare.

"If you say any more..."

It was an irrational, unjustified 'anger'. Any objective third party would agree that the only one who should feel anger in this situation was Kawasaki.

It was a despicable move that took advantage of the fact that Kawasaki was weak to pressure.

It was a malicious action whose sole purpose was to amplify the negative feelings that Kawasaki was already experiencing.

Yes.

Rather than making Kawasaki feel better, I was actively trying and succeeding in making her feel worse.

And despite how sick and twisted it was, I couldn't afford to go easy.

Mustering the largest amount of intensity so far, I finished my sentence.

"... I will get angry."

I couldn't give Kawasaki a chance to recover.

If she found out just how unsupported... how unreasonable my 'anger' was, everything would be ruined. The resulting amount of damage would be worse than if I had done nothing at all.

So before that happened, I had to force my way through. Increase her pain, her sorrow, her guilt, and most importantly, her confusion.

For the fact that my anger looked so clearly unjustified to an outside party... that was the very fact that would open up the path to success.

Because Kawasaki wasn't an all-knowing omniscient third party observer. She was an active participant and was thus limited to seeing only one side of the story.

And because of that limitation, my sudden outburst of irrational anger would temporarily confuse her.

It would make her doubt.

Make her wonder.

Make her reflect and replay the past events in her head.

Perhaps her side of the story was missing something important.

Perhaps something she had done carelessly, something that would provide a legitimate reason for that anger.

It was the existence of that possibility that would intensify her doubt and confusion. And through it, two things would happen:

Her conviction in her own 'truth' would weaken, since she would no longer be sure that she was seeing the whole picture.

And she would pause, allowing me to gain control over the situation.

Allowing me to overwrite her weakened 'truth' with the actual 'truth'.

"The one I chose was Kawasaki Saki. Not Kawasaki Taishi. Not Yuigahama Yui or Yukinoshita Yukino, not even Miura Yumiko... rather than them, the only one I would choose is Kawasaki Saki."

Kawasaki stared at me with an expression of shock and confusion, which was obvious because what I just said didn't really explain anything. Especially not any reason that would explain why I was getting angry.

But I wasn't done yet.

After getting the truth across, all I needed to do was to close all the loopholes.

Shoot down all the arguments she had raised with a rapid fire flood of counterarguments. No, beyond that, predict any other arguments that she could have continued to raise and pre-emptively shoot all of them down too.

"So when you doubt that she was chosen... when you insult her... you are insulting my choice. You are insulting my right and my ability to judge for myself!

Popularity? Something like that doesn't matter! Why should I care what the masses, what all those silly guys who spend all day going 'wey-wey', think? If they are unable to see your value, then they are all blind. The Kawasaki Saki I know is an amazing girl who is overflowing with talent and personality and beauty.

Whether its sports or studies... I mean, looking at academics, hasn't she been doing so well that she has received scholarships?

She is not in any sports clubs, but I am sure that if she joined one, she would do well enough to get an athletic scholarship too.

As if that isn't enough, she can also cook, she can also sew, and she takes great care of her family.

On top of that, she is even kind and caring and considerate.

And even in the looks department, I don't see how she loses to other girls at all.

Well, her communication ability is a bit low, but it's not like that causes any problems. No actually it's good! It makes her even cuter!

A-And if you still say I don't know her well enough... well... then...

...Then that's all the more reason why I should be spending more time hanging out with her."

My voice came out rougher than I expected. I had accidentally gotten a bit angry for real.

I just couldn't help but become irritated when Kawasaki mentioned her lack of popularity.

Why should loners with such high specs be forced to feel inferior just because they weren't popular? Even if the opinions of the masses could not be changed, there was no reason why we should have to go along with them.

Thanks to that, I had started spouting a bunch of embarrassing stuff in the middle that wasn't really related to the current situation at all.

I needed to get back on track.

"Also, since it is related I will say this now. Even if it is for my sake, I don't want you to force yourself to do things or put up with things that you don't like."

In the first place, I couldn't understand why Kawasaki felt so indebted to me. Whether it was the scholarship request or the chocolate request, or the various other requests down the line, the things I did were always completely minor. The main parts of her requests were always accomplished via Kawasaki's own efforts. At best, my contributions were akin to a walkthrough for a game. Even if it provided lots of knowledge and advice, the player was the one who actually cleared the game, and in many cases the player could have done so even without consulting the walkthrough.

At some point during my outburst, Kawasaki had lowered her head to face the floor again. Her shoulders were no longer shaking, but her expression wasn't visible, so I had no idea what she was thinking. I could not even tell whether anything I said had registered with her.

Nevertheless, it did not seem like the situation would progress towards the worst ending anymore.

That said, I had probably far outlived my welcome. Even if the misunderstanding had been cleared, the fact remained that I had unreasonably yelled at the person letting me stay over. I had more or less bitten the hand that fed me, so it wouldn't be surprising if Kawasaki was none too pleased.

She might even be wanting to throw me out right this moment, but was holding back because of how late it was.

In that case, I should at least have the consideration to let myself out.

"...Sorry, I said too much. Should I just leave?"

Even if the last trains had stopped, I had a bike anyway, so returning home was not an impossible task.

It would mean returning to a life of corporate slavery under Isshiki, but if the alternative was to turn Kawasaki into a sacrifice, then that was no alternative at all.

I started walking towards the door.

"No. It's fine." Kawasaki stopped me. "I... I also said too much... Sorry."

I wondered if she was still forcing herself, but when I turned around, Kawasaki was now looking at me directly. Those twisted, contorted expressions that did not fit with her beautiful face had all completely disappeared, as if this past conversation with her had been nothing but a dream.

But apparently there was still some doubt, as Kawasaki spoke again, this time giving me a gaze far more direct than any before.

"Hey... It's okay for me to believe you right?"

I paused for a moment.

Even though I spouted a bunch of irrelevant statements, and left out a number of confusing details, I had not said a single lie. I had meant every word. And most importantly, I never wanted to do anything that would cause Kawasaki to make those pained expressions again. Thus I looked directly in her eyes and reassured her.

"Of course. I would never do anything to hurt you."

"Un... I got it."

In place of those pained expressions, a warm, radiant smile now covered Kawasaki's face.

It was a smile which indicated to me that a world where no one was hurt had just been completed.

This way of doing things was probably still wrong.

Although everything had worked out in the end, saying that the ends justified the means wasn't something I could easily do.

But at the very least, I had learned from my previous mistakes.

In contrast to those times where I guided people towards a superficial lie, this time I had been guiding Kawasaki towards the truth.

This time, a world with no misunderstandings was completed.

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 **[1]** **Random Saekano reference before the drama begins.**

 **[2] Can't be completely axed, but the anime directors are certainly trying X_x.**

 **[3] "Ikemen" means super handsome man. (I think an earlier chapter has the same footnote, but it's been a while.)**

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 **Long Author's Note: Ahhh Drama. It seems that every lengthy Oregairu fanfic has a drama scene nowadays. Not surprising considering that canon Oregairu does have a lot of drama too, especially in season 2. Though most of fanfic drama is just burning the ships of other heroines or letting 8man tell random characters why they suck. Well there are also a lot of dramas where 8man refuses to say what he really feels, and a lot of dramas with feel-good power of friendship/courage/honestly/love/family/heart themes.**

 **Yet strangely, I haven't seen any fanfic doing the one type of drama that canon Oregairu holds a very unique grip on. I.e. Despicable. Malicious. Underhanded. Foul. Yet ultimately with 'good' intentions. Basically 8man 'solving' problems with unconventional, socially-unacceptable methods. Then again I haven't been keeping up to date with a lot of fanfics lately, so if some fanfic has done this, please point me to it.  
**

 **So anyway, this is my attempt at doing precisely that. And damn that was hard. In these past few months, I think the number of times I rewrote this drama conversation was larger than the number of actual real life conversations I had. (Which to be fair, isn't a very large number. So alone lol.)**

 **Even then, I probably botched it anyway. Towards the end everything felt so OOC that I was starting to lose my own personality from trying to get in character... made even more complicated by the fact that each character has their own misunderstanding of the situation, and their own ideas about how the other characters are understanding the situation, and how those other characters think they are underst- my head hurts x_X.  
**

 _ **Heh. Hehe... Hehehe... Who am wee? Wahh...**_

 **So anyway! If you have actually read up to this point, please leave a review to let me know how this type of drama is working for you (and you don't have to actually use a thesaurus). There aren't any more drama chapters planned for this particular fanfic, but if people seem to like this and tell me that I'm not as crazy as I think I am right now, I might do more of it in other fanfics down the line.**

 **Not for a while though, I'm pretty burnt out from writing this z_z.**

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Once again, thanks for all the reviews.

Amused Archer: Noted, more black lace will return in chapter... 18. Spoiler, but eh, I don't think you can really guess what will happen from just this lol XD.

Anon-kun: Strangely enough, this is the first time someone asked that. Yet I can't answer that question without it being a massive spoiler. (I can PM the spoiler to you if you make an account here I guess :p?)

illusion2438: Sounds like someone went over to the bug side O_o.

BentShuriken: Something like that is planned as a bonus at the end. Not quite, but close. It'll be quite a while before we get there though, so you'll have to wait :(.

Loner-kun: If you ignored the warning at the top, this might have broken the grin. Whoops.

P.S. When I see a fanfic torturing a heroine, my urge to do a one-shot for her rises. Will probably do an Iroha one-shot before the next chapter of StayOver. That or make the next chapter of StayOver heavy on the Irohasu.

Xera Stark: Hmm... Readers... Off guard... 150ish favorites... GOTTA CATCH'EM ALL! XD Also good guess because the questioning was in this very chapter lol.

LightningDestroyer: But then I would have to put that warning everywhere... :p Also, I must regretfully crush this wish now: "Motocycle awakes" is not happening. A Brocon can't be asleep in her brother's bed in the first place lol.

ArmantusCumPinnae: "unless u gonna make it ooc..." Whoooops. x_X?

EuclidWriter: Hehehe... I may have promised drama this chapter, but I never said the misinterpretations would stop. Wahaha.

Seriously that weewah guy is such a troll. Don't trust anything he says about subsequent chapters. They won't be lies per se, but they will most likely be completely twisted.


	17. Interlude: ? ? ?

**Author's Note: I have made you wait long enough! Even though the story for this chapter was really planned out months ago, I still ended up taking this long to write it up. But this time I have a valid(?) excuse! I wanted to first write a one-shot where good things happen to Iroha... because bad things happen to her in this chapter. Horrible... unspeakable things... you have been warned!  
**

 **Also, this is something like a joke chapter, so don't take it too seriously.**

* * *

Interlude: ? ? ?  


"...nngh... hmm?"

Waking up from my slumber, I was momentarily puzzled by the fact that what entered my vision was not the familiar sight of my bedroom ceiling.

As my eyes slowly regained their focus, I quickly dismissed the hypothesis that I had stayed over at Zaimokuza's household again.

After all, what I saw was not a ceiling at all.

It was however, a familiar sight.

It was my classroom desk.

...

Apparently, I had fallen for one of society's most nefarious loner traps: I had fallen asleep in the middle of class.

At this point, most people wouldn't have any idea what I was talking about. To them, falling asleep in class just meant missing out on a boring lesson. It wasn't that big of a deal, especially for those who would normally fool around in class instead of paying attention. At worst, they would just be caught by the teacher and scolded.

However, the situation was reversed for loners.

If a loner fell asleep in class, he wouldn't have to worry about being caught by a teacher. In this case, his lack of presence would work in his favor, for most teachers would never even bother to look in his direction. Thus scoldings would be the least of his concerns.

No, the problem came afterwards, after the class ended.

For the loner's stealth ability was a passive that would not automatically deactivate just because the class ended. Even if the loner was sitting right next to the door, everyone would simply walk past him.

There was no conscientious class representative who would notice he was asleep.

There was no caring classmate who would bother to wake him up.

There wasn't even a bad friend who would convince him that the world had ended while he was asleep, and that he now had to spend the rest of his days with a cyborg. **[1]**

And so the loner would continue to sleep. Sleep on and on. In the worst case, he would remain asleep until the next class began, at which point he would be put to sleep again by another boring lesson.

It would become an infinite loop with no escape!

Fortunately, it seems I had managed to wake up on my own this time.

 _Hmm...?_ But when I gave it more thought, the current situation was actually rather strange.

I was by no means a riajuu, but I did have two classmates which regularly talked to me. So wasn't it weird that neither of them had seen fit to rouse me from my slumber?

 _Like seriously, how mean, you two! Why didn't you wake me? I thought we were friends- ..._ Well no I guess we weren't exactly friends huh? But still...

No, wait. I blinked a few times and tried to speed up my brain's boot up sequence. Soon, the short-term memory system of my brain came back online, and filled in the answers to my queries.

Yuigahama... was currently attending to Ebina, who I had sent to the infirmary earlier today.

Zaimokuza... was currently at an undisclosed location, since I had sent him on a mission to...

 _...what?_

Tell the Service Club that I wasn't going to be attending today?

 _But why?_

I tried to load up more of my short-term memory data, but there was nothing. No matter how much I searched, all I found was a wavy sea of black. Plus for some reason, my head was aching pretty badly. _Did I sleep on it wrong or something?_

Oh well, the point was... the reason why those two had left me to my own devices... was entirely my fault.

 _Whoops. Tehe! My bad!_

That said...

I lifted my head off the table and sat up properly.

Gazing out the window, I half expected to see the gray skies of closed space **[2]** , but of course it was just the gray skies of a cloudy afternoon.

Perhaps sleeping in class like this wasn't bad once in a while. Unlike the bustling atmosphere it had during the day, the classroom was currently enveloped in a strange sense of tranquility. A feeling of serenity made possible only by the fact that Tobe and company had left the area.

And most importantly, this peacefulness was currently filling me with a sense of bliss. A sense of bliss that came from the fact that for once... for once in a long, long time, I had woken up without any signs of work to do or Isshi-

"Ah Senpai, you're awake at last!"

 _...or not._

Without bothering to turn around and face the source of those dreaded words, I slumped back down onto my desk, hoping that slumber would take me once more.

"Hey!"

But Isshiki would have none of that. Grabbing the back of my blazer, she forcibly yanked me back into an upright position.

"Don't go back to sleep jeez! Do you know how long I have been trying to wake you up? But no matter how much I kept hitting and hitting the back of your head, you wouldn't open your eyes at all..."

"Are you trying to wake me or kill me?!" Good grief, no wonder the back of my head was hurting like hell. My retort interrupted my assailant for a moment, but she then continued as if I had never spoken.

"A-Anyway Senpai! If you to want to sleep just sleep at home!"

 _At home. Right. And just who was it that has been preventing me from sleeping at home I wonder?_ I thought as I glared at the freeloader responsible for my insomnia. But knowing that it was pointless to point it out, I decided to get straight to the point.

"So, what is it this time Isshiki?"

"Mou, Senpai! Why are you making it sound like I only ever have work for you?"

In the corner of my eye, I could see Isshiki pouting cutely as she made her way around to the front of my desk. Then her lips twisted into a sly grin as she continued. "Well, you're not wrong though. Here."

A clipboard full of tasks to handle was forced into my hands.

"Haa..." I sighed as I scanned the contents, feeling pieces of my soul get crushed into dust by the slavery system I had found myself in. _Strange, I had neither a crest nor a collar, so why was I being forced to obey her every command?_ **[3]**

...

"Oi Isshiki, aren't most of these just manual labor? Can't you just ask Tobe for those sorts of things?" I complained while returning the clipboard to Isshiki.

"Erm... well..." Isshiki held the clipboard to her chest and started to fidget about as if she was embarrassed about something. "You see... the thing is... I actually already asked him but..."

 _But...?_

 _What, did Tobe refuse or something? That slacker! How dare he avoid work and make others take his place!_

I waited for Isshiki to confirm my conjecture, but rather than a verbal response, she chose to answer by pointing at the classroom door and walking towards it.

 _Hmm...?_

Following her out of the classroom, a horrifying scene presented itself before my eyes.

Buried under a large pile of boxes, a body was lying face down on the ground, completely motionless. _Wait, huh? Wasn't this Tobe?!_

Although his current lifeless state was the complete opposite of his normal state, his ridiculously flashy hairstyle was pretty unique among the students of this school so he was easy to recognize. And yet...

I felt my back turn cold as the murderer up ahead continued her explanation without displaying even a tiny shred of remorse.

"I just had him carry a few things around for me you knnoooow? And then he just suddenly collapsed like this, like seriously unbelievable!"

She then hopped over to my side and looked at me with upturned eyes full of expectation. "Well, it's times like this that I'm glad I have a reliable Senpai like Senpai. Right, Seennpaaiii?"

Normally I would have found those gestures to be slightly cute, a sweet Kouhai **[4]** depending on her Senpai for help when she was in trouble. But with the dead body still on full display behind her, Isshiki's hopeful expression just brought about a sense of extreme dissonance, striking my heart with nothing but fear.

I had to get away.

While shouting death flag raising lines like 'As if I would let myself be caught here!' within my head, I fired myself up to look for a means of escape.

It was at that moment.

Whether it was because of the sound of our footsteps or our voices, the corpse in the background stirred and slowly opened his eyes.

And as if he was burning up the last of his life force, Tobe Kakeru began to speak in a hoarse voice that was nothing like his original.

"...Hikitani... run... it's too late for me... just save yourself..."

 _...Tobe... you..._

Shamefully, a part of me thought that Tobe was cool at that moment. That small part of me couldn't help but want to apologize for thinking of such a great guy as a slacker.

On the other hand, the rest of me was too caught up in thoughts about how Tobe's new voice was far less grating on my ears, and couldn't help but wish he would stay this way forever.

But more importantly, after hearing a voice come from behind her, Isshiki sprang into action. Spinning around gleefully, she began to focus her wiles on the speaker.

"Oh Tobe-senpai! You're still alive? Etto... in that case... please also take care of erm..."

Isshiki looked at her clipboard and began writing on it while muttering "this... and this... and this..."

 _Urgh!_ I winced inside my head as I watched Isshiki slowly pick out a workload that was way too much for even a healthy individual to handle, much less some guy on the verge of death. But wait, this was no time to be calmly watching Tobe's death sentence get decided! After he dies I would be next!

As much as it irked me to be following Tobe's instructions, for once I was in full agreement. Silently and hastily, I began my escape while Isshiki was still distracted by Tobe.

* * *

A few minutes later, I found myself standing in front of the Service Club room.

Even though I had run away without thinking about any destination in particular, my legs apparently remembered the course they were used to taking.

...

 _Hmmm... was there actually any point in coming here?_

Yuigahama should still be in the infirmary.

And Komachi should have received my message and went home.

Which meant that the bug which kept following her around wouldn't be there either, not that it mattered.

That just left Yukinoshita, but would she even be here by herself if none of the other club members were going to show up?

...

Yep, she definitely would. That was how it was in the beginning after all. And out of all the club members, Yukinoshita was probably the only one who earnestly wanted to fulfill the requests of the student body. The others were here for far less noble reasons, such as yuri skinship, keeping an eye on her older brother, getting closer to someone's little sister, and keeping an eye on a poisonous insect.

But even so, I hesitated.

 _'Isn't it something you ought to solve on your own?'_

...she wasn't going to say something like that right?

 _*gulp*_

No, since I was already here anyway, I should at least give it a shot. Thus I entered the room and called out to her.

"Oi, Yukinoshita, I need your help."

"Ah, Hikigaya-kun. You are here at last. Just give me a moment." Yukinoshita responded as she began to pack away a stack of papers she had been reading through. _Were they her homework assignments?_ No, rather than that...

" 'At last' you say? Didn't you receive my message?"

 _Did Zaimokuza ditch his mission? Or did Isshiki capture him before he could carry it out?_

Wondering if that was the case, I started to feel a bit sorry for Yukinoshita who had been sitting here all this time, waiting for me to show up...

"Message? Ah you must be talking about that. Don't worry Hikigaya-kun, we received your message loud and clear." Yukinoshita replied in an attempt to clear up my worries, with a strangely pleasant smile that for some reason, started to give me another set of worries. "Rather than that, can you come over here for a moment?"

Something felt off. But since I was short on time, I pushed those thoughts aside and complied. I was here to ask for help, so it was best not to needlessly provoke Yukinoshita if possible.

Then, without any warning, both of my hands were grabbed.

 _Eh?! Wait! What's with this love comedy development?_

Why was Yukinoshita suddenly holding onto my hands with a smile on her face?

 _Was I being pranked?_

 _Oh no, oh no._ I could feel my hands starting to sweat. And I was starting to become acutely aware of the various pressures that were being applied on them.

The soft, warm sensations of Yukinoshita's fingers moving about, and the cold, hard sensations of something wrapping around my wrists...

 _Wait, cold and hard?_

 _AHHH!_

I tore my gaze away from Yukinoshita's mesmerizing facial features and found that my hands had been handcuffed. **[5]**

"Oi! What is the meaning of this?!" I asked the girl in front of me who was doing a fist pump in celebration.

Then, rather than answering my question, Yukinoshita looked over my shoulders, towards the door of the Service Club room.

"Isshiki-san, you can come in now. I have captured him."

A dreadfully familiar voice came back in response.

"Ah Yukino-senpai, good work. I will take it from here."

Various dots suddenly connected. I really should have realized it earlier when I saw that the only remaining tasks on Isshiki's clipboard were those involving manual labor. After all, there was a person right here who could complete every task flawlessly unless it required physical stamina.

"Yukinoshita! You betrayed me!" I yelled while glaring at her with a heart full of vengeance. I had written her name plenty of times in my notebook of people I will never forgive, but this time I would mean it!

Yet as expected, this level of anger didn't even faze Yukinoshita. Rather than showing any signs of guilt over her actions, Yukinoshita glared straight back at me with a righteous fury that dwarfed my own.

"Hmph! Just who is betraying who here?! Hikigaya-kun... have you forgotten what the very purpose of this club is?"

Although the tone of her voice was level, the rage in her eyes caused me to lose my nerves and stammer out a meek response.

"...T-to fulfill the student body's requests?"

Apparently that was the response she expected, for Yukinoshita broke into a grin that was half victory, half suppressed anger.

"Exactly! And yet you sent that message full of intent to escape your duties. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"N-No, but... but!" I struggled to find something to say, but in this case, Yukinoshita was 100% right. Those were the club duties, so it was only natural that I should-

 _Wait, no!_

I was almost convinced for a moment there, overwhelmed by Yukinoshita's passion, but actually, she wasn't completely right! There was a big disconnect between what she was saying and the current situation!

"Didn't you say it yourself? The purpose of this club is to teach people how to fish, not give them fishes!" I rebutted, throwing Yukinoshita's own words back at her. "Yet what is with this situation? Haven't we been just giving fishes to Isshiki recently? Are these really the club duties you envisioned?!"

Yukinoshita fell silent, her brain desperately processing my logic and trying to refute it. But those were her own words. It was a logically sound argument that was impossible to refute.

Miraculously, I had stumbled upon a glimmer of hope. Now that logic was on my side, I could use it to recruit Yukinoshita over too. Then maybe... just maybe... I could escape from this nightmarish situation.

"I... I..." as Yukinoshita struggled to find words, my hope blossomed. As expected, logic was supreme, the one truth in the world that could persuade any rational human being to do the right thing.

But right then, sensing that Yukinoshita was wavering, Isshiki butted into our conversation with fake tears in her eyes as she clung to Yukinoshita's sleeve.

"Neeee... Yukino-senpai... don't tell me... you intend to abandon me to fend for myself? I... I don't think I can..."

And in light of that clearly superficial emotional appeal that was devoid of any logic whatsoever, Yukinoshita-

"Of course not!"

-gave in immediately.

Logic is dead. **[6]**

* * *

As a result, Yukinoshita left the room to resume doing the paperwork for the student council, while I was left alone in the room with Isshiki.

Thankfully, since manual labor was obviously impossible while my hands were cuffed, my handcuffs had been removed once Yukinoshita handed me over to Isshiki. But that didn't change the fact that I was still cornered.

 _Damn it._

Feeling all of my energy leave my body, I promptly sat down in the chair next to me. This was Yukinoshita's seat, but I no longer cared.

"Now then, Senpai. Won't you hurry up and give up?"

Ah. Yes.

I will give up.

Now that things had progressed to this stage, escape was no longer an option. I had no choice but to give up on escaping.

After this, Isshiki would definitely try to work me to the bone.

I made my resolve.

 _My resolve..._

That is, my resolve to not work!

Folding my arms and closing my eyes, I became a motionless statue, impervious to all of Isshiki's sly tactics.

In the first place, the main reason I kept getting roped into doing work for Isshiki was because she kept unintentionally imitating Komachi's gestures and antics. Whenever I saw those, my onii-chan instincts would kick in and I would automatically agree to help.

So as long as I could avoid looking at Isshiki, I would be safe! _Probably..._

"Hey! Don't ignore me Senpai!"

I felt a pair of hands grab my sleeve and tug at them, but with just Isshiki's physical strength, I would never budge.

 _Huhuhu! Don't underestimate a Hikki's ability to refuse to move!_ **[7]**

"Seeennnpaiii! The longer you wait, the less time you will have to complete today's tasks you know?"

 _Guh! Psychological attacks were unfair!_

But if it was just this much, I could still endure. Thus I remained motionless, tensing up my arm and back muscles to resist Isshiki's tugging motions amidst the endless stream of "Senpai!", "Senpai!"

Suddenly, I felt another pair of hands grab my other sleeve.

 _Huh? Who else was grabbing me?_

Opening my eyes, I saw Isshiki on my right, grabbing onto my right arm and pulling with all her might.

And on my left, Isshiki was grabbing onto my left arm, pulling with all her might.

 _Huh?!_

"Wait, why are there two Isshikis?!" I exclaimed in surprise.

"Haah? Who cares about something like that Senpai!" said the Isshiki on my right.

"Yeah, don't change the subject! Hurry up and get to work Senpai!" continued the Isshiki on my left.

 _'Something like that'?_ No matter how you looked at it, something impossible was taking place here! As if I could just dismiss it easily like that!

But then-

"Senpai, take responsibility!"

-a sudden third voice came from right behind me, pushing those thoughts out of my head. The speaker was so close that I could literally feel her breath on my ear, causing me to shriek and jump out of my chair.

Hurriedly, I fled to the edge of the room and stood with my back leaning out the window. My ears were my weak spot, I couldn't let any Isshiki get close to it.

As I continued to guard my ears in a state of panic, more and more Isshikis entered the room, joining the ever growing swarm that was shouting and grabbing at my sleeves. At this point everything was in such a pandemonium that I could no longer understand the words each individual was saying. The only word I could recognize was the repeated calls of "Senpai!" that were interpersed amongst the cacophony.

I couldn't afford to let this mayhem continue on.

"Enough! What do you all want with me?!"

The crowd fell silent.

Then one Isshiki spoke up.

"Mou, what's with that attitude Senpai?"

"Yeah, you are making it sound-"

"-Like we are asking you for a lot here."

"What we want is only one thing."

After talking in relay like a certain radio network **[8]** , the Isshikis looked at each other to confirm agreement before answering.

"Everything."

" " Everything. " "

" " " Everything. " " "

" " " " Everything. " " " " **[9]**

With each repetition of that horrifying answer, the number of Isshikis in the room multiplied, pushing me further and further out of the open window.

"Wait, stop! It's dangerous! Whoa!"

My feet slipped and I fell out the window. **[10]**

But before I could even brace myself for what I thought was an inevitable death, something broke my fall. Rather than crashing into the ground and going splat, my body safely rolled down a long uneven slope until it finally reached the ground.

For an instant, I felt gratitude towards whatever object had so nicely prevented my death. Then I saw what it was.

A mountain of boxes.

Countless boxes, stacked on top of one another unevenly in a giant disorganized mess.

"Ah, as expected of Senpai, you found our new equipment already!" remarked an Isshiki that was looking out the Service Club room's window.

"Just hurry up and carry all of them over to the student council room by today okay?" ordered another Isshiki that was doing the same.

 _Was she insane?!_

Putting aside whether it was even possible for one person to move all these boxes in one day, how did this person think this mountain of boxes could possibly fit in that small student council room?! Even without measuring, I could tell that the total volume of these boxes was somewhere around the size of my house, so it was clearly impossible!

...

After a brief moment of contemplation, I gave up on the task and ran. Behind me, I could hear the furious cries of the Isshikis as they fearlessly jumped out of the window in pursuit.

* * *

And so, I found myself on the run with a large number of Isshikis hot on my heels.

But if I just ran around blindly like last time, there was a good chance I would be caught again.

Where should I go?

The bicycle rack? No, it was too dangerous. I would be surrounded and caught while fumbling with my bike lock.

The school gate? While it would be nice to reach it at some point, heading there directly was too obvious. I would be read like a book and ambushed.

In the distance, the sounds of tennis balls being hit presented a different alternative, but I rejected it immediately. There was no way I would forgive myself if I brought danger to Totsuka.

With that in mind, I chose to run in the opposite direction.

And as I rounded the corner, a familiar face came into view.

"Yo Hikitani, are you training for this year's marathon too?"

I stared at the riajuu who was sporting an infuriating smile, the soccer team captain who was casually speaking with me without any shortness of breath despite how fast we were running. In particular, I stared at the jersey he was wearing, an attire that was properly designed for athletic activities.

In contrast, I was still dressed in the normal school uniform, with the exception of the blazer that had been ripped off in the earlier chaos. So how Hayama arrived at his conclusion was beyond my understanding.

For better or worse, I didn't need to answer him. Behind us, the crowd of Isshikis chasing me rounded the corner as well, letting out an intense wave of pressure that quickly drew Hayama's attention.

"I see..." he muttered, replacing his superficially friendly smile with a patronizing one, all while giving me a look of understanding.

 _Just what was he smiling about?_

I wanted to ask, but conserving my breath was more important.

Unfortunately, like many riajuus, Hayama would not take silence as answer.

"Still, is this really okay, Hikigaya?"

It seems he intended to continue probing until he received a response, so I gave in and spoke in between breaths.

"Shut up. I... don't need... to outrun... her. I just... need to... outrun... you!" **[11]**

If I could just outrun Hayama, the Isshikis would become distracted by him, buying time for my escape.

Nodding in understanding, Hayama casually moved his gaze between me, our pursuers, and our front, and for then some reason, decided to encourage me. "Well, try your best."

Wondering what he was looking at, I noticed a gap in the cloudy skies up ahead. And through it, the sun's rays shone through, shining down upon a certain individual who was far ahead of us. As she stood alone in the one spot not covered by the clouds' shadows, the sunlight reflected off her hair, giving it a resplendent, golden color that commandeered the gazes of everyone around her.

And recognizing that individual, Hayama called out to her.

"Yumiko!"

Hearing her name called, the girl turned around to face us. Her olive green eyes focused on us, renewing my determination to live on.

Miura Yumiko.

One of the few people who exuded the rare Isshiki repelling aura. Yet somehow, at the same time, Miura was currently exuding an aura of welcome. As her arms stretched out towards us, I began to hallucinate a field of green behind her, covered in tall grasses that would caress one's skin, tempting people to just lay down upon it and forget all their worries. **[12]**

A utopia unfolded before my eyes, forming a paradise that was sickeningly idyllic and perfect in every way. And as Miura continued to gaze in our direction, I became lost in her eyes, momentarily lulled into entertaining the foolish notion that her welcome might extend to me as well.

But of course, her gaze was meant for only one person.

"Hayatooo!" She yelled back while beckoning and waving her hands towards only the riajuu beside me. It was questionable whether or not she had even noticed my presence.

And as if he had received a boost of energy from her actions, Hayama suddenly picked up speed and ended our conversation.

"But Hikigaya, you know, I'll win. That's me, after all."

Within seconds, Hayama had reached the goal. Together with Miura, the two of them left hand-in-hand, towards their happy ending for two that allowed no one else.

My hallucinations of a green paradise instantly shattered, being replaced by the brown dirt that slammed into my face as I tripped over my own leg.

* * *

As I lay on the ground groaning while trying to catch my breath, an unexpected voice boomed from above.

"What a wretched sight, Hikigaya Hachiman!"

It was a voice filled with such Chuunibyou that I could determine the speaker even without seeing his face, yet I chose to roll over anyway so I could see him.

Zaimokuza.

"Why are you here?"

 _Weren't you supposed to be on a mission, or captured by Isshiki or something?_

"A foolish question, Hikigaya Hachiman! As my one true comrade, is it not only natural for me to appear by your side whenever you are in trouble?"

 _Ugh._

I knew he was saying something cool and reliable.

I knew that but...

The way he said 'one true comrade' was similar to how one would say 'one true love', so I couldn't help but feel grossed out instead.

Plus, even though he was being needlessly pumped up at the moment, I couldn't forget that Zaimokuza was someone who had been defeated by Isshiki before. I couldn't blindly place my trust in him.

Pointing towards the crowd of Isshikis in the distance, I asked: "Do you even have a plan for that?"

"Fumu," Zaimokuza said while adjusting his glasses with one hand. **[13]** "Your lack of faith wounds me, Hachiman! I was merely caught off guard that one time. This time will be different! Behold!"

Zaimokuza proceeded to take out a trenchcoat from his schoolbag. It looked exactly the same as the trenchcoat he was always and still currently wearing, but seemed one size larger.

"TITAN TRANSFORMATION!" **[14]** Zaimokuza shouted while crossing his arms to form a plus sign **[15]** , and then he put on his second trenchcoat.

...This Chuuni was mixing up his TV shows.

But more importantly, was there any meaning behind his actions?

Sure, now that he had put on another layer of clothing, Zaimokuza had become slightly bigger than normal. But it wasn't as if he had put on a power suit or boarded a giant mecha. He had just put on a very ordinary trenchcoat. Rather than boosting any of his physical abilities, such a coat could only drag him down.

As if on cue, sweat began to pour out like a fountain from Zaimokuza's body. Even if today was fairly cloudy, with so many layers of clothing on him, Zaimokuza had to be feeling like he was in a sauna.

And seeing how much sweat was flooding out of his body, even I started to get concerned. I didn't want any of his sweat to get sprayed on me after all.

While backing away slowly to get out of the splash zone, I spoke in an attempt to stop him: "Oi Zaimokuza, isn't this enough?"

"Humu. Not yet, Hachiman. It starts from here. WALL ZAIMOKUZA!" **[16]**

Right after saying that, Zaimokuza began moving his arms about wildly, making a series of nonsensical hand signs. **[17]**

 _No, you're still mixing up your TV shows there._

Or rather, I was amazed he could make all of those exaggerated movements while wearing those trenchcoats. Thanks to all of that exercise, I could actually see a layer of semi-transparent liquid growing outwards from Zaimokuza's body, enveloping him like some sort of membrane.

 _Hmm...?_ Actually... even if he had gotten worked up, wasn't this much sweat physically impossible?

The moment I thought that, the liquid membrane started to expand rapidly, extending outwards from Zaimokuza until it formed a semi-transparent wall that blocked the path between me and the Isshikis.

Naturally, I was stunned speechless by this unbelievable Chuunibyou-ish development.

And so were the Isshikis, who had thought they would finally catch me, only to find a strange wall in their way.

 _Was... was I perhaps saved?_

But then, one of the Isshikis reached for the top of the wall in an attempt to climb over it. Unfortunately, while Zaimokuza was certainly tall, he was no 50 meter titan. Thus Isshiki easily managed to place her hand on top of the wall. And at that moment, I received a grim reminder that- **[18]**

-Or not!

Right after her hand made contact with the wall, Isshiki immediately pulled her hand back, reflexively recoiling as if she had touched a pot of boiling water. And perhaps she would have been better off if the wall really was a pot of boiling water, because the sudden removal of her hand was probably the worst thing she could have done.

Due to how much force she had applied, a part of the wall broke off, reverting back into its slimy liquid state and splashing all over Isshiki.

 _This... this was..._

Even I, who was just watching from far away, felt extreme levels of disgust at what I just witnessed.

So I could not even begin to imagine what was going through Isshiki's mind as she slowly came to comprehend what had just occurred. Since the mysterious liquid was covering her from head to toe, she could not even scream, lest the fluids enter her mouth. But the look in her eyes was enough to convey the amount of tortured screaming that was going on within her head, as she quickly ran off, presumably to find some gasoline so she could light herself on fire.

I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach. Zaimokuza's wall was so gross its very existence should be an international human rights violation.

More importantly though, the rest of the Isshikis were now backing away from the wall in a mixture of horror and disgust. Even though the first Isshiki had made a small dent in the wall with her sacrifice, it wasn't big enough for anyone to pass through, and none of the remaining Isshikis were willing to go anywhere near it after witnessing the terrible fate that fell upon the first Isshiki.

"Fuhahaha! Behold, my invincible barrier!"

 _No no, with that hole in it your barrier was clearly not invincible..._

 _...But it was effective._

I had no idea how Zaimokuza had suddenly become so reliable, but I knew one thing.

 _I... I was saved!_

And so, with feelings of gratitude overwhelming my feelings of disgust, I thanked Zaimokuza from the bottom of my heart.

"Thanks, man! Love ya, Zaimokuza!"

"No need for thanks, my one true comrade. For I love ya too!"

"Shaddup, that's gross!"

 _Oh crap._ My feelings of disgust won out in the end.

 _It wasn't my fault! He just suddenly called me his 'one true comrade' again so I lost control for a moment!_

But that momentary lapse turned out to be fatal.

"...Gr-Gross?!" Zaimokuza stammered in shock, as if he had been struck by lightning.

Sensing danger, I tried to retract my words.

"W-Wait! Zaimokuza, that's not what I-"

"I see... so I'm gross... too gross for even my one true comrade..." Zaimokuza began to wobble unsteadily as his ego collapsed. And along with him, the wall began to wobble and collapse as well.

"No! No that's not true! You're not gross, I really love ya! I love ya Zaimokuza!" I yelled in panic, but it seems Zaimokuza was no longer listening.

As if all of his earlier vigor was a lie, the current Zaimokuza simply curled into a ball on the ground and stopped moving.

It was no good.

In his attempt to deny the cruel reality I had revealed to him, Zaimokuza had retreated into his own little world and shut off all outside communication.

And without Zaimokuza maintaining it, the wall finally disintegrated and evaporated into thin air, leaving no trace behind.

* * *

My life on the run resumed.

But now I had lost all my allies. There was no longer anyone I could rely on for assistance. And my running speed had fallen to the point where the crowd of Isshikis was just meters behind me.

I was just barely managing to stay out of their reach.

If there was any consolation, it was the fact that I was now much closer to the school gates.

Soon, I would leave the school grounds. And then, with some luck, I would find a safe place in the city to stay the night.

 _...a safe place... to stay the night?_

I was hit with a sudden sense of deja vu.

It felt like I was forgetting something very important.

While thinking that, I noticed another oddity in the skies up ahead.

In just one spot, the clouds were dark. Stormy. Ominous.

Yet strangely, I felt myself pulled towards it, with a force much stronger than it had been with the earlier gap in the clouds.

After all, rather than the sunny skies which brought forth skin cancer, the stormy skies that brought forth water, the miracle of life, was far, far more welcoming.

And under those stormy skies, a familiar ponytail came into view. It's owner, a tall busty girl with a large frown on her face, was currently leaning on the school gate, as if she was waiting for someone.

Seeing that, my memories began to connect.

There was still someone left.

She was a classmate of mine.

Someone I had come to know of very well.

Someone I had asked to wait for me at the school gates.

Someone who could turn this entire situation around.

 _Her name..._

 _Her name was..._

"Kawasaki!"

Hearing someone suddenly call out her name from a distance, Kawasaki reacted reflexively.

Pointing a terrifying glare in my general direction, Kawasaki unleashed the full force of her delinquent aura as she responded with the one syllable that has struck more fear into the hearts of our fellow students than any other.

"Aa?"

Under her piercing gaze, the swarm of Isshikis stiffened before fleeing in terror. And frankly, if I had not known what Kawasaki was like, I would have fled as well.

But since I did know, I continued to charge forward, regaining my energy as I regained my freedom.

"Kawasaki!"

I called out again, this time from close enough that she could recognize me.

"Y-You! Just how long do you think I have been waiting for- Hyah!?"

Kawasaki was still in the middle of her sentence, but I didn't care. I felt so much joy, so much gratitude, that I immediately hugged her.

"Kawasaki! I love ya! I love ya I love ya I love ya! I love ya so much!" I shouted while breaking down in relief.

"Hyah... wait... stop..." Kawasaki made a few feeble wriggling motions as she attempted to escape my embrace. But I wouldn't let her go. I wouldn't repeat the mistake I had made with Zaimokuza.

"I love ya I love ya I love ya... I will always love ya... so please don't go anywhere... please always stay by my side... I love ya I love ya I love ya..."

* * *

 **References, references everywhere! I kinda went overboard seeing as it was a joke chapter of sorts, so kudos if you understood all of them without reading these footnotes.**

 **[1] Reference to "Clannad", a visual novel/anime where the MC Tomoya is an evil troll, constantly playing mean tricks on his buddy Sunohara. Telling him that the world had ended was just one of his many pranks.  
**

 **[2] Reference to the "Haruhi" series. At one point, the MC Kyon wakes up in school and finds himself in a special place called "Closed space", where the skies are always gray.**

 **[3] Slave crests and slave collars are common mechanisms for magically enforcing obedience in various fantasy stories.**

 **[4] "Kouhai" is to "underclassman" as "Senpai" is to "upperclassman".**

 **[5] Reference to the "Oreimo" anime/light novel. In particular the the character Ayase, who shares the same VA as Yukino, and likes to handcuff the MC. It's a long story lol.**

 **[6] To be read in the same manner one would read the phrase "God is dead." D=**

 **[7] "Hikki" is Yui's nickname for 8man, but it can also be interpreted as an abbreviation for "Hikkikomori", which is a term used to describe people who stay indoors all day and stubbornly refuse to leave their homes, or even their rooms.**

 **[8] Reference to the "Toaru Majutsu no Index" series. In one of the volumes, a large number of clones calling themselves a sort of radio network speak in this manner.**

 **[9] Reference to "Delusion Express", the opening song of the "Otorimonogatari" arc of the "Monogatari" anime series. Erm, you kinda have to see it to get it. Don't worry, it's only 1.5 minutes long and should be available on youtube!  
**

 **[10] Reference to "The Disappearance of Suzumiya Haruhi" movie. As the MC Kyon finds himself being flooded with Haruhi's endless issues, he gets pushed out the clubroom window by the sheer volume of it all.**

 **[11] This is actually a very common joke, but I figured it was something 8man would agree with considering its underhanded nature (at least whenever it suits him lol).**

 **[12] For readers interested in an alternate universe story where 8man does get to frolick about in these fields of green, good news. It exists on this very site XD.**

 **[13] Reference to the "Log Horizon" anime, where main characters are ALWAYS looking cool by adjusting their glasses. Well to be fair, "Log Horizon" isn't really the first story to do that, but it does hype it up an insane amount.**

 **[14] Reference to the "Attack on Titan" anime/manga, where some humans can transform into gigantic titans.**

 **[15] Reference to the "Ultraman" series, where the human? hero can transform into a huge giant.**

 **[16] Another reference to "Attack on Titan". In that story, the humans are protected by three walls called "Wall Rose", "Wall Maria", and "Wall Sina".**

 **[17] Reference to the "Naruto" anime. Specifically, the "Wood Locking Wall" jutsu.**

 **[18] Yet another reference to "Attack on Titan". Receiving a grim reminder is what happened to humanity as the Colossal Titan placed its hand on top of the wall, right before he kicked a giant hole in it.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: This chapter was inspired by BigKokujin's yandere fanfic, which recently came back to life (woohoo! XD). I wanted to write something similar, but with far less obvious romance involved, so this was the result.**

 **There was so much horror in this one chapter, that I'm not entirely sure which is the most terrifying moment. There was worked-to-death Tobe, Yukino's handcuffs, Iroha's "everything", Zaimokuza's mysterious liquids, and finally the iconic "Aa?" XD Or maybe the most terrifying moment was actually being hugged by someone who kept screaming "I love ya" over and over and refusing to let you go lol.**

 **And while I'm dropping shocking moments one after another, I feel I should do one more.**

 **The next chapter is going to mark the end of the stay over.**

 **After that is just the epilogue and a few bonus chapters.**

* * *

Many thanks to the readers who have continued to follow this story so far, even though I have been randomly delaying it for months without warning.. whoops? I promise it will be completed before the year ends though!

Anyway... this is where I normally respond to the reviews, but wow there were a lot this time O_O. And surprisingly, they were far more positive than I expected. Perhaps my own opinions were colored by the fact that I saw the initial draft of the drama (kinda unavoidable as the one writing it), where 8man looked far, far more evil. Even after countless edits to try and remove that vibe, it still showed up whenever I put on my cynicism goggles :(.

So yeah, in the end I decided to confine all of the drama to a single chapter so that people could easily skip it. I couldn't actually not do the chapter though, since some of 8man's lines (probably the ones people found very passionate and OOC), were needed for the epilogue. So it was a good thing people enjoyed the drama chapter in the end :).

JudicarDeimos: Regarding how Kawasaki calls Yuigahama and Miura, admittedly she isn't quite there yet in the canon storyline. But I figure that with Ebina tying the three of them together, it should only be a matter of time, and this fanfic does take place in their 3rd year, so they have had that time.

Also, the fact that the theory "8man is just here to harass Taishi" is full of holes is actually an important detail. Because it was an unlikely theory, Kawasaki only started suspecting that it was the case after a long process of elimination, after 8man's various strange actions seemingly disproved most of the other possible explanations for his stay over. And because it was an unlikely theory, Kawasaki was also able to easily give it up after talking with 8man.

And finally, agreed =D regarding how Kawasaki doesn't need to 'break' 8man to get together with him.

Loner-kun: I'm fairly sure that Taishi is already doing that though, even in canon lol.

V-Zhan: That was an eye-opening interpretation for me O_O. Admittedly, I never thought of it that way, but now that you mentioned it, it does fit strangely well with everything I have written so far. For that matter, it even fits strangely well with some of 8man's interactions with Kawasaki in the canon light novels O_O.

P.S. Yo ArmantusCumPinnae, I heard you like other characters, so I went nuts and put in a ton of them in this chapter!


	18. Rebirth and Naming

Rebirth and Naming

"-ve... ya... nngh?"

I blinked as an unfamiliar ceiling came into view.

 _...Oh._

So it was a dream after all.

Well of course it was. As if anything that fantastic could happen in real life.

Curling up under the blanket, I briefly attempted a return to dreamland, an attempt to reminisce in those pleasant delusions one last time, before they rapidly faded away as dreams do.

Unfortunately, those actions had a side effect of rotating my field of vision, so I was immediately greeted by a horrifying sight.

It was the wall next to the bed I was on.

Well no, the wall wasn't the problem. The problem was what was covering the wall.

Hundreds... no, thousands... of gruesome, disgusting insect photos...

 _..._

 _...Where in blazes was I?_

 _What the hell was this place supposed to be?_

 _Was this some sort of strange biology research lab?_

 _Did I get abducted by aliens last night?_

 _Or worse... did I get abducted by Isshiki?_

This wall like, totally, made zero sense!

...

Just as I was about to completely lose my head, the memories of last night returned and filled me in on my current whereabouts.

 _...I see._

I was still in the bug's room, exactly where I had gone to bed last night.

No abductions had occurred, and no clipboards were in sight.

As that simple fact sank into my mind, my spirits rose into the clouds.

Jumping out of the bed with more energy than I had ever done in my life, I proceeded to lean out the open window, gazing towards the warm, sunny skies.

I inhaled deeply, relishing in the fresh, morning air while enjoying the sounds of birds singing cheerfully in the distance. It felt as if mother nature herself was joining me in celebration. I couldn't remember the last time I felt this refreshed... this... _alive_.

It felt... it felt as if I had been reborn! A new me, one freed from the shackles of corporate slavery!

We are often told that we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone, but I believe the opposite holds true as well. We don't appreciate what we don't have until we gain it!

For years, the middle school me had read light novels and complained to himself.

 _Why couldn't a non-blood related teenage girl fall out of the skies and end up cohabitating with me like in these stories?_

 _Why couldn't I be like the harem protagonists of those stories_?

I had wanted so badly to be woken up by a tsundere maid, one who would tell me it would be better if I never woke up. **[1]**

I had never appreciated how wonderful it was to not have a non-blood related teenage girl wake you up every morning

Those foolish delusions were only shattered when I actually began cohabitating with a non-blood related teenage girl.

While she certainly did wake me up everyday, there was neither tsun nor dere **[2]** , just endless amounts of work, and I truly began to think it would be better if I never woke up.

But today. Today I had finally returned to not having a non-blood related teenage girl wake me up in the morning. Returned to the natural method of being awakened by the brightness and warmth of sunlight rather than a clipboard to the face.

A cool breeze entered through the window, lifting up both my bangs and my spirits. Everything in the room felt like it was sparkling. Well, except for the choice of wallpaper, but that was merely a minor blip. Today, every problem I faced would surely be a breeze. Nothing could bring me down today.

And it was all thanks to the sleeping beauty on the bed to my right. This guardian angel who had stayed by my side all night, protecting me from the terrors which had plagued me every night since the start of the year.

This wonderful girl... _K-... K-... what was her name again?_

...Oh well, no matter. For this reborn me, not knowing someone's name presented no problems at all. The most important thing right now was to express my overwhelming feelings of gratitude!

As those pure and noble thoughts marched across my mind, I began to feel an impulsive urge to give this sleeping beauty a morning kiss, a friendly greeting to rouse her from her slumber.

Yet, as I walked over to her side, it became apparent that my impulses would go unfulfilled.

For although this fairy tale princess was staying perfectly still, almost as if she was encased in a block of ice, there were two telltale signs that she was already awake: her delicate hands, tightly clutching on to the edge of her blanket with deadly crushing force, and her wide open eyes, beautifully decorated with multiple lines of red blood.

Rather than awakened, perhaps it was more accurate to say that this girl had never slept in the first place.

 _Ah~ah. I knew this would happen._

Making his brocon older sister sleep in his own bed... of course there was no way she could have gotten any sleep.

That insect had certainly gotten smarter, but it was no good if he kept making plans which sacrificed people like this.

But well, that too was no problem for the current me. This generous and kind-hearted moi could simply go teach that insect a thing or two later! Rather, my top priority at the moment should be to confirm the well-being of this beautiful princess before me.

Waving my hand in front of the frozen girl's face, I extended the friendliest greeting within my loner vocabulary: "Oi... are you still alive?"

"Hyah!"

 _Ooh. That was a cute shriek my lady, did you perhaps forget that I was still in your house?_

The old me would have felt a little offended, but after being reborn, there was no way I would be fazed over something this small.

"Yo." I said gallantly as I pulled my hand away from her, brushing back my disheveled bangs to get a better look at her condition while simultaneously indicating that I meant no harm. "Are you alright?"

My lady's gaze rapidly switched between me and the open window. Her facial expression followed suit, rapidly switching between various emotions like panic and surprise, before finally settling into one of comprehension as the fact that it was already dawn finally dawned upon her.

"O-Oh. It's morning already... I... I have to prepare breakfast..."

Wobbling unsteadily, snow white attempted to get up from her bed. As if those actions were choreographed in advance, she propped herself up with her left hand while pulling off the covers with her right, causing her disheveled pajamas to be revealed and thrust forward in my direction.

Seeing those swaying motions before me, I was prompted to immediately avert my eyes like a gentleman. But any gentleman who would take his eyes off a frail damsel and risk letting her collapse without catching her was no gentleman at all. So there was no choice but to observe her carefully with all of my power.

And thus, through the gaps between the buttons, I witnessed a glimpse of the snow white mountains of heaven.

 _It seems that even the gods of romantic comedy have decided to join my celebration! Good Job!_

 _...Wait, no! Bad job! Bad bad job!_

"It's okay! It's okay! I will make breakfast!"

I quickly threw the blanket back on top of her and stopped her from getting up.

 _That... that was dangerous!_

Before this moment, I had always believed that the most indecent outfit of the bedroom was either the semi-transparent babydoll or the leather dominatrix outfit. **[3]**

 _To think that all along, the true champion had been the everyday, ordinary button-up pajamas._

It was so deviant. Devious. Ingenious.

How in the world had something this risque even become the norm?

How had the creators of button-up pajamas brainwashed the populace into thinking that this utterly unwholesome line of clothing, clothes with an entire line of holes right down the center even when fully buttoned, were innocent and chaste?

I suppose that in fairness, the force of gravity would keep those holes tightly shut while the wearer was standing up, serving as a powerful defense mechanism against lustful eyes... However! That force of gravity would only pull in the right direction while one was standing upright. It was a defective mechanism that fell apart as soon as one laid down. And the buttons which served as the last line of defense were just as defective, easily coming undone from a night of tossing and turning.

The more I thought about it, the more it became apparent that these button-up pajamas were literally clothes which disintegrated while you continued to wear them. They were the stuff of ecchi anime fantasies brought into real life!

...

Thankfully, the girl in question was currently so sleep-deprived that she had not noticed anything wrong.

 _Really... were the romantic comedy gods trying to kill me?_

I mean, normally I would be the first to welcome lucky pervert situations, but it was a whole different story when it came to this girl.

For this girl alone, I would only welcome perverted events after she was willing.

...

 _'Cause you know, with a girl this strong, if she slaps me out of embarrassment I would instantly become a bloodstain on the wall..._ **[4]**

And so, while reflecting on how narrowly I had escaped death, I forcefully terminated my frivolous thought patterns and continued speaking. "Just- just try to get some more rest okay? You don't look so good."

I had to make sure that One-Slap Girl **[5]** stayed in bed until she was properly awake, or at least until I got out of slapping range.

Plus, it was true that she didn't look very well. A night of tossing and turning from the stimulation of being in your younger sibling's bed would do that to anyone. But between the bed with her younger sibling's scent, and the bed with her younger sibling actually in it, the former was clearly the best chance she had of getting any sleep.

"Oh. Ah. Then, I will take you up on your offer."

The girl responded weakly as she laid back down on the bed and closed her eyes.

Inwardly, I heaved a sigh of relief. To be honest, I had expected a bit more resistance since this girl was the type to worry about her hospitality as a host. But it seems that her current state of exhaustion had gotten the better of her.

Grabbing my school bag, I prepared to leave the bedroom and walked towards the exit. Only to stop the moment I touched the door handle.

This time, it wasn't a subconscious premonition of death which stopped me, but something else entirely.

...

 _Was... was this really fine?_

 _Was I really okay with just leaving like this?_

After leaving this room, the future that awaited me was undoubtedly one which involved cooking a meal for a bug and slaving away for a fake little sister. Obviously, each of these two reasons, even on their own, was more than enough to make me want to never leave the safety of this bedroom.

But there was something more.

For some strange, unfathomable reason, I felt... unsatisfied.

It wasn't enough.

I had not had enough yet.

I could not just let it end like this.

...

No, the reason was blatantly obvious once I gave it some thought.

Nay, that wasn't right either. I should confess that the reason had actually been as clear as day right from the start.

It was just that all this time, I had been pushing that very real possibility to the back of my mind, unwilling to give it the time of day. Even though it was obvious, even though there was no denying it, I was still reluctant to admit that it was true.

I had been avoiding it out of the fear that once I admitted it, it would really become true.

But now that things had reached this point, continuing to deny it would be downright foolish. Such actions would only hurt myself later on.

* * *

Thinking back, although my carelessness had certainly put me through a few dangerous situations during this stay over, everything had worked out in the end, and Isshiki had never shown up. In that sense, this stay over plan had been a resounding success.

Rather, the plan had been so successful that conversely, I felt suspicious instead. As much as I hated to admit it, most of my plans usually fell through from unforeseen events or had severe unexpected repercussions.

Yet this time, there weren't any signs of that at all. It felt almost as if halfway through, someone other than myself had joined in, orchestrating events from behind the scenes in order to make sure everything worked out the way they wanted...

Well, I was probably overthinking it. In the long history of plans I made ever since joining the service club, the plans involving this girl had always been more successful than the rest. Whether it was pointing her to a scholarship or finding chocolate recipes for her little sister, the negative side-effects that were common in my other plans were strangely missing in the plans for her.

Of course, it was not as if I was superstitious enough to believe something cheesy like this girl being my lucky charm or fated person or something like that. There were plenty of other, more scientific explanations for this trend. Yes, for example, it could simply be that since we both had long experiences as loners, we were able to understand each other's motives and actions with far more clarity, thus allowing us to effectively carry out plans without any misunderstandings.

In any case, thanks to the astounding success of the plan this time, I currently felt more refreshed and recharged than I had ever been before. My entire body was filled with so much excess energy that I felt ready to charge out the door right now and take on the world.

But if I did that, there was a good chance that I would never see this girl again. A hasty decision like that would bring me straight towards a bad ending.

And as much as I would have liked to continue living in my bubble of denial, thinking that everything would be alright, I had to come to grips with reality now. The reality that if I never saw this girl again, my future would almost certainly become one devoid of happiness.

This girl was the key to my happiness.

This one success... this one meeting with her... it wasn't enough.

It was not enough at all.

And right now, while it was just the two of us in this room, was the perfect chance to ask. Nay, it may very well be my one chance to ask.

I couldn't deny my suspicions anymore.

I had to admit it.

Admit the fact that no matter how great I felt right now, no matter how re-energized I was, it wouldn't last. I had to confront the uncomfortable truth that after a few weeks, Isshiki's endless demands would surely deplete all of my energy reserves once more. Then I would once again find myself trapped in the ultimate despair of corporate slavery.

With that horrible future looming in the distance, charging forth from here without any preparation would be the epitome of foolishness.

Rather than waiting until then, I had to act now, while my mind was still sound and while the opportunity was still present.

I returned to the side of the girl's bed.

This successful stay over plan. I couldn't just let it end here. I had to repeat it. Go through the stages again, asking for her permission so I could take refuge in this oasis once more.

And right now, the fact that the two of us were already alone in this room was a golden opportunity. For it meant that I could skip stage one, the stage which was the most dangerous in various meanings.

* * *

Thus I proceeded straight to stage two...

"Hey... er... erm..."

...faithfully and unintentionally replicating my previous actions right down to the fact that I once again spoke before remembering her name.

 _Dang it!_

 _What was it? What was it?!_

I berated myself.

 _Come on Hachiman-kun, your memory can't be this bad! You are full of energy now so this time you have no excuse!_

Would I have to resort to desperate begging once more?

I shuddered at the thought of such shameless behavior. Surely there was another way...

...wait! I got it!

I remembered!

Her name was Kurosaki Lace! **[6]**

...

 _...Am I an idiot?_

That was wrong no matter how I looked at it. If she really had such a foreign sounding name like 'Lace', there was no way that I would have forgotten it.

Not to mention, 'Kurosaki'? Just which shinigami was she supposed to be? **[7]**

The only thing that sounded right was the 'saki', which meant that this girl was Somethingsaki.

That was good. I remembered half of her family name now. It was progress!

Except well, I couldn't exactly just call her 'Somethingsaki' to her face, so that was no good after all.

...

...Or was it?

I guess there was still something I could try...

* * *

There are as many types of loners as there are loners, but if there exists one similarity among them, it would be the fact that they are almost never called by their names.

It was natural once you thought about it. After all, there are three large hurdles in the way, preventing such an event from ever occurring.

First, someone would need to overcome the loner's complete lack of presence before they could notice the loner's existence.

Then, that someone would need to actually have a good reason to call out to the loner, otherwise there was no way they would bother to do so.

Finally, that someone would need to actually know the loner's name in order to call them by it.

With such high hurdles in place, having someone call you by name is pretty much a once in a blue moon event for a loner.

Such events are so rare that conversely, loner ears usually become very sensitive to hearing their own names. They could become sensitive to the point where even a delusional chuuni like Zaimokuza could, in the middle of a noisy and crowded arcade center, hear his name being whispered from the other side of the room. Heck, it would not even need to be pronounced correctly. Simply hearing one or two matching syllables would cause Zaimokuza to come running.

Incidentally, having a name like mine was particularly bad, since I would occasionally hear random strangers saying "Hachi" or "Hachiman", only to later find out that they were talking about the number rather than calling me. **[8]**

 _Really, what were my parents thinking when they gave me this name?_

Thanks to that, my younger, naive self had fallen for this evil trap over and over. It took years before I realized the simple fact that no one could be calling my name, because no one knew it to begin with. And now that I thought about it, that was probably why I grew up to hate math so much...

But getting back to the point, since Somethingsaki also had years of experience as a loner, she should also have similarly oversensitive ears.

In that case, the fact that I knew a few syllables of her name was enough, since her loner ears would mishear and fill in the rest automatically.

After confirming the soundness of my logic, I called out to her.

" _*mumble*_ Saki."

Contrary to my expectations, the girl on the bed displayed a large reaction. Flinching with enough force to shake the entire bed, she stared at me with a strange expression of shock and... _something resembling disbelief?_

I wasn't sure what such an exaggerated reaction meant, but it did suggest one thing.

 _Crap! Was 'Saki' not part of her name either?_

I hurriedly attempted to correct my mistake.

"Sorry, was that-"

"N-No! There's no problem. It's alright. It's nothing. Hi- Hiki... Hachiman."

 _Oh. Good, it seems that 'Saki' was part of her name after all._

I was almost starting to have serious doubts about my memory capabilities.

 _..._

 _Wait what?! Did she just call me by my given name?!_

 _..._

 _W-w-w-w-why?_

 _W-w-w-what was going on?!_

My heart rate was thrown into turmoil, but not as much as my mental thoughts were.

Forget all the hurdles needed to call me by my family name, this girl had jumped straight to using my given name without any warning. And if being called by your family name was an ultra-rare event for loners, being called by your given name was orders of magnitude higher in rarity.

It was an event that just didn't happen.

Ever since I could remember, there were only three small groups of people who could call me by my given name:

1\. The few little children I knew who didn't know any better, who would choose to rudely address everyone by their given names without any honorifics simply because it was easier for their undeveloped minds to do so.

2\. The one annoying chuuni I knew who I would have been better off not knowing, who would choose to call me 'Hachiman' simply because it was required to fit their delusional reality that I was some reincarnation of the Great Bodhisattva Hachiman.

3\. My parents, who for better or worse, I didn't really know. And who really had no choice but to call me 'Hachiman', since using the name 'Hikigaya' in a room full of Hikigayas would clearly be an endless source of confusion.

Apart from these three groups who had strong, logical reasons for doing so, my given name had gone more or less completely unused throughout my entire life. Thus I had absolutely zero immunity to other people using it.

The one exception was Totsuka, and honestly, I would almost lose control over myself every time I heard his angelic voice breathing life into that number. The only reason I had not done so was because I knew that Totsuka was a guy.

But in this case...

I glanced at the blanketscape before me.

It was riddled with numerous ridges and valleys, minor differences in elevation caused by the long night of restless movements by the creature below. Yet there was a certain area whose elevation was different from the rest. An area near the top that, despite being suppressed by the thick blanket, continued to majestically tower over its surroundings, proudly asserting its existence and the fact that the person underneath was a 100% bona fide female.

Combined with the visage of heaven from earlier, I could feel my reason slowly melting into putty as my SAN points decreased. **[9]**

With every last fibre of my being, I struggled to find an explanation for this impossible event before it was too late.

 _What, did she forget what my family name was and so decided to use my given name instead?_

 _There was a limit to how rude one could be you know?!_

...

Well no, I guess that wasn't quite fair to her.

Although she had been a loner in the past, lately she had been spending her time with a whole group of people who consistently got my family name wrong. After hearing all of them repeatedly messing up my family name with such ridiculous variations like 'Hikki' or 'Hikitani' or 'Hikio', anyone would have become unsure about what my family name actually was.

So it was unavoidable.

It was unavoidable so...

 _...Calm down, my beating heart!_

This was no time for this!

 _Remember what you have to do!_

 _..._

Slowly, my SAN points recovered as I recalled my objective.

As much as I wanted to complain about the use of my given name, I was in no position to do so.

And so, after collecting myself, I finally popped the question.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Wait wait wait! I realize this isn't the ending she deserves, nor the ending you need, but there's still an epilogue and some bonus chapters to go! So don't press that unfavorite button yet x_X! This is just the last chapter in the sense that it is the end of the stay over, not the end of the story.**

 **On another note, Oregairu Fanfics can finally be tagged with Saki! With thanks to Judicar Deimos, I can now include the character I have been dying to include in this story's tags without misleading readers XD. Hehe.**

* * *

 **[1] Reference to an anime that is currently airing. And well, since it is currently airing, I probably shouldn't spoil the details I found out from reading the manga, sorry!  
**

 **[2] 'Tsun' means something like 'cold' or 'hostile', while 'dere' means something like 'like' or 'love'. By their powers combined, we get 'Tsundere'!  
**

 **[3] Have I not poisoned your minds enough with indecent outfits? Well, if you must know... Shizuka is wearing one of these in an eyecatch during the season one OVA. I actually don't know what the name of that specific outfit is called, which really bothers me :(. Is it called a catsuit? Someone tell me so I can replace "dominatrix outfit" with whatever it is :(.**

 **[4] [5] References to the "One-Punch Man" manga/anime. RIP Mosquito Girl.**

 **[6] 'Kuro' means 'Black'. *Waggles eyebrows* XD**

 **[7] Reference to "Bleach" manga/anime. Kurosaki is the family name of the protagonist, who becomes a 'shinigami' (death god).**

 **[8]** ** **Oh look, this is the 8th footnote. What a coincidence :P.** 'Hachi' means eight, while 'man' means ten thousand. Kinda the reason why Hachiman is referred to as "8man", and why that new popular fanfic author's name is "80K Hikigaya". **

**[9] SAN = Sanity. It's an actual stat in some RPGs out there, and losing it can cause your characters to... well... lose it. lol**

* * *

Wow there are people willing to read 18 chapters of this. I'm not sure how much gratitude a simple word of "Thanks" can convey, but a morning kiss won't happen.

So thanks for continuing to read this, and yes, as many of you guessed, the last chapter was a dream.

80K Hikigaya: Miss Understanding isn't enough, we need Mister Understanding too!

BentShuriken: Would be the shortest mahou shoujo story ever... since 8man would become a witch the instant he makes a contract with Kyuubey. Well, I do plan on doing some supernatural stories after completing this fic.

Judicar Deimos: 2 steps forward, 1 step back. :P

I am considering adding bonus chapters to show the other characters' perspectives, but the main issue is: How would I make such chapters funny? All I can say for now is: if I find a way, they will happen.


	19. Epilogue: Idiots, Traumas, and Aliens

**Author's Note: Here we go, long overdue epilogue. Between work and procrastination, I delayed this for so long that even Nisekoi's MC un-densed first. Can you believe it? NISEKOI O_O! NISEKOI un-densed first! *Buries face in shame*  
**

Epilogue: Idiots, Traumas, and Aliens  


And now, the punchline. **[1]**

After completing all of my preparations to escape from Isshiki, I found myself freed from the shackles of corporate slavery... for a reason that was completely unrelated to my schemes.

It seems that without her reliable onii-chan watching over her, a certain little sister's lips had gotten a bit loose about the Hikigaya household's circumstances.

Now, if that secret had been leaked to say, someone like Taishi or Yuigahama, the situation might still have been salvagable. They wouldn't agree with it, but nevertheless those two could probably be convinced to keep silent about it and maintain the status quo.

However, of all people, Komachi just had to let the cat out of the bag right in front of a certain cat-obsessed club president. Needless to say, the sudden appearance of this cat drove Yukinoshita into a frenzy.

Which was understandable.

An unrelated teenage boy and girl were living under the same roof. Not to mention the girl was the student council president. It was practically the setup for a perverted harem manga like situation where the big-boobed public morals committee chairman would not only overlook your indecent relationship, but join in herself. **[2]**

But in reality there was no way things would go that well. Even if nothing happened between us, not that there was a chance, the situation itself was already scandalous. If such a thing was ever revealed to the public, our school's reputation would crash and our high school diplomas would be devalued.

With such an ominous future looming ahead, Yukinoshita took immediate action, suggesting her own home as an alternative residence for Isshiki. She even suggested taking over all of my various Isshiki-related duties, since it was best to separate us in order to reduce suspicion. It was an offer from a beautiful senpai that was so full of care and concern, most of the girls at our school would have accepted immediately if they didn't first swoon and faint, and henceforth they would admiringly address Yukinoshita as 'Onee-sama'. **[3]** But frankly, none of that mattered to Isshiki.

The truly important part of the offer was that came complete with limousine rides to and from school.

It was an unexpected offer. The limousine in question was the very same one involved in the car accident during our first year. Even though we would never admit it, it had become something like a source of trauma for the three third year service club members, so I was quite surprised that Yukinoshita was willing to go so far. But since that accident had nothing to do with Isshiki, our traumas held no weight in her considerations.

Her options were simple: ride on the back of an uncomfortable bicycle designed for one person while being forced to push her chest into a creepy senpai's back just to hold on, or ride in the back of a luxurious limousine while sipping delicious tea and eating yummy snacks with a graceful senpai. Anyone could see that the latter was better for both Isshiki's convenience and image.

With no logical reason to refuse, Isshiki accepted the offer. She became Yukinoshita's problem and I was free to once again live in blissful solitude. To laze around in my loner spots without worrying about tasks to complete. To eat my lunches in peaceful silence, where my only companions would be the pleasant sea breeze and the picturesque view of an angel playing tennis in distance. There was also the occasional shout of "Yabai! Hina this is totz outta this world yaknow!", but there was no place within the school grounds where that voice could not be heard.

And so, after a few days of packing her things, Isshiki moved out. I thought I saw a hint of reluctance in her eyes as she left, but it was probably just my imagination. Rather, the eyes I should be worried about were the eyes which belonged to my parents. Upon hearing the news, the two of them had burst into tears of blood, crying a river of tears as if they had lost one of their children.

 _The two of you do remember that she isn't really your child right? I don't remember you two crying this much even when I was hospitalized by that limousine..._

With my parents displaying such a large reaction, I was worried that Komachi might also break down in tears, especially since it was her fault that Isshiki was leaving. Yet for some reason, Komachi didn't seem that affected. Instead of being stuck in low spirits like I was expecting, she quickly got over it and continued life as per normal. No, rather than normal, she seemed to have become far more lively and cheerful... especially whenever she was talking with Taishi.

 _Did that insect do something?_

 _...Onii-chan is worried... so worried._

But no matter how much I observed the two of them at school, it didn't seem like their relationship had changed very much. Certainly, Komachi was showering Taishi with a lot more praises recently, but rather than romance, it felt more like Taishi had changed his race from insect to gopher...

Asking Komachi directly at home didn't answer any of my questions either. It just prompted her to playfully nudge my head and call me an idiot, all with a wide, knowing grin on her face, before running off in a fit of giggles. Really, if she wasn't so adorable while doing that I would have thrown something at her.

* * *

More importantly though, there was one other person whose behavior had become incomprehensible as of late... in ways that were far more disruptive to my everyday life. It was a certain formerly icy individual who, despite being a former loner, was currently violating just about every loner custom in existence by following me around during breaks.

Perhaps due to Isshiki's training, my first impression was that she was trying to give me some task to complete. Yet no matter how much we talked, a work request never emerged. I was never asked to carry boxes around, or write essays for newsletters, or fix broken equipment that I really had no technical knowledge about.

As unbelievable as it sounded, it was almost as if she was staying by my side for the sole purpose of staying by my side.

I couldn't understand what was going through her head.

 _Did gaining friends somehow cause her to forget the rules of engagement?_

But the very idea was strange in itself because the loner code was ridiculously simple. While riajuus had a complex bro code with 150 rules describing the do's and don'ts of riajuu interactions **[3]** , there was only one fundamental rule for loner interactions:

1) DON'T _._

That was it.

Unless there was actual business to discuss, the lives of loners were best led in peaceful non-interaction.

This rule was so important, that loners would minimize their contact with one another by creating distinct non-overlapping territories and staying within them. The territories were even assigned on a first-come-first-serve basis so as to further avoid interference. Hence a literature boy such as myself respecting the fact that Zaimokuza had laid claim to the library first, and choosing to claim the steps next to the tennis court as my loner spot instead.

Well, in fairness, neither of us were really loners anymore, so perhaps the rules didn't apply. Plus if it was just normal conversation, I wouldn't really mind. After all, her presence did provide me with some pleasant visual stimulation.

It wasn't like I was one of those extreme misanthropic loners who absolutely loathed any and all interactions. Just the ones that involved doing work.

The real problem was the constant verbal assaults.

It was an endless rain of bullets that spread chaos throughout my mind. All of the resistances and mental barriers I had built up over the months in the Service Club ended up being useless, because the attacks came from a completely different and unexpected direction.

I needed to do something.

And quickly.

 _Otherwise I might just-_

"Hachiman!"

[ Your SAN points have decreased by 8. ]

 _Argh! I'm hit! I'm hit! 8Man down!  
_

My mental self collapsed on the ground like a wounded soldier while staring at the useless warning box which had popped up.

 _Was there a manual for this? What happens if my SAN reaches 0? How much SAN do I even have left?  
_

While operating the controls to close the message box in my mind, I turned my physical body towards my assailant: a bishoujo sitting next to me with an unhappy frown on her face, an almost completely eaten bento in her lap, and a pair of chopsticks in her hand.

Ever since the time I stayed over at her place, she had taken to calling me by my given name without any idea of how much mental damage it was causing me. And that wasn't even the worst part. Every now and then, she would occasionally say a line that was-

"Hey, are you actually listening? Hachiman!"

 _Argh!_

Shaking my head to clear out my thoughts, I quickly apologized to her in order to stop her from calling my name again.

"Sorry, I spaced out for a bit. What were you saying?"

 _And why are you even here again?_

Lunch break was supposed to be a time period allocated to the wonderful concept of alone time. Yet here I was, in a state of complete non-alone-ness.

Frankly, it was a serious breach of loner etiquette.

 _Isn't your loner spot supposed to be up on the roof?_

Seriously, why was she always here? The middle schooler in me was screaming "She likes you! She likes you!", but there was no way this brocon could have romantic thoughts for creatures with internal skeletons.

That middle school brat was simply suffering from rose-colored myopia, and needed to put on his realism glasses. There was always a non-romantic explanation.

...Even if I couldn't immediately see one.

"Mou... weren't you the one who said we should hang out more?" Kawasaki protested with a small pout that somehow made me feel incredibly guilty.

 _Hmm?_

I searched my memories.

 _Ah..._

 _...I did say that didn't I..._

That certainly explained a lot.

However... _I believe I also said you didn't have to if you didn't want to right?_

I didn't want Kawasaki to do things she didn't like just because she was grateful or trying to be nice to me. Was she really okay with spending so many of her lunch breaks here?

I mean, I was fine since I didn't really have anything to do now that I had been freed from Isshiki, but didn't Kawasaki have some commitments of her own to attend to?

"...what about Ebina and the others?" I probed while idly using my chopsticks to rummage through my own lunch.

Since I had been spacing out, my bento was still mostly intact. I really needed to start eating soon if I wanted to finish before the break ended.

But if Kawasaki had somehow taken my words as some kind of request and was currently ruining her friendships for my sake, then releasing her had a much higher priority.

Kawasaki looked surprised for a moment, but quickly figured out what I meant. Apparently her loner eye language skills were still in top form, even if she had discarded the loner code.

"Of course, I'm making sure to properly spend time with them too. It's just..."

The sudden pause caused me to stop messing with my food and focus on Kawasaki.

That was a mistake.

She shyly averted her gaze for a moment, and before looking back at me and finishing her sentence with a small blush.

"Frankly, I rather spend time with you."

...

I think I had a heart attack.

My body froze, yet I could feel my face burning to cinders.

 _T-T-Th-There it is! Another one of Kawasaki Saki's incredibly misleading lines!_

This wasn't the first time she said something like this. No, ever since she found my loner spot, she had been shooting off lines like these one after another.

I didn't realize it before due to our lack of interaction but... no actually I always knew her communication ability was bad but...

How was it even possible for someone to say such heart-fluttering lines without realizing any of the romantic implications?!

Was she one of those ultra dense idiot protagonists from harem light novels?

...Wait, in that case, was I supposed to be one of those heroines who would be accidentally conquered without any effort or intention on her part?

I could already feel my heart being tricked into going DOKI DOKI **[4]** , but my mind wasn't something that could be fooled that easily!

I had read more than enough light novels to understand how these harem protagonists think. There was always a non-romantic explanation, and in this case it wasn't that hard to figure out.

After all, I could still hear those annoying shouts coming out from our classroom window. With his relationship with Ebina progressing smoothly, Tobe had become increasingly obnoxious in every sense of the word.

In other words, that heart-throbbing "I rather spend time with you" line did not mean the romantic "I like spending time with you", it meant the matter-of-fact "Tobe is there, so I rather be here".

Similarly, that super adorable shy blush on her face didn't mean the highly self-conscious "Oh no! What am I saying in front of the guy I like?", it meant the slightly apologetic "I know it's rude to be treating Tobe like that, but I can't help it, you understand right?"

Really, if it was any other guy, those misleading actions would have instantly conquered his heart. But with all the knowledge I had built up over the years, something of this level wasn't enough to defeat me.

If she really wanted to conquer me, she would have to at least do a kabe-don **[5]** and proclaim: "You! Become my house-husband!"

...

 _GAAAAAH! What the hell did I just imagine?!_

 _Why am I sabotaging myself?!_

My face was heating up so much I could probably recook my lunch just by resting my cheek on it.

 _Oh no._

I just realized. Kawasaki could see everything I was doing.

My whole body started to tremble.

 _Just what am I doing in front of her? What if she thinks it's creepy? What if she starts to hate me?_

 _And why are my thoughts started to sound like lines from a shoujo manga?!_ **[6]** _  
_

 _D-don't misunderstand! It's not like I liked her or anything, it was just that I wasn't used to such situations!_ **[7]** _  
_

 _GAH!_

Suddenly, the school bell rang, signaling the end of lunch break and breaking me out of my self-destructive spiral.

Not good. I needed to calm down and quickly finish eating my food. Just be like Kawasaki and eat without thinking about romance!

With my hands still trembling, I attempted to bring a clump of rice to my mouth...

...Only to end up dropping both the rice and my chopsticks onto the ground.

" " Ah. " " x 2.

The two of us stared at the chopsticks which had fallen and rolled down to the lowest step.

With bits of grime and mud stuck to it, using those chopsticks to continue eating was no longer an option. But I didn't have any spare chopsticks, and there was no time to go get some from the school cafeteria.

 _Urgh._

I berated myself.

That's what I got for letting the delusions of romance take over for even an instant.

Haven't I learned this lesson enough in middle school?

Now I had no choice but to go hungry.

...

Or so I was thinking when another clump of rice suddenly floated up before my eyes.

Of course, that wasn't a supernatural phenomenon manifesting with suspiciously convenient timing.

No.

It was something far more improbable.

That clump of rice was lifted up by a pair of chopsticks, lifted up by an arm, lifted up by the girl sitting next to me.

Witnessing such a strange sight, I temporarily lost my eloquence. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, yet all I managed to utter was "Huh?"

"Come on, there's no time left right?" came an alien voice from the alien with completely human thoughts. Oh wait, I got that wrong, I meant the human voice from the human with completely alien thoughts.

I stared at the chopsticks which were clearly not my own, and at the hand holding them which was also not my own.

Perhaps this was how a cow might stare at an alien probe.

"No, wait. No matter what isn't this..."

Various embarrassing notions like [Indirect Kiss!] and [Being fed by your lover!] were floating around in my brain, making me want to die. Yet Kawasaki displayed zero understanding of the situation.

She simply tilted her head in a way that was both cute and frustrating, not understanding my very human concerns. Was the myth that women were from Venus really true? Was mutual understanding between our species impossible after all?

It took a few moments of me desperately explaining with my eye movements, before Kawasaki finally realized what she was doing. A faint blush grew over her face, yet the chopsticks remained in the air.

"I-I-It's fine isn't it? It's not like it's a big deal at this point in..."

Her voice was stammering and the latter half faded into inaudible noise, but I understood what she was trying to say.

Her chopsticks were the only pair of usable chopsticks, and rather than give it to the clumsy idiot who dropped his, the best way to solve this problem was to feed him directly. At this point in time, there really wasn't much choice.

Well, there was one but...

As I continued to hesitate, wasting precious time, Kawasaki made a small frown and pressed on.

"...Or do you not want to?"

Right. If I didn't want to eat, then I didn't need to be fed. But if you were to ask whether I wanted to eat...

"O-O-Okay. Just- just give me a moment to prepare myself," I said, trying to buy some time to get my emotions under control.

But since we were short on time, my request was denied.

"C-C-Come on, we are going to be late for class."

I didn't think it was physically possible, but with the two of us now on the same page and fully committed to the act, we somehow managed to become even more flustered.

Even Kawasaki, who I once believed was incapable of romantic thoughts, was now making small twisting and turning motions on the spot like she couldn't bear the shame.

 _Really, if it was that embarrassing for you then don't do it!_

I complained in my head, but I couldn't stop her now. Wouldn't it be more unpleasant for her if she went through all that effort only to be denied at the last moment?

In the first place, it was my fault for being so conscious about it. I should have just eaten without thinking about all that romantic nonsense.

And that was precisely what I should do now to stop making her feel so conscious about it!

With rationality regaining control of my mind, I opened my mouth and felt her chopsticks press down on my lower lip as the rice was inserted.

See? That wasn't so hard.

I just needed to focus on something other than the romantic implications and we were good to go. Like for instance, how my food tasted.

Komachi had worked hard on this bento, so it was very important to savor it! Taste the sweetness made out of Komachi points that no MAX coffee could compare to. Feel the supportive yet not oppressive weight of her familial love through the weight in my mouth. Cherish the moisture left by the chopsticks on my lips, a sign of Komachi's conscientiousness in measuring the exact amount of liquid to ensure the food was neither too dry nor too soggy...

 _...Hmm? Wait, wouldn't this moisture also contain- AHHHHHHHHHH!_

* * *

 **Author's Note: Erm. The End? Well, at least, this was where I wanted to end it originally.**

 **But the shippers would probably rage if I did that, so there's a bit more at the bottom lol. (Though I wonder if this is really enough...)  
**

 **Anyway, there were some reviewers asking for sappy romance, so I went out of my way to write something completely alien to me. On planet weewah, romance only lasts up until the confession. Then you get rejected, so all the lovey-dovey-ness after that doesn't exist. D: So if this scene is actually completely unrealistic or unromantic, that would be why x_X.  
**

 **Ok. Moving on. My apologies to the readers expecting a continuation of the morning scene in the previous chapter. This chapter takes priority, and what I had in mind for that scene wasn't all that interesting to be honest :(.**

 **Frankly it was getting pretty hard to write this since I have to keep 8man dense and unaware of the romantic implications, while also keeping Saki unaware that 8man is dense. Just about every interaction threatens to break that, so I have to keep going back and checking: _Wait, this line still makes sense under this interpretation right? They can't piece together all of the previous evidence and figure out something is off right?_  
**

 **That said, Judicar Deimos has given an awesome suggestion in his review XD, so if people really find that cliffhanger unacceptable, I might write a small bonus chapter for it or add it to the previous chapter.  
**

* * *

 **[1] How just about every Monogatari ends.**

 **[2] I had "Okusama ga Seito Kaichou!" (English: My Wife is the Student Council President) in mind when I wrote this, but it's actually a very common setup lol.**

 **[3] The Bro Code, by Barney Stinson, in "How I Met Your Mother".**

 **[4] Apparently the sound love-struck hearts make in Japan lol.**

 **[5] Kabe-don is a very aggressive type of confession that is common in romance mangas. What happens is the guy moves towards a girl with her back to the wall, slams the wall, and then declares his love in some dominating manner. Supposedly this shows how strongly they feel about the girl. Supposedly. Don't try this in real life.**

 **[6] Shoujo manga is manga for young girls, and usually contains lots of romance.**

 **[7] Don't misunderstand! This footnote is just here to make a silly Tsundere line! It's not like it's here to help you or anything!**

* * *

Sanity/Zero  


Lately the storm at the Service Club has died down.

At first, I had feared making the headlines as the first person whose cause of death was officially recorded as "Words", but these days the only form of disapproval that came my way were occasional sad, disappointed looks. Actually, it was rather impressive that Yukinoshita still had the energy to spare for me even with all of the work Isshiki was giving to her daily, especially since she also needed to get used to her new traumatic mode of transport. But it seems that Yuigahama had moved into her apartment as well at some point, so now the three of them were heading off towards a future full of sunshine and lilies... **[8]**.

Well, at least Isshiki was. The ever-increasing eye bags under the other two's eyes told a somewhat different story...

 _Scary._

But at the same time, it was inspirational. Overcoming the horrors of the past and the hurdles of the present, the other two members of this club were steadily moving forward.

Witnessing their efforts made me realize that I had to get moving as well.

I couldn't let my own past continue tie me down.

The things I had lost... the things I had gained from those losses... they made me the person I am today and protected me from the dangers of society.

But they also sealed my movement.

...

Perhaps I was only thinking this way due to the accumulated damage, but I was no longer satisfied with my current situation.

It was greedy, but I wanted more. More than I could get while prioritizing my safety.

And there was a simple way to get more. A way I had tried before countless times, yet sealed away because it had never succeeded.

...

But perhaps that was only because I had never properly aimed.

* * *

We were currently alone on the roof. The same place I had first met her.

Actually no, we were classmates even back then, so that couldn't possibly have been the first time we met.

But it was the first time she appeared in my memories, so it couldn't be helped.

And well, even though I was trying to make it sound like a fateful place to be, that didn't really matter for this kind of thing. This place had been chosen simply because it was a secluded location that both of us knew how to get to.

Rather than what was said, or where, when, why, or how it was said, the only thing that really mattered in this kind of situation was who said it.

 _Heh._

Even without my cynicism glasses on, I could tell that that couldn't possibly be correct.

But I wanted to believe in it.

And believe in her.

For this moment alone, I didn't want the results to be based on some underhanded manipulation or some clever trick.

Thus, rather than putting any thought into it, I had decided to use the exact same words I had used every time. A generic set of words that could be found anywhere. Words that contained no charm or wittiness, expressing nothing other than the sincerity of the speaker.

...

Perhaps that was a mistake. Now that we were actually here, I started to get extremely nervous.

Maybe because I had gotten rusty, but I didn't remember being this nervous in any of the previous cases. Heck, even the case where it was faked, where I knew everything would come crashing down... even then I wasn't as anxious as I was now.

If I wanted, I could still turn back now. I had not prepared any, but if I needed an alternative explanation for why I had called her up here, any number of them could be made up on the spot.

Towards those rational... those intelligent thoughts... I spat. If I didn't do this, here and now, I would probably never be satisfied.

* * *

"I've liked you since a long time ago. Please go out with me."

Time slowed to a crawl as I uttered those words.

Against my will to believe in hope, my eyes studied her reaction to confirm the answer of despair.

Her facial expressions slowly changed.

First was shock. It always was.

Much like how there were 5 stages for dealing with loss, there were also 5 stages for dealing with a confession: Shock, Confusion, Denial, Avoidance, and Apathy.

Soon came the confusion. The disbelief.

 _Had I heard correctly?_

 _Is this guy serious?_

 _Was this really happening?_

My heart clenched.

For the briefest moment, the faces in my memory overlapped with her face. It was the same expression that always appeared right before the denial of everything I was.

Inside my head, a little voice was shouting.

 _You knew this would happen! Why did you do it? There was no way this brocon could ever develop a romantic relationship!_

But it was fine.

My eye for romance may have stagnated since middle school, but my eye for character certainly didn't. Kawasaki wasn't like the previous girls.

Even if she didn't reciprocate, she wouldn't laugh or scorn. She wouldn't let the situation develop into a trauma that would haunt me forever.

 _Just for the rest of your life_ , the little voice rebutted.

Then her lips moved, and all the arguments in my head were drowned out by the brain cells working on audio analysis.

"Weren't..."

She paused.

My heart sank.

Apparently, it was something hard to say.

Obviously, something hard to say could only be one thing.

 _It was obvious from the start_ , the little voice reminded.

"...Weren't we..."

Another pause.

 _...just friends?_

 _...just classmates?_

 _...just business associates?_

My brain filled in the sentence for her multiple times over, even though the person in question still hadn't completed it.

Frankly, I wanted to just run away now. Just like all the previous times.

The difference was that this time I actually cared about what the girl before me would feel.

The one being rejected would obviously be hurt, but there was no way the one doing the rejecting felt nothing.

Guilt. Pity. Empathy for the one rejected.

They would be forced to feel all of these things, all thanks to some optimistic idiot who thought he had a chance.

The least I could do to atone for starting this was to stay until the end.

So I remained still and braced myself for the worst.

And Kawasaki finally spoke the full sentence.

"Weren't we already going out?"

...

"Huh?"

* * *

 **[8] The saying is normally "sunshine and daisies". Lilies is used here to symbolize the Yuri implications :).**

* * *

 **Author's Note: My thanks to the people who have read this far, this story is now officially completed, minus a few bonus chapters.**


	20. Bonus: Fairy Tale

**Author's Note 2: EDITED, wow the file got messed up, I have no idea how or why it deleted random parts of sentences like that.**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Bonus chapters are basically me trying weird things, so they probably won't feel the same or be as funny.**

 **On that note, this chapter is loosely based on a real fairy tale, can you guess which?  
**

* * *

Bonus: Fairy Tale  


Long, long ago, in a different world. A genius loner secluded himself in the wilderness and spent years honing his skills in alchemy.

 _Turn lead into gold? Wood into steel? Water into bread?_

He could do all that and more with just a snap of his fingers. But even so, there was still more to discover. Endless mysteries and untold powers lay hidden, deep in the depths of the fields he had newly discovered.

Unfortunately, the alchemist had performed a countless number of dangerous experiments, and they had taken their toll on his health. Even though he was still in his twenties, he suspected he had only a decade or two left to live, and none of the magic he possessed could do anything to heal his battered body. At this rate, his precious research would be left unfinished.

Thus the alchemist decided. It was time to pause his research and return to civilization. For an heir was needed if he wanted his research to be continued after his death.

He visited a number of cities, but found no success. For although the alchemist was a handsome young man, his eyes had been damaged into a state of seedy fishiness by the excessive lights emitted by energized synthetic elements. Women everywhere feared and scorned him, fleeing in disgust and horror whenever he approached. Orphanages would call the cops on him, suspecting he was a child kidnapper. Even when he tried to tempt them with gold, diamonds, and jewels, the morally upright refused on the suspicion that his currency was somehow stolen property or demonic goods, while the morally corrupt simply stole it and ran.

Nevertheless, the alchemist continued to try, aimlessly wandering from town to town, until a certain rumor reached his ears. In the far away village of Sobu, there was a single young lady whose hair possessed a most resplendent shade of gold.

Although the odds of success were low, the alchemist decided to court this young lady. For that shade of gold, an uncommon hair color in these lands, was a sign of great magical power. Great magical power that could be genetically passed down. With her consent, he would have an heir without peer, one who could take his research far beyond his wildest dreams.

* * *

Reaching the village of Sobu, the alchemist was surprised to learn the young lady had been locked in a barn by the crown prince of the country. None of the villagers dared to approach the barn, in fear of inciting the wrath of royalty. Then again, none of the villagers could open the barn, for it was locked with technology none of them had ever seen. But for the alchemist, both the authority and the technology of the royal family was meaningless.

Manipulating the elements, he easily opened a hole in the side of the barn and came face to face with the young lady. Half of him had expected the young lady's face to light up with joy after seeing the hole in the wall, sensing a chance to escape her predicament. The other half had expected the young lady to shriek in terror after meeting his eyes, just like all the others before.

Yet to his surprise, young lady did neither. She continued to sit on a chair in the middle of the barn, with a look of despair covering her face. Not once did she raise her head to see either the newly created escape route or the face of the one that was responsible.

At that sight, the alchemist's heart ached. "Young lady, may I be so bold as to ask what has gotten you so down?"

"Why yes you may," with her face still covered by her golden hair, the young lady answered with a nihilistic tone, while motioning towards the piles of straw which surrounded her. "The crown prince has ordered me to change all this straw into gold by tonight, and should I fail to do so, I shall be hanged at the stroke of dawn."

The alchemist was puzzled. As far as he knew, such a feat should be impossible for anyone other than himself. For the act of changing straw into gold was the actually last thing he discovered during his research.

 _Could it be? Perhaps during the time he had holed up in his cave, some other scholar had discovered the same secrets, and maybe even surpassed him?_

"Is such a thing possible?" The alchemist probed, wishing to confirm or deny his suspicions.

The young lady scoffed, "As if."

"Hmm... then... why does the crown prince expect you to do it?" the alchemist asked, prompting the young lady to share her tale.

* * *

It was a case of twisted rumors.

It seems that when the lady was young, younger than she was now, a famine hit the village of Sobu. The lack of food caused her to become malnourished. She was mostly skin and bones, and her hair was a dirty straw color. Back then, the villagers spent every day on the verge of death. But eventually the famine ended, and the villagers were fed once more. Now with proper nutrition, the young lady recovered, and her hair turned into the splendid shade of gold it was today.

Witnessing that change, the young lady's father was overjoyed, and spent every day bragging about how his daughter's hair color had changed from straw to gold. That was the source of the rumors the alchemist had overhead in his travels. But as rumors do, the rumor twisted.

At some point, what was once "M-san's hair color changed from straw to gold" mutated into "M-san can change straw into gold". The crown prince, believing such rumors, had personally come to the village to meet the young lady.

For a time, he wooed the young lady, gaining her love and affection. Eventually, he proposed to her, declaring his intention to bring her back to the capital and make her his queen, and the young lady accepted.

That was the start of the nightmare.

For the young lady was not aware that the crown prince had heard those twisted rumors. On the night before they left the village together, the crown prince asked to see the young lady's mysterious power. Having no such power, the young lady obviously refused, and tried to explain that changing straw into gold was impossible.

Yet the crown prince did not believe her. He felt tricked. Betrayed. In his mind, either the young lady had intentionally spread false rumors about herself to gain his attention, or the young lady was refusing to use her powers for the good of his kingdom. In either case, her actions were treason of the highest order.

That was what had led to the current situation. Unless she used her alleged powers to transform this straw into gold, the crown prince would have her executed for her crimes against the kingdom.

* * *

Hearing such a horrible story, the alchemist concluded.

 _Clearly, the crown prince did not actually love this young lady. He was only using her for her alleged ability to generate wealth for the kingdom._

"In that case, I have a proposal. As you have just seen, I have the power to break open your prison. And frankly, I have more power than the entire country. If you escape with me, I can guarantee that the crown prince will never be able to lay a finger on you. All I ask in return, is for your hand in marriage."

For the first time during their conversation, the young lady lifted up her head to meet the eyes of the alchemist.

Then her face cramped.

"Just what do you think you are asking? Gross. Like that would ever happen. I would rather die than get married to anyone other than my prince. Gross."

The alchemist twitched. He had half a mind to get angry at the young lady's belligerent attitude and just leave her to her fate, but that wouldn't do.

He had a heart condition. And high blood pressure. Anger was not good for his already failing health.

Plus, the young lady would really die at this rate.

So the alchemist calmed himself and made another proposal.

"Then how about this: I will grant you the power to turn straw into gold. In exchange, you shall give me your firstborn child."

That way the young lady would be saved, and the alchemist would gain the talented heir he desired. It would be a WIN-WIN.

After a few moments of deliberation, the young lady accepted the offer. The alchemist then handed over a magic tool engraved with the spell for transforming straw into gold, teaching her how to use it and cleverly confirming that she did in fact have a large amount of magic power.

The next day, the crown prince found the barn full of gold, and happily married the young lady.

* * *

And so the alchemist waited, biding his time on the outskirts of the capital, eavesdropping on the gossip spread by the citizens.

The first few months were fruitless.

"The third prince has passed away."

"The second prince has passed away."

"The old king has passed away."

All idle gossip that did not mean anything for the alchemist, although the suspicious string of deaths was clearly the result of some nefarious plot by the scheming crown prince. But the next piece of gossip caused the alchemist to rejoice.

"The queen has become pregnant with child."

Soon it would be time to collect his payment.

* * *

The new king and queen gazed upon their newborn child with loving affection. He was still only a few days old, but the beauty he inherited from both parents was enough to immediately conquer their hearts.

News of his arrival had barely begun to spread beyond the castle walls when the alchemist barged in, effortlessly repelling all the guards and soldiers in his way by binding them in chains. Appearing before the king and queen, the alchemist stated his business.

"M-san... no, I guess it would be H-sama now. I am here to collect my payment."

The king and queen grew pale.

"Could... could we pay you with something else instead?" the queen asked, trying to renegotiate the terms.

"Yes, how about money? Or status? Or land? Surely a powerful magician such as yourself would like his own domain for err... whatever it is you do?" the king added.

"No, I care not for such superficial items. Your son is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world," the alchemist replied.

The next few minutes were spent in a stalemate.

The king continued to offer more of his possessions, hoping to find something that could tempt the alchemist, but the alchemist continued to reject, since any substance without life could easily be created by alchemy.

At that moment, the queen burst into tears. Watching the once haughty and proud queen reduced to a crying wreck, sniffing her nose and rubbing her eyes with her sleeve, the alchemist became stricken with guilt. Perhaps this had been a bad idea after all. Putting aside the terrible king, separating this mother from her child was a truly horrible thing now that the alchemist thought about it.

He decided to relent. It was still possible to find an heir elsewhere, albeit one that wasn't as talented.

But he couldn't just say "Alright, I'll let you keep the baby." Both the alchemist and the kingdom had a reputation to protect. On one side, crying and begging until they received pity from a mysterious individual would become a terrible rumor for the new king and queen. On the other side, if it became widely known that the alchemist would give pity to anyone who cried, his future attempts to find an heir might be significantly hampered.

So the alchemist came up with a plan.

A simple, superficial plan, designed to deceive the masses and preserve the status quo.

"Alright, I'll let you keep the baby, but only if the two of you pass the challenge I shall give."

The king and queen frantically nodded, sensing a way out of their predicament.

"Naturally, no one else is allowed to answer the challenge, so I shall have everyone else leave."

Having declared that, the alchemist manipulated the chains extending from his fingers, and threw out the rest of the guards.

"Now then, are you ready for the question?" the alchemist asked the king and queen with a twisted smile. Now that the outsiders had been removed, the only people who would hear the challenge were the three of them. He would just ask a ridiculously easy question and leave.

* * *

"What, is my name?"

The tension in the room dissipated. The cunning king immediately realized the alchemist's intentions and smiled. They had been spared. Not only that, the alchemist had gone out of his way to spare their reputations as well. Deep down he felt hatred for being pitied, but since it worked to his favor, it was best to smile here.

Now the nightmare would end as soon as his queen gave the answer.

...

 _Actually, why hasn't she answered yet?_

As the silence dragged on, both the king and the alchemist turned to face the queen. The same thought ran through their heads.

 _Don't tell me..._

The queen, feeling pressured, finally spoke up.

"H...Hik... Hikio?"

The tension returned. The king turned completely white with terror, while the alchemist turned completely red with anger.

 _After all he had done for her... the queen didn't even bother to remember the name of her benefactor?!_

He was about to blow a fuse when he remembered his heart condition.

"That is incorrect," he replied, trying to keep calm. "I shall give you three days. If you can remember my name by then, I shall let you keep your child."

* * *

Over the next two days, the couple frantically guessed at names, hoping to find the right answer.

"Hikki? Hikitani? Hikikomori?"

All were wrong. But the cunning king wasn't going to let it end like this.

On the third day...

"********!"

The correct answer was given at last.

The alchemist, who was on the verge of burning the castle to the ground, was finally appeased.

Over the past few days, he had become increasingly cynical, wondering whether the concept of gratitude really existed, or whether it only applied for the handsome and beautiful.

But it seems he had been overthinking things. The queen had simply forgotten because it had been so long. It wasn't as if she never bothered to commit his name into memory in the first place.

"That is correct."

The alchemist prepared to take his leave, slowly walking towards the exit of the throne room. Behind him, the king and queen were rejoicing, letting out cheers of happiness and expressing their thanks.

"Ah, we should reward that informant too. Y-san was it? If you didn't hir- MMPH!"

The king hurriedly covered the queen's lips, but it was too late.

The alchemist turned around to face the couple again, feeling the veins in his head begin to pop. "An informant, you said? I believe I said no one else may answer the challenge..."

A dreadful silence filled the throne room.

"...but you didn't forbid asking someone else for the answer and using it to answer the challenge ourselves..." the cunning king squeaked, desperately clutching at straws.

 _GARRGHHH!_

The alchemist's anger exploded. He could no longer contain his rage. Forgetting his doctor's advice, the alchemist stamped down hard on his right foot. And then his left. And then the right again, as he stamped his way towards the unforgivable couple.

But before he could reach them, he felt a sudden pain in his chest.

At the last moment, the cunning king's plan had succeeded. And so he lived happily ever after, together with his queen and his son.

* * *

I finished the story and looked down at the little girl who had annexed the territory formerly known as my lap.

She looked back up at me, seemingly confused by the incomprehensible plot. Or maybe because I had used too many complicated words.

But that was fine. The nice thing about kids was that they would accept whatever moral you told them as long as you first told a nice long fairy tale.

"Well, it's that. Basically, the moral of the story is to not worry so much about names. That's why, even if someone calls you something like 'Kawasomething', you must _not_ get angry and beat them up okay?"

The little girl tilted her head, but then accepted it with a cute "okay, I got it!"

 _Hehehe. Just as planned..._

But just as I was rejoicing over the success of my own cunning plot, a shadow fell over me and a hand grabbed my shoulder from behind.

...

"We need to talk."

 _...H-h-how long has she been there? And since when did she learn my stealth skill?!_

* * *

 **Author's Note: One down, one more to go. Weird, I thought I had more bonus chapters. I think I forgot the ideas for one or two since it's been so long x_X...  
**

 **P.S. You know a chapter is weird when it has no footnotes.**

* * *

Happy Holidays to readers and reviewers! Should have said that last chapter really lol.

DeadlyXDevil: Those things don't exist on planet weewah X_X. That said, there's a few saki fics on this site that do have them. I think Loner-kun's actually has all 4 of the things you suggested.

JudicarDeimos: Sounds correct to me :D Wonder if there's a VN where staying dense is the key to unlocking the true ending lol...

Shitposter-kun: Ooooh right. "Kya"s. I forgot to add some! "Disconcerting" is a pretty accurate description of what I was going for lol, to show how much damage his sanity was taking from being exposed to such direct intimacy XD.

BentShuriken: Lol only Iroha can pull off keeping 8man that dense... though if you want to see that, it does appear in one of my other fics! Actually my very first one! *Hint hint*, go check it out! /End blatant self promotion.

* * *

P.S. Irrelevant Nisekoi Spoilers for those interested: Ok, technically all he did was do a long monologue while playing with a certain girl in an arcade, talk about how he never felt this way with the other girls, and then end the monologue with "So this is love." So I guess the next chapter will be him thinking: _Man, the other girls have never made me feel this way, but girl X finally showed me how much I LOVED THE ARCADE! Woohoo!_

Edit: Damn, didn't happen. I actually quite like dense characters lol.


	21. Bonus: ANOTHER

**Author's Note: Happy new year everyone, shorter chapter this time.  
**

 **First off, I apologize for the previous chapter. I quite deliberately mangled Yumiko's character to fit the more hateful heroine of the Rumpelstiltskin fairy tale, and it seems to have rubbed a few readers the wrong way. That was not my intention. In truth, Yumiko's personality is nothing like that, and the only reason she was forced into that role was because I needed a female with blonde hair to match the straw into gold wordplay (a terribly superficial reason, I know D: My genuine stat is pretty low).  
**

 **And also... erm... apologies for what happens next.**

* * *

Bonus: ANOTHER

I still remember that day. The day I first realized I wanted something more.

...

It had started out as a normal school day.

Ordinary, unchanging events. Teachers coming in and out as the lessons changed. Classmates being noisy and irritating. Me resting my head in my arms, avoiding eye contact with the more annoying members of the classroom. The class redistribution that took place when we moved up a year helped a little, but it wasn't long before new cliques formed and I was once again surrounded by rowdy teenagers.

Every once in a while, I would find myself staring at his back. Recently he had started to look a bit ragged and down, so it was actually making me quite worried. But that didn't stop all manner of romantic delusions from filling my head as his image imprinted itself on my eyes. And whenever we accidentally made eye contact, I would quickly bury my face, hiding my reddened cheeks from view.

Because no matter how infatuated I was, such delusions were, at the end of the day, just delusions. Superficial wishes that were merely an expression of lust. They were dreams that could never happen in reality, and acting on them would only bring trouble to him.

But that was fine, I was content with just having my dreams.

Then, during one of the lessons, I found a crumpled up piece of paper in my desk. Unfolding it revealed a short message:

[Come to the roof during break]

...

My first reaction was to stare at it while full of suspicion.

 _Was this some kind of prank? Or worse, a letter of challenge?_

I wasn't exactly what you would call a social butterfly. The number of people I talked to regularly was in the single digits, and none of them seemed likely to do something as indirect as this. On the contrary, I had a pretty bad reputation, so it wouldn't be all that surprising if one of these immature brats decided to pull a prank.

Then again, how did this note even find its way into my desk? It definitely wasn't here during the previous class...

Hmm... I guess it must be from one of my classmates, surreptitiously slipping it in while walking by my desk. It probably happened during the last break when I went to the washroom.

Perhaps the culprit was currently watching my reaction, hoping to get a good laugh or two. Perhaps he or she was hoping to see what kind of face I would make after spending the entire break up on the roof, waiting for someone who would never come.

 _Heh._ As if I would fall for that.

However, just when I was about to re-crumple the paper and toss it in the trash, I noticed the handwriting. It was... strangely familiar.

My heart began to race. Within my memories, it definitely matched the handwriting I had previously seen... during one of our study sessions.

 _...but why would he?_

The thought ran through my head. I had only known him for about a year, but this didn't really seem like something he would do. But no matter how much I continued to think about it, the answers didn't appear.

 _Hmm..._

In case this was really some sort of prank meant to test my reaction, I put my arms on the desk and buried my head in them again. Then, with the slightest of movements, I nonchalantly glanced over in his direction. To my surprise, he was doing the same, looking at me with a meaningful gaze that wouldn't be picked up by anyone else.

 _No way. Really?_

If it had been written by anyone else, I would have just ignored it and slept through the break peacefully. But on the off-chance it really was him...

* * *

"Hey. Er... erm..."

Up on the roof, I found the target of my delusions shaking and trembling. A variety of emotions were very visibly displayed on his face.

Anxiety. Fear. Embarrassment. Hesitation.

On other people those expressions would be nothing but annoying, yet on him they were strangely endearing. It seemed that whatever he had to say was apparently very difficult to say.

My own face was kept perfectly still. Inside, I was boiling over with such emotion that if I didn't put my all into controlling myself, I might have just jumped and hugged him.

 _Why did he call me up here?_

 _It... it couldn't be a confession right?_

Something like that was impossible, and frankly it would actually be quite troubling in various ways. Although I have been fantasizing about him in my daydreams, that was just me pushing my ideals and wishes onto an imaginary being, albeit one which used his image as a base. Reality wouldn't actually work out in such a manner.

Suddenly, he bowed.

"...Can I stay over at your place tonight?"

My mind shorted out for a few moments at the unexpected question.

 _Huh?! What did he just say?_

"...Wh-wh-what did you just say?"

I was so shaken that my words came out stuttering. That short little sentence had been enough to shred any semblance of calm I had, but what came next was worse.

"I'm serious! Please, can I stay over at your place tonight?"

 _Nooooo! If you look at me with such serious eyes, I will... I will...!_ **[1] _  
_**

No, wait. This was probably related to whatever was troubling him. I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself here. Regaining some control over my body, I managed to ask another question. "...Wh-wh-why?"

A single word was all I could manage. Within my head, various scenarios were playing out where I was shouting "I love you too!", so it was only by being taciturn that I managed to prevent them from leaking into reality.

Fortunately, that simple question seemingly stumped the classmate I was speaking to, giving me time to suppress my delusions. Letting out little "erm"s and "err"s, he looked down at the ground while fidgeting and shuffling his feet.

But even the way he did that resembled a child who was having trouble admitting he did something wrong, worrying too much that he would be heavily punished. And at the end, when he answered "...Do I have to say it?" while looking at me with upturned eyes, I could feel every protective instinct in my body being triggered.

 _No, of course he didn't have to say it! Who would dare to force him?!_

If it was for him, letting him stay over for a day was nothing. Heck, even if he stayed over for longer...

...

 _Hah!_ _Not good, I almost lost to my delusions there._

Something was still strange. Why would he come to me of all people?

Compared to a loner like me, he was a person surrounded by plenty of capable people. Frankly the number of people he was close with probably outnumbered mine by orders of magnitude. We had known each other for quite some time now, but even so, his clubmates were with him even before I knew he existed.

 _If he was having problems and needed someone to confide in, wouldn't they be far better candidates?_

"It has to be you. No one else would work for me. In my eyes, you are the only one!"

* * *

The road home was heaven, but also hell.

Even through all the layers of clothing that made up the Sobu High school uniform, I could feel his chest pressing against my back, a constant reminder of his extremely nearby presence. His actions were a complete violation of Japan's traffic safety laws concerning bicycles, but more importantly, they were also a complete violation of my personal space.

At first, a little part of me was screaming with joy. For the entire trip home, he would be forced to hug me from behind to hold on. Occasionally, I would even feel his warm breath, gently caressing the back of my neck. Yet, as I felt his arms securely wrapping themselves around my waist, I gradually began to feel extremely self-conscious.

After all, I have never been one of the popular youths with beautiful features and perfect bodies. Up until recently, you could say that I pretty much never interacted with such people. I believed my own appearance to be somewhat above average, but that was based on the subjective views of myself and my family. And honestly, it wasn't something that I had taken particularly good care of, since I didn't really interact with many people anyway.

But now that there was someone in more or less direct contact with my body, close enough to observe every aspect of it in high resolution detail, I began to panic. Now that I think about it, over the years, I had actually picked up quite a number of unhealthy habits didn't I?

 _Not good!_

 _The loose-fitting school uniform normally kept it hidden, but wouldn't those arms measuring my waist tell him that I was somewhat out of shape?_

 _Wait, being in front means I can't smell him, but he can certainly smell me! I don't smell strange do I?_

Normally just thinking those kinds of thoughts would cause me to start sweating like crazy from anxiety. Luckily, I was currently pedalling a bicycle, so my nervous sweat was camouflaged by the sweat from my physical exercise.

Nevertheless, rather than keeping my eyes on the road like I should, I kept glancing back at him worriedly. _He wasn't going to shout "You stink!" and jump off right?_

Well, no. That wouldn't happen. He wasn't that sort of person. And for better or worse, his expression never changed.

A bright smile. The brightest I had seen yet. An expression like he was having the time of his life. Seeing that made me feel like my soul was ascending to heaven, but if I continued to stare at him we really might end up there. Rather, I might end up in hell for causing a traffic accident that put him in harm's way.

* * *

Younger siblings were blessings from heaven. That was something I had always believed. Ideally, everyone should have one to love and cuddle, but that was sadly impossible since parents couldn't keep on producing kids forever.

The cruel truth of the world was that the youngest sibling, one who provided the joyous gift of having a younger sibling to all his elders, would be the only one without a younger sibling of his or her own. The youngest sibling's life would be the only one devoid of the happiness that comes from having a younger sibling. It was a truth so horrible it made me want to shed tears when I realized it.

But that was precisely why the younger siblings needed to be pampered and protected with even more loving care, to make up for the happiness that they were cruelly denied.

At some point, I had even begun to think that if my entire life was spent doing nothing but taking care of younger siblings, well, my own at least, then it would have been a life well lived.

But today, as a certain younger sibling of mine continued to draw away my classmate's attention from me, I started to reconsider. I knew it was wrong to get jealous of them like this, but the two of them were chatting away so happily right in front of me, as if I wasn't even here. Years of being by myself had weakened my communication abilities, so I couldn't enter the conversation at all.

"...Have you decided on where you will be sleeping tonight?"

The question I had been hesitating to ask all day was suddenly spoken in a completely brazen manner, without any context or any fear of consequences. In fairness, there weren't delusions of marriage running through my younger sibling's head, so the level of difficulty was different between us. _Or maybe there were. *Stare...*_

That said, it was a question I had to ask anyway, so I honed my ears for my classmate's response.

"Ah, no. Not yet. I am okay with just sleeping on the couch though."

 _Unacceptable! How could I possibly let him sleep out here in the cold while the rest of us have nice warm beds?!_

Yet even though I was thinking that, there weren't many alternatives to choose from. It wasn't as if we had a spare bed for guests to use. Something like that would only have been a waste of money, so my parents had never bought one.

In other words, the only empty beds today would be the one belonging to my parents, who were tied up at work as usual.

For the first time in my life, I wished that I didn't live in a western-style house. If I had lived in a traditional Japanese apartment with tatami mats, there would probably be spare futons I could take out for him to use.

 _Plus, in a smaller room, we would inevitably end up sleeping next to each other... and then, in the middle of the night, due to the cold and the lack of insulation provided by futons, we would inevitably snuggle closer to each other, feeling each other's body heat... Ack. Almost got trapped in another delusion._

In that case, there was only one solution. For the first time, I barged my way into the conversation.

"I can't let that happen. Take my bed, I will sleep on the couch instead."

If there was one good thing about me, it was robustness of my body. Even with all of my unhealthy habits, I rarely ever fell sick. Besides, compared to all those late nights that I had stayed up without a wink of sleep, what was one night out here in the living room?

I thought it was a good solution, yet...

"No, how can I take over your bed like that? You are already letting me stay here, so if I asked for any more I would feel bad..."

"There's no need to feel guilty. Please, take my bed."

"No, but then wouldn't you be..."

"Please, I insist."

"Then..."

A sudden pause in our back and forth. I continued to look him in the eyes, trying to appeal my sincerity in wishing he would take my bed. If he fell sick because of my lack of hospitality, I would never forgive myself.

 _I had to make him take the bed no matter what!_

He stared back at me, continuing to make his intentions loud and clear. He had always been a kind and caring individual, but it was unnecessary in this case. A single night on the couch really wouldn't hurt me in any way.

 _Thankfully, he seems to be wavering now,_ I thought as his actions began to take on a hint of uncertainty that tugged at my heartstrings.

"Then..." he repeated while his face became increasingly flushed.

"...How about... on the bed... together?"

...

I felt like a bolt of lightning had struck me. _Of course!_ My bed was certainly wide enough to fit two, so that was a perfect solution! Why didn't I think of something that simple!

 _...It was just... just that... that would..._

"Ah... Ahhh... Ahhhh!"

I clutched my head as the delusions sprang forth like never before.

 _But! But if this was my angel's decree, then so be it!_

"SAIKAA!"

"C-C-Calling me by my name so suddenly like that... it's not fair... Hachiman..."

...

"...Something like that... as if I'll let that happen!" **[2]**

Oh, right. Komachi was still here.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Ok, that was a mean twist lol X_x. I'll stop polluting this fic with extra silly ideas now.  
**

 **My thanks to everyone who has read to the end. For now, I plan to continue writing more oregairu fics with different genres in mind (to work on my writing styles really), but I hope I will be able to make them as appealing as this one was.**

* * *

 **[1] "Clannad" anime reference, a line by Fujibayashi Kyou, a very athletic girl.  
**

 **[2] One of Komachi's quotes from the Oregairu VN prologue.**


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